Thursday, June 4, 2009
Time heals all wounds
This post has been a long time coming. A lot of changes have happened over the past year. Your Mother and I are together again. You wake up early in the mornig, usually between 6 and 6:30pm. We give you your first bottle of the day, check your diaper and Mom and I drink coffee together and wait to feed you breakfast. You are in your best mood of the day when you wake up. After breakfast it's time to play and by 8:30 it's off for your daily trip in the stroller with your Mother and I as we walk around the country nieghborhood we live in and show you all the animals and try and teach you to say their names. You like to say dog, ball and will also walk around the house saying ma ma ma ma and da da da da. When we get back home you will find either flash cards or a book and bring it to us to read or show you. Around 10:45 or 11:00 you like to have a half a bottle and your mid-day nap. Mommy and me usually take a little nap oursleves but not for long because this time of the day we can spend "special time" together without worrying about what you are getting into or walking in on us. When you awake from your nap it's time to check your diaper again, pick out a dvd for you to watch and later outside to play in the swing or your water table. You are getting the hang of walking, but stairs still require some assistance. Around 5:30 it's bath time, then dinner. We read to you as you drink your last bottle before you are off to bed. Then Mommy and I can have dinner aqnd spend time talking about the events of the day and make plans for what we are going to do as a family when our days off and evenings permit. You are such a smart and fun little girl. I think we are so lucky to have you and each other. Parenting is not an easy task, but the rewards are immeasurable. There's no greater feeling in the world to have your daughter's hand in yours as you walk, or to feel so needed and loved. When you were first born I was worried about how the dynamics would change with your needs added to the equation but now I know. It's heaven to be your Daddy and Michelle's partner, I feel so loved and complete. We are so blessed to have you in our lives Chloe Jade!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
From afar........
My Dearest Chloe,
For the time being your Mother and I are no longer together. It is my fault, I didn't appreciate the miracle that was you and your Mother and am now no longer living in the house that we had came to call home. I miss you every minute of every day. Even though your Mother and I don't see eye to eye I will always love you and her and in my hopes and prayers maybe time will help to heal the hurt I have caused. Honestly, your Mom has really surprised me since your birth. She devotes all of her efforts and life to the loving, caring, protection and happiness of you. You are blessed to be her child, just as she is blessed to have been given such a precious gift as you.
I am not at home where I thought I belonged because I came to the realization that in my present condition I could not give either of you the life that you deserve. It was hard, it took some courage, but I couldn't in good conscience continue living in a manner that would be detrimental to you or your Mother any longer. My deepest prayers and hopes are that in time we will be able to spend time together and even though your Mother will most likely move on I will always be your Dad. I also didn't want to pass on the dysfunction that has so negatively affected my life. One of the basic tenets of your Mother and mines relationship is honesty and not including this time in your life would be a lie by omission.
That being said I have to give praise to the wonderful job and all the sacrifices your Mom has been making to give you the best that life has to offer. You two are such beautiful beings and I pray the Lord will look over you and protect you while I am not there to do that myself.
I love you Chloe Jade Rivera, missing you is becoming he fuel that I need to get through this difficult time and become the father you deserve.
For the time being your Mother and I are no longer together. It is my fault, I didn't appreciate the miracle that was you and your Mother and am now no longer living in the house that we had came to call home. I miss you every minute of every day. Even though your Mother and I don't see eye to eye I will always love you and her and in my hopes and prayers maybe time will help to heal the hurt I have caused. Honestly, your Mom has really surprised me since your birth. She devotes all of her efforts and life to the loving, caring, protection and happiness of you. You are blessed to be her child, just as she is blessed to have been given such a precious gift as you.
I am not at home where I thought I belonged because I came to the realization that in my present condition I could not give either of you the life that you deserve. It was hard, it took some courage, but I couldn't in good conscience continue living in a manner that would be detrimental to you or your Mother any longer. My deepest prayers and hopes are that in time we will be able to spend time together and even though your Mother will most likely move on I will always be your Dad. I also didn't want to pass on the dysfunction that has so negatively affected my life. One of the basic tenets of your Mother and mines relationship is honesty and not including this time in your life would be a lie by omission.
That being said I have to give praise to the wonderful job and all the sacrifices your Mom has been making to give you the best that life has to offer. You two are such beautiful beings and I pray the Lord will look over you and protect you while I am not there to do that myself.
I love you Chloe Jade Rivera, missing you is becoming he fuel that I need to get through this difficult time and become the father you deserve.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Can You See Me Now?
MawMaw came over with your cousins the other day. MawMaw bought cousin Emma a pretend doctors' kit and put the glasses on you. No matter what type of day I'm having, I know I will always look at this picture and laugh. You remind me of a chimpanzee wearing glasses!
You are my joy and such a burst of brightness, Chloe.
You are my joy and such a burst of brightness, Chloe.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
When Mommy Goes to Work
Dear Chloe,
When your Mom went back to work I was terrified. It is a lot of responsibility to care for a child, especially a small baby who can hold her in a battle of wills with any adult. For weeks, every Tuesday and Friday brought so much stress. As soon as your Mother left for work the trial by fire would begin. You refused your bottle, and would scream for hours on end unless I simply put you in the bedroom and let you smell your sweet Mother's scent from her favorite blankie. In the last month a lot has changed. I really think the two of us have turned a corner and are headed in the right direction now. My Mom came by yesterday for a visit and seen first hand the 180 you have pulled on us. Your three cousins and Maw-maw sent you into a frenzy like the days of old, but you would immediately get quiet and calm in Daddy's loving arms. You were so good that you even fell asleep with me rocking you, and you haven't wanted to sleep in my arms since about a week after we brought you home from the hospital. I could never take the place of your Mother, but it does my soul good to feel the love and acceptance you have begun to show me as well. I was so worried that I wouldn't be a good Daddy. My Father was never there, and one of my primary goals has been to take the lessons I learned from life and not continue the same cycle again and again.
And though we have made excellent progress, I see so much of myself in you. A lot of times when I hold you now I watch as you study the world around you. I think you feel safe in my arms, and it is a break for Mommy when we can sit and spend time together while she actually completes a task without having to stop and constantly hold you. And even though you are hard headed and can be stubborn, you also look for new faces when you are out and about and remind me a lot of my Mom's father in the way you will share your huge toothless grin with total strangers. You also have my short attention span, and will immediately let us know if the current situation is not to your liking. Maw-maw says your are spoiled, but so what. You are a miracle, and deserve to be spoiled. I don't know if we'll ever try to conceive again, for the moment I think your Mother and I are content with being able to give you and only you our all.
Since you have been so much better for me now when we are alone, I can discern now between your different cries and whines. Where as before my main goal when your Mom went to work was to make sure I didn't take you the safe drop zone at the Benhaven Volunteer Fire Department, now I spend our days together pushing the limits of what we can accomplish together. From the moment we concieved and your Mom and I were faced with this new reality for our lives, I have known that you are a blessing from above. Of the billions of people on this planet Earth, there are not one but TWO that I would gladly lay down my life for if it meant they were safe and happy.
When you get older and get to read the thoughts your Mother and I have to share I hope you know just how much you mean to us. There is no greater joy than being a parent. You are so beautiful and precious, and we are honored to be there as you develop. Every new achievement is a wonder, and every week you grow so much.
Daddy loves you Chloe Jade Rivera :)
When your Mom went back to work I was terrified. It is a lot of responsibility to care for a child, especially a small baby who can hold her in a battle of wills with any adult. For weeks, every Tuesday and Friday brought so much stress. As soon as your Mother left for work the trial by fire would begin. You refused your bottle, and would scream for hours on end unless I simply put you in the bedroom and let you smell your sweet Mother's scent from her favorite blankie. In the last month a lot has changed. I really think the two of us have turned a corner and are headed in the right direction now. My Mom came by yesterday for a visit and seen first hand the 180 you have pulled on us. Your three cousins and Maw-maw sent you into a frenzy like the days of old, but you would immediately get quiet and calm in Daddy's loving arms. You were so good that you even fell asleep with me rocking you, and you haven't wanted to sleep in my arms since about a week after we brought you home from the hospital. I could never take the place of your Mother, but it does my soul good to feel the love and acceptance you have begun to show me as well. I was so worried that I wouldn't be a good Daddy. My Father was never there, and one of my primary goals has been to take the lessons I learned from life and not continue the same cycle again and again.
And though we have made excellent progress, I see so much of myself in you. A lot of times when I hold you now I watch as you study the world around you. I think you feel safe in my arms, and it is a break for Mommy when we can sit and spend time together while she actually completes a task without having to stop and constantly hold you. And even though you are hard headed and can be stubborn, you also look for new faces when you are out and about and remind me a lot of my Mom's father in the way you will share your huge toothless grin with total strangers. You also have my short attention span, and will immediately let us know if the current situation is not to your liking. Maw-maw says your are spoiled, but so what. You are a miracle, and deserve to be spoiled. I don't know if we'll ever try to conceive again, for the moment I think your Mother and I are content with being able to give you and only you our all.
Since you have been so much better for me now when we are alone, I can discern now between your different cries and whines. Where as before my main goal when your Mom went to work was to make sure I didn't take you the safe drop zone at the Benhaven Volunteer Fire Department, now I spend our days together pushing the limits of what we can accomplish together. From the moment we concieved and your Mom and I were faced with this new reality for our lives, I have known that you are a blessing from above. Of the billions of people on this planet Earth, there are not one but TWO that I would gladly lay down my life for if it meant they were safe and happy.
When you get older and get to read the thoughts your Mother and I have to share I hope you know just how much you mean to us. There is no greater joy than being a parent. You are so beautiful and precious, and we are honored to be there as you develop. Every new achievement is a wonder, and every week you grow so much.
Daddy loves you Chloe Jade Rivera :)
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Dear Chloe: So Much To Say
You are changing every day. The first few weeks after you were born, you were growing daily but didn't have much of a personality. You would eat, sleep and need a diaper change every few hours. I will be honest, I didn't really enjoy the newborn phase. Now, you coo, giggle, smile, squirm, eat, drink, inspect, explore, flail and interact with others. You are more independent, becoming your own person. I no longer feel like you are attached to my boob 24/7. It's all happening so fast and sometimes I feel sad you'd not my helpless little snail anymore.
I put you in your crib the other night after your bath. You enjoy watching your mobile now and reach for the plush butterflies swirling overhead. I thought you'd just take a short snooze and wake up in a hour wanting to come to bed with us. Two hours went by and you didn't stir so I went to bed. I awoke at 1am and hadn't heard you cry so in a panic, I rushed into your room thinking you stopped breathing. You hadn't died from SIDS, you were sleeping peacefully on your side with your thumb in your mouth. I crawled back into bed and felt a little lonely, like you didn't need me as much anymore. At 5:30am, you called out to be fed. You slept from 8pm-5:30am and I was shocked. I was also well rested, I actually dreamed that night which hasn't happened since you were born. The next night, I put you in your crib and you didn't protest. Once again, you slept through the night. I woke up at 6am and checked on you. You were awake, just looking around the room. Once you saw my face, you lit up like a GE light bulb.
You seem more happy in the crib, you seem to sleep better. Although I miss your sweet smelling body next to mine at night, I know it's time for this transition. I know all too soon you will be rolling and I'd feel horrible if you fell out of the bed. I also sleep better without you. I'm not unconciously worrying all night about how close you are to the edge. It's better for my relationship with Daddy too because instead for snuggling with you all night, once again he's my snuggle bunny. I think it benefits the entire family.
Interestingly, since this crib transition has occured, you have decided to drink bottles from Dad while I'm at work. Last Tuesday, I got no phone calls or text messages from Dad. I thought you must have had a real bad day and he was so busy consoling you he didn't have time to let me know how the day was going. When I got home, he was sitting on the porch swing rocking you and told me you had the best day ever. You drank two full bottles with no protesting, you to played with toys and watered the plants together. Lately, everytime you see him, you do your wide mouth tree frog grin. Another new chapter has opened.
You have started to eat from a spoon. We started with rice cereal and breastmilk and you gobbled it up. I started to feed you in the evenings because it seems my supply is low at the end of the day especially if I have been working. Most days at work, my break is spent pumping so I don't get a chance to eat. During my shift, I don't get to drink as much water either. Some nights, you were still hungry and my boobs felt empty. You look forward to your eveing meal now. You get cranky if your real supper time is late. When you see me coming with your pink spoon and cup you start screeching like a monkey "Oooooooooh!Oooooooh!OOOOoooooh!". You grab hold of the bowl and try to tip in into your mouth. I have started to introduce small amounts of fruits and veggies with your cereal slop. Instead of buying baby food, I made some from organic fruits and veggies. I steamed the fruits and baked the sweet potatoes then whipped them with the handy stick blender. You don't eat more than a tablespoon at a time, so it would be wasteful to buy jars. I dropped the pureed food onto self sealing plastic wrap and froze them into itty bitty portions. Once you eat your real food, you are out for the count. I think it's been a piece of the puzzle that has helped you start sleeping better during the night.
Sweet potatoes, apples and pears. You have also tried bananas and avocados. Bananas. Bananas gave me a scare. A day after you ate bananas, I was changing your diaper and noticed dark reddish/black thread like things in your poop. I freaked out, I thought you had worms. You drool constantly and always have your hands in your mouth. I remember people telling me to stop biting my nails or I'd get worms when I was little. I thought you got worms from stucking on your thumb. I frantically made phone calls and searched the web. Turns out the dark threads in your poop were from bananas. Just like a fresh baked loaf of banana bread.
I have read about the pros and cons about introducing solids. Some say that introducing solids early can cause overweight children or allergies. You don't seem to have any problems with food allergies. You just aren't satified in the evenings if I don't feed you your slop. You pull off my deflated breast and look at me and protest, "Empty Mama!". So, if you grow up to be a fat kid, you can blame me. I personally think you carry your weight well.
You love to spent time outside even if it's 100 degrees. It's a war zone out there though. You can connect the dots on my legs from 'skeeter bites. Two days ago, a paper wasp stung my arm and I had an allergic reaction. A few weeks ago, a female bluebird was building a nest in her wooden house. She laid five beautiful eggs the color of your eyes. I was excited to be able to observe her nestlings hatch. I was sitting outside one evening and something caught my eye. I saw a snake slithering into her box. She wasn't home to protect her eggs. The snake remained in the box for a day and sucked down all her eggs.
When his belly was full, he left. The next morning, I watched as the mama bluebird returned. She looked into her box for a minute and flew away. I felt sad for her but then thought of this quote by Richard Dawkins. "Nature is not cruel, pitilessly, indifferent. This is one of the hardest lessons for humans to learn. We cannot admit that things might be neither good nor evil, neither cruel nor kind, but simply callous -- indifferent to all suffering, lacking all purpose."
It can be hard to understand why things happen sometimes. I don't love snakes, they scare me a bit. Your Dad really doesn't like them and he wanted to kill it when he first saw it swallowing the eggs. I begged him to have mercy on the snake. The snake isn't evil, it was just hungry. So, I hope in your future, you will think of this quote before you take action. Sometimes, it's better to just sit back in the Bumbo and watch life unfold.
I put you in your crib the other night after your bath. You enjoy watching your mobile now and reach for the plush butterflies swirling overhead. I thought you'd just take a short snooze and wake up in a hour wanting to come to bed with us. Two hours went by and you didn't stir so I went to bed. I awoke at 1am and hadn't heard you cry so in a panic, I rushed into your room thinking you stopped breathing. You hadn't died from SIDS, you were sleeping peacefully on your side with your thumb in your mouth. I crawled back into bed and felt a little lonely, like you didn't need me as much anymore. At 5:30am, you called out to be fed. You slept from 8pm-5:30am and I was shocked. I was also well rested, I actually dreamed that night which hasn't happened since you were born. The next night, I put you in your crib and you didn't protest. Once again, you slept through the night. I woke up at 6am and checked on you. You were awake, just looking around the room. Once you saw my face, you lit up like a GE light bulb.
You seem more happy in the crib, you seem to sleep better. Although I miss your sweet smelling body next to mine at night, I know it's time for this transition. I know all too soon you will be rolling and I'd feel horrible if you fell out of the bed. I also sleep better without you. I'm not unconciously worrying all night about how close you are to the edge. It's better for my relationship with Daddy too because instead for snuggling with you all night, once again he's my snuggle bunny. I think it benefits the entire family.
Interestingly, since this crib transition has occured, you have decided to drink bottles from Dad while I'm at work. Last Tuesday, I got no phone calls or text messages from Dad. I thought you must have had a real bad day and he was so busy consoling you he didn't have time to let me know how the day was going. When I got home, he was sitting on the porch swing rocking you and told me you had the best day ever. You drank two full bottles with no protesting, you to played with toys and watered the plants together. Lately, everytime you see him, you do your wide mouth tree frog grin. Another new chapter has opened.
You have started to eat from a spoon. We started with rice cereal and breastmilk and you gobbled it up. I started to feed you in the evenings because it seems my supply is low at the end of the day especially if I have been working. Most days at work, my break is spent pumping so I don't get a chance to eat. During my shift, I don't get to drink as much water either. Some nights, you were still hungry and my boobs felt empty. You look forward to your eveing meal now. You get cranky if your real supper time is late. When you see me coming with your pink spoon and cup you start screeching like a monkey "Oooooooooh!Oooooooh!OOOOoooooh!". You grab hold of the bowl and try to tip in into your mouth. I have started to introduce small amounts of fruits and veggies with your cereal slop. Instead of buying baby food, I made some from organic fruits and veggies. I steamed the fruits and baked the sweet potatoes then whipped them with the handy stick blender. You don't eat more than a tablespoon at a time, so it would be wasteful to buy jars. I dropped the pureed food onto self sealing plastic wrap and froze them into itty bitty portions. Once you eat your real food, you are out for the count. I think it's been a piece of the puzzle that has helped you start sleeping better during the night.
Sweet potatoes, apples and pears. You have also tried bananas and avocados. Bananas. Bananas gave me a scare. A day after you ate bananas, I was changing your diaper and noticed dark reddish/black thread like things in your poop. I freaked out, I thought you had worms. You drool constantly and always have your hands in your mouth. I remember people telling me to stop biting my nails or I'd get worms when I was little. I thought you got worms from stucking on your thumb. I frantically made phone calls and searched the web. Turns out the dark threads in your poop were from bananas. Just like a fresh baked loaf of banana bread.
I have read about the pros and cons about introducing solids. Some say that introducing solids early can cause overweight children or allergies. You don't seem to have any problems with food allergies. You just aren't satified in the evenings if I don't feed you your slop. You pull off my deflated breast and look at me and protest, "Empty Mama!". So, if you grow up to be a fat kid, you can blame me. I personally think you carry your weight well.
You love to spent time outside even if it's 100 degrees. It's a war zone out there though. You can connect the dots on my legs from 'skeeter bites. Two days ago, a paper wasp stung my arm and I had an allergic reaction. A few weeks ago, a female bluebird was building a nest in her wooden house. She laid five beautiful eggs the color of your eyes. I was excited to be able to observe her nestlings hatch. I was sitting outside one evening and something caught my eye. I saw a snake slithering into her box. She wasn't home to protect her eggs. The snake remained in the box for a day and sucked down all her eggs.
When his belly was full, he left. The next morning, I watched as the mama bluebird returned. She looked into her box for a minute and flew away. I felt sad for her but then thought of this quote by Richard Dawkins. "Nature is not cruel, pitilessly, indifferent. This is one of the hardest lessons for humans to learn. We cannot admit that things might be neither good nor evil, neither cruel nor kind, but simply callous -- indifferent to all suffering, lacking all purpose."
It can be hard to understand why things happen sometimes. I don't love snakes, they scare me a bit. Your Dad really doesn't like them and he wanted to kill it when he first saw it swallowing the eggs. I begged him to have mercy on the snake. The snake isn't evil, it was just hungry. So, I hope in your future, you will think of this quote before you take action. Sometimes, it's better to just sit back in the Bumbo and watch life unfold.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Dear Chloe: You Light Up My Life
I love you so very much. You have taught me love I have never known. I can't wait to get off work to see your smiling face, your unfailing love. It brings me to tears thinking about. I have never loved anything (except my dogs) so unconditionally and completely. I even love your constant stream of drool and stinky farts.
You haven't adjusted so well to my return to work. You refuse to eat from a bottle while I'm gone. You refuse to eat, period. The first time I got a phone call about your self induced anorexia, I was in a panic. I thought you'd die of starvation during my eight hour shift. I almost came home early. You were still alive when I got home after a full day of work, just hungry. The days that I work screws up your schedule. You want to constantly nurse at night. You can roll to your side now so it works out fine. You just lay next to me in bed and turn over for snacks during the night. The reverse cycling a few times a week hasn't hurt you. You are still as rolly-polly as ever. I endearingly call you my fatty-pig-pig. "Hey baby pig, how ya doin'?", I ask as you are waking up. I hope I don't give you a complex.
You can light up a room with your smile, Chloe. People are always fawning over you now when we are in public. You eat the attention up when I have you in the sling or holding you when we are out and about. I look down when you are strapped in the Snugli and see you eyeing people in WalMart. You want them to make eye contact with you, to talk to you. Once they do, it's showtime Baby! Your face lights up like the sunshine and you give them a huge toofless grin. They tell you how pretty you are and smile back, it makes you happy. Now, you have decided to coo and talk to people. The strangers enjoy this even more and have a "ahhhhhh-gooo" conversation with you. It makes me happy and proud too. I sometimes can't believe my eyes. Just eight weeks ago, I wouldn't attempt to take you out to eat by myself. Now that we both are more comfortable in the big wide world together, it's fun.
I took this picture into work with me to show friends. One person said, your face reminded them of a cheery Gerber daisy. They thought your dress suited you.
I even took you to Grammy's pool. A first, it wasn't so fun. You seemed cranky but it was because you were tired. You feel asleep for a few hours in the shade. When you woke up, you were your happy old self again. It's getting easier to read your cues now. When you are hungry, tired or dirty. I understand what you need know and I'm glad. We hardly ever have a bad day together anymore.
This week, we went to see my dogs, Monty and Missy. It's a very hard thing for me to do. I miss them and don't want to cause them more distress. I had to make the decision to leave them and let them live out the rest of their days on the farm.
I have searched for the word to describe the reunions with my dogs and it's bittersweet. Bitter because I miss them. Times during this visit I felt Monty was avoiding my hugs and kisses. I understand if he was, maybe it's confusing and painful. Where have I been the last ten months for kisses? He would walk away from me and plop down in the tall grass and I let him have his space.
Sweet because Monty tried to climb around your carseat to hop in while I was trying to buckle you up. Bitter because I told him, "no, out" because he couldn't come. Sweet because his body wagged when I got out of the car and said, "Hello my Monter and Mystical Missy!" Bitter when I got into the car and they stood around it before they obeyed the command to go inside.
Remember when I wrote about following your heart? Well, sometimes in life, we must make difficult choices. As humans, we tend to think of ourselves when we make them. I hope you learn to be selfless, Chloe. I don't want you to become a doormat but I hope you think about how your actions will affect others, even animals. In my heart, I know the dogs are better on the farm. They can go in and out the doggie door as they please. They have the freedom they have rightly earned. If they lived with us, they wouldn't be able to run freely because we have no fence and are 200 ft from the road. So, I feel okay with the decision I made to leave them, because I put their needs first.
I live by the same standards for you. I put you first, I always will. I'm glad you got to see animals that I love.
You haven't adjusted so well to my return to work. You refuse to eat from a bottle while I'm gone. You refuse to eat, period. The first time I got a phone call about your self induced anorexia, I was in a panic. I thought you'd die of starvation during my eight hour shift. I almost came home early. You were still alive when I got home after a full day of work, just hungry. The days that I work screws up your schedule. You want to constantly nurse at night. You can roll to your side now so it works out fine. You just lay next to me in bed and turn over for snacks during the night. The reverse cycling a few times a week hasn't hurt you. You are still as rolly-polly as ever. I endearingly call you my fatty-pig-pig. "Hey baby pig, how ya doin'?", I ask as you are waking up. I hope I don't give you a complex.
You can light up a room with your smile, Chloe. People are always fawning over you now when we are in public. You eat the attention up when I have you in the sling or holding you when we are out and about. I look down when you are strapped in the Snugli and see you eyeing people in WalMart. You want them to make eye contact with you, to talk to you. Once they do, it's showtime Baby! Your face lights up like the sunshine and you give them a huge toofless grin. They tell you how pretty you are and smile back, it makes you happy. Now, you have decided to coo and talk to people. The strangers enjoy this even more and have a "ahhhhhh-gooo" conversation with you. It makes me happy and proud too. I sometimes can't believe my eyes. Just eight weeks ago, I wouldn't attempt to take you out to eat by myself. Now that we both are more comfortable in the big wide world together, it's fun.
I took this picture into work with me to show friends. One person said, your face reminded them of a cheery Gerber daisy. They thought your dress suited you.
I even took you to Grammy's pool. A first, it wasn't so fun. You seemed cranky but it was because you were tired. You feel asleep for a few hours in the shade. When you woke up, you were your happy old self again. It's getting easier to read your cues now. When you are hungry, tired or dirty. I understand what you need know and I'm glad. We hardly ever have a bad day together anymore.
This week, we went to see my dogs, Monty and Missy. It's a very hard thing for me to do. I miss them and don't want to cause them more distress. I had to make the decision to leave them and let them live out the rest of their days on the farm.
I have searched for the word to describe the reunions with my dogs and it's bittersweet. Bitter because I miss them. Times during this visit I felt Monty was avoiding my hugs and kisses. I understand if he was, maybe it's confusing and painful. Where have I been the last ten months for kisses? He would walk away from me and plop down in the tall grass and I let him have his space.
Sweet because Monty tried to climb around your carseat to hop in while I was trying to buckle you up. Bitter because I told him, "no, out" because he couldn't come. Sweet because his body wagged when I got out of the car and said, "Hello my Monter and Mystical Missy!" Bitter when I got into the car and they stood around it before they obeyed the command to go inside.
Remember when I wrote about following your heart? Well, sometimes in life, we must make difficult choices. As humans, we tend to think of ourselves when we make them. I hope you learn to be selfless, Chloe. I don't want you to become a doormat but I hope you think about how your actions will affect others, even animals. In my heart, I know the dogs are better on the farm. They can go in and out the doggie door as they please. They have the freedom they have rightly earned. If they lived with us, they wouldn't be able to run freely because we have no fence and are 200 ft from the road. So, I feel okay with the decision I made to leave them, because I put their needs first.
I live by the same standards for you. I put you first, I always will. I'm glad you got to see animals that I love.
Monday, June 16, 2008
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