When Mommy Goes to Work

Dear Chloe,

When your Mom went back to work I was terrified. It is a lot of responsibility to care for a child, especially a small baby who can hold her in a battle of wills with any adult. For weeks, every Tuesday and Friday brought so much stress. As soon as your Mother left for work the trial by fire would begin. You refused your bottle, and would scream for hours on end unless I simply put you in the bedroom and let you smell your sweet Mother's scent from her favorite blankie. In the last month a lot has changed. I really think the two of us have turned a corner and are headed in the right direction now. My Mom came by yesterday for a visit and seen first hand the 180 you have pulled on us. Your three cousins and Maw-maw sent you into a frenzy like the days of old, but you would immediately get quiet and calm in Daddy's loving arms. You were so good that you even fell asleep with me rocking you, and you haven't wanted to sleep in my arms since about a week after we brought you home from the hospital. I could never take the place of your Mother, but it does my soul good to feel the love and acceptance you have begun to show me as well. I was so worried that I wouldn't be a good Daddy. My Father was never there, and one of my primary goals has been to take the lessons I learned from life and not continue the same cycle again and again.
And though we have made excellent progress, I see so much of myself in you. A lot of times when I hold you now I watch as you study the world around you. I think you feel safe in my arms, and it is a break for Mommy when we can sit and spend time together while she actually completes a task without having to stop and constantly hold you. And even though you are hard headed and can be stubborn, you also look for new faces when you are out and about and remind me a lot of my Mom's father in the way you will share your huge toothless grin with total strangers. You also have my short attention span, and will immediately let us know if the current situation is not to your liking. Maw-maw says your are spoiled, but so what. You are a miracle, and deserve to be spoiled. I don't know if we'll ever try to conceive again, for the moment I think your Mother and I are content with being able to give you and only you our all.
Since you have been so much better for me now when we are alone, I can discern now between your different cries and whines. Where as before my main goal when your Mom went to work was to make sure I didn't take you the safe drop zone at the Benhaven Volunteer Fire Department, now I spend our days together pushing the limits of what we can accomplish together. From the moment we concieved and your Mom and I were faced with this new reality for our lives, I have known that you are a blessing from above. Of the billions of people on this planet Earth, there are not one but TWO that I would gladly lay down my life for if it meant they were safe and happy.
When you get older and get to read the thoughts your Mother and I have to share I hope you know just how much you mean to us. There is no greater joy than being a parent. You are so beautiful and precious, and we are honored to be there as you develop. Every new achievement is a wonder, and every week you grow so much.
Daddy loves you Chloe Jade Rivera :)

Dear Chloe: So Much To Say

You are changing every day. The first few weeks after you were born, you were growing daily but didn't have much of a personality. You would eat, sleep and need a diaper change every few hours. I will be honest, I didn't really enjoy the newborn phase. Now, you coo, giggle, smile, squirm, eat, drink, inspect, explore, flail and interact with others. You are more independent, becoming your own person. I no longer feel like you are attached to my boob 24/7. It's all happening so fast and sometimes I feel sad you'd not my helpless little snail anymore.

I put you in your crib the other night after your bath. You enjoy watching your mobile now and reach for the plush butterflies swirling overhead. I thought you'd just take a short snooze and wake up in a hour wanting to come to bed with us. Two hours went by and you didn't stir so I went to bed. I awoke at 1am and hadn't heard you cry so in a panic, I rushed into your room thinking you stopped breathing. You hadn't died from SIDS, you were sleeping peacefully on your side with your thumb in your mouth. I crawled back into bed and felt a little lonely, like you didn't need me as much anymore. At 5:30am, you called out to be fed. You slept from 8pm-5:30am and I was shocked. I was also well rested, I actually dreamed that night which hasn't happened since you were born. The next night, I put you in your crib and you didn't protest. Once again, you slept through the night. I woke up at 6am and checked on you. You were awake, just looking around the room. Once you saw my face, you lit up like a GE light bulb.

You seem more happy in the crib, you seem to sleep better. Although I miss your sweet smelling body next to mine at night, I know it's time for this transition. I know all too soon you will be rolling and I'd feel horrible if you fell out of the bed. I also sleep better without you. I'm not unconciously worrying all night about how close you are to the edge. It's better for my relationship with Daddy too because instead for snuggling with you all night, once again he's my snuggle bunny. I think it benefits the entire family.

Interestingly, since this crib transition has occured, you have decided to drink bottles from Dad while I'm at work. Last Tuesday, I got no phone calls or text messages from Dad. I thought you must have had a real bad day and he was so busy consoling you he didn't have time to let me know how the day was going. When I got home, he was sitting on the porch swing rocking you and told me you had the best day ever. You drank two full bottles with no protesting, you to played with toys and watered the plants together. Lately, everytime you see him, you do your wide mouth tree frog grin. Another new chapter has opened.

You have started to eat from a spoon. We started with rice cereal and breastmilk and you gobbled it up. I started to feed you in the evenings because it seems my supply is low at the end of the day especially if I have been working. Most days at work, my break is spent pumping so I don't get a chance to eat. During my shift, I don't get to drink as much water either. Some nights, you were still hungry and my boobs felt empty. You look forward to your eveing meal now. You get cranky if your real supper time is late. When you see me coming with your pink spoon and cup you start screeching like a monkey "Oooooooooh!Oooooooh!OOOOoooooh!". You grab hold of the bowl and try to tip in into your mouth. I have started to introduce small amounts of fruits and veggies with your cereal slop. Instead of buying baby food, I made some from organic fruits and veggies. I steamed the fruits and baked the sweet potatoes then whipped them with the handy stick blender. You don't eat more than a tablespoon at a time, so it would be wasteful to buy jars. I dropped the pureed food onto self sealing plastic wrap and froze them into itty bitty portions. Once you eat your real food, you are out for the count. I think it's been a piece of the puzzle that has helped you start sleeping better during the night.




Sweet potatoes, apples and pears. You have also tried bananas and avocados. Bananas. Bananas gave me a scare. A day after you ate bananas, I was changing your diaper and noticed dark reddish/black thread like things in your poop. I freaked out, I thought you had worms. You drool constantly and always have your hands in your mouth. I remember people telling me to stop biting my nails or I'd get worms when I was little. I thought you got worms from stucking on your thumb. I frantically made phone calls and searched the web. Turns out the dark threads in your poop were from bananas. Just like a fresh baked loaf of banana bread.

I have read about the pros and cons about introducing solids. Some say that introducing solids early can cause overweight children or allergies. You don't seem to have any problems with food allergies. You just aren't satified in the evenings if I don't feed you your slop. You pull off my deflated breast and look at me and protest, "Empty Mama!". So, if you grow up to be a fat kid, you can blame me. I personally think you carry your weight well.





You love to spent time outside even if it's 100 degrees. It's a war zone out there though. You can connect the dots on my legs from 'skeeter bites. Two days ago, a paper wasp stung my arm and I had an allergic reaction. A few weeks ago, a female bluebird was building a nest in her wooden house. She laid five beautiful eggs the color of your eyes. I was excited to be able to observe her nestlings hatch. I was sitting outside one evening and something caught my eye. I saw a snake slithering into her box. She wasn't home to protect her eggs. The snake remained in the box for a day and sucked down all her eggs.



When his belly was full, he left. The next morning, I watched as the mama bluebird returned. She looked into her box for a minute and flew away. I felt sad for her but then thought of this quote by Richard Dawkins. "Nature is not cruel, pitilessly, indifferent. This is one of the hardest lessons for humans to learn. We cannot admit that things might be neither good nor evil, neither cruel nor kind, but simply callous -- indifferent to all suffering, lacking all purpose."



It can be hard to understand why things happen sometimes. I don't love snakes, they scare me a bit. Your Dad really doesn't like them and he wanted to kill it when he first saw it swallowing the eggs. I begged him to have mercy on the snake. The snake isn't evil, it was just hungry. So, I hope in your future, you will think of this quote before you take action. Sometimes, it's better to just sit back in the Bumbo and watch life unfold.

Dear Chloe: You Light Up My Life

I love you so very much. You have taught me love I have never known. I can't wait to get off work to see your smiling face, your unfailing love. It brings me to tears thinking about. I have never loved anything (except my dogs) so unconditionally and completely. I even love your constant stream of drool and stinky farts.

You haven't adjusted so well to my return to work. You refuse to eat from a bottle while I'm gone. You refuse to eat, period. The first time I got a phone call about your self induced anorexia, I was in a panic. I thought you'd die of starvation during my eight hour shift. I almost came home early. You were still alive when I got home after a full day of work, just hungry. The days that I work screws up your schedule. You want to constantly nurse at night. You can roll to your side now so it works out fine. You just lay next to me in bed and turn over for snacks during the night. The reverse cycling a few times a week hasn't hurt you. You are still as rolly-polly as ever. I endearingly call you my fatty-pig-pig. "Hey baby pig, how ya doin'?", I ask as you are waking up. I hope I don't give you a complex.



You can light up a room with your smile, Chloe. People are always fawning over you now when we are in public. You eat the attention up when I have you in the sling or holding you when we are out and about. I look down when you are strapped in the Snugli and see you eyeing people in WalMart. You want them to make eye contact with you, to talk to you. Once they do, it's showtime Baby! Your face lights up like the sunshine and you give them a huge toofless grin. They tell you how pretty you are and smile back, it makes you happy. Now, you have decided to coo and talk to people. The strangers enjoy this even more and have a "ahhhhhh-gooo" conversation with you. It makes me happy and proud too. I sometimes can't believe my eyes. Just eight weeks ago, I wouldn't attempt to take you out to eat by myself. Now that we both are more comfortable in the big wide world together, it's fun.





I took this picture into work with me to show friends. One person said, your face reminded them of a cheery Gerber daisy. They thought your dress suited you.



I even took you to Grammy's pool. A first, it wasn't so fun. You seemed cranky but it was because you were tired. You feel asleep for a few hours in the shade. When you woke up, you were your happy old self again. It's getting easier to read your cues now. When you are hungry, tired or dirty. I understand what you need know and I'm glad. We hardly ever have a bad day together anymore.



This week, we went to see my dogs, Monty and Missy. It's a very hard thing for me to do. I miss them and don't want to cause them more distress. I had to make the decision to leave them and let them live out the rest of their days on the farm.



I have searched for the word to describe the reunions with my dogs and it's bittersweet. Bitter because I miss them. Times during this visit I felt Monty was avoiding my hugs and kisses. I understand if he was, maybe it's confusing and painful. Where have I been the last ten months for kisses? He would walk away from me and plop down in the tall grass and I let him have his space.



Sweet because Monty tried to climb around your carseat to hop in while I was trying to buckle you up. Bitter because I told him, "no, out" because he couldn't come. Sweet because his body wagged when I got out of the car and said, "Hello my Monter and Mystical Missy!" Bitter when I got into the car and they stood around it before they obeyed the command to go inside.

Remember when I wrote about following your heart? Well, sometimes in life, we must make difficult choices. As humans, we tend to think of ourselves when we make them. I hope you learn to be selfless, Chloe. I don't want you to become a doormat but I hope you think about how your actions will affect others, even animals. In my heart, I know the dogs are better on the farm. They can go in and out the doggie door as they please. They have the freedom they have rightly earned. If they lived with us, they wouldn't be able to run freely because we have no fence and are 200 ft from the road. So, I feel okay with the decision I made to leave them, because I put their needs first.



I live by the same standards for you. I put you first, I always will. I'm glad you got to see animals that I love.

1st Father's Day

Make a Smilebox slideshow

To My Little Blessing

Dear Chloe,

We started this blog to do something special for you. When you get older thanks to the internet you will be able to know all the things that can can be forgotten along the way as you grow and change. Today is the first day your Mom left you with me while she went to work. I had just gotten off the phone with my Mom telling her how wonderful things were going when you decided to go ballistic for two consecutive hours. Nothing that a nice meandering ride in Dad's four wheel drive truck couldn't fix though. It's hard sometimes, because I know I am no substitute for your Mother. I wish you could see the two of you through my eyes, the never-ending supply of love and affection she shows you, doing the hokey pokey while we watch the Today show. I know that as time goes by we will do many fun things together, but there is a bond between your Mother and you that is irreplaceable.
You are getting so big. Every day when I get home from work it seems you have grown. You try to talk and blow spit bubbles. We have found that you also have your Mother's love for the outdoors, you like sitting in your baby bath tub that has become your back porch recliner. I am so blessed to have you and your Mother in my life. Last night at work I was showing off pix in my phone of you to my customers and some one told me "I never thought you would settle down and be a family man". Well your Mother is the "one", my hearts desire, and I know in my heart of hearts that you are a blessing from the fruits of a love that was trully meant to be. The last few weeks were kinda rough for your mother and I, mainly of my own doing. It was just her and I for so long, and I am having to learn to share. I seem to be at work all the time and my schedule has been so crazy that the three of us haven't really gotten into any kind of routine when it comes to spending time or doing things but hopefully it will all work itself out.
I just want to let you know that even though you can't talk I try to do things that you will appreciate. Your changing table wall is rapidly filling up with drawings that you stare at while you are getting your poopie pants changed. For my birthday my Mom even bought me special red and black gel pens so I can draw in colors that you love to look at best. Every time I draw you a picture and post it on the wall, you immediately know that something new is there. Maybe one day we can draw and color together.
It's almost eerie how much you look like I did as a child, my Mom said it looked you were" pulled out of my butt". But you have your grandma's eyes, and love to knead your feet and cover your head with the blankie just like your Mom. Well, you are up from your nap so I need to go pick you up and spend some time with you before your Mom gets home and I have to go to work. I love you Baby Spider Monkey!

Happy Birthday, I'm Sorry

Dear Chloe,

Happy three month birthday! I love you more each day. You are my world and I'm about to rock it. I'm sorry, I have to go back to work on Sunday. On Saturday night, I will drop you off at Jerry's moms' house. I have to be at work by 6am. If I woke in the morning to drive you, I'd have to wake up around 3am. It takes about 45min. to get to Maw-Maw's house. I think it would be much more stressful on Mawmaw, you and I if I woke you and had to rush to work.

But do you know how hard this is for me? It will be the first time I have left you for more than three hours. I have slept with you every night since you were born. To take a line from James Blunt, "I know you well, I know your smell". My bed will be deprived of your smell Saturday night. And your moans and thrashing. Everyone assures me I'll get a better night's sleep. I know I'll probably be lying awake wondering what you are doing.

So, everyone says it's the best idea. For you to spend the night. I started to think about why it bothered me. It bothers me because it's a step in the growing process. You are growing every day. You are no longer my baby snail. You are becoming my little spider monkey now; holding onto my shirt and wrapping your legs around my torso when I scoop you up.

MawMaw is the very best person I can leave you with the first time overnight. She honestly loves you. It makes me feel good when I see her love on you. She does the things I do. She doesn't mind holding you until her arms fall asleep. You makes funny sounds at you and I have seen you laugh at her antics. When she tells you she wants to "eat you up", I know you are in good hands.

You are growing up and I'm losing control and that's why it bothers me so much. On Tuesday and Friday, when you go to the babysitter's(Mrs.Y) I don't know what to expect. I don't know if she'll understand when you need to be held, or changed or fed. I really wrestled with the daycare decision, I really don't to put you in a center type of setting. Mrs. Y only has one three year old. And Chloe, I'm sorry but I bet that three year old will be jealous of you at first. She wasn't too happy when Mrs. Y asked her, "Don't you want to have baby Chloe?"

I have no doubt you'll figure it out with your MawMaw, Dad and Mrs. Y. They will learn to read your cues too. I gotta figure out when I can sneak a chance to pump. It will be a real hard thing for me to swallow if I give up breastfeeding due to work.

I told people at work it would be my dream if I could stay home for at least 12 weeks. My dream came true. I'm looking forward to you meeting new people, going to church with the first time with MawMaw and looking at new pictures on the walls. The stained glass is especially beautiful in the churches, Chloe! I hope you absorb the love and smile lots. It will be harder on me than you, especially if my cups overruneth with milk.

Dairy Brings Out the Devil

Dear Chloe,

So much has changed the last few weeks. I haven't written because I've been busy enjoying spending time with you. I woke up early this morning to finally write. You're still snoozing in the warm bed, like a little bug in a rug. I figured out you are allergic to dairy products. After researching colic, I started reading about allergies. One of the biggest culprits can be dairy. I was willing to try anything to stop your crying, the constant gas, the writhing in pain. I removed all dairy from my diet. Within three days, you were a different baby. You went from this:





To this:



Everyone is so much happier. I would never eat a hot fudge sundae again if I thought it would cause you distress. I start foaming at the mouth when I think about ice-cream though.

You are developing a personality. You smile, giggle and coo now. You are engaging and will follow and focus on things with your eyes. I was up pumping milk for the freezer the other morning at 3am and I found a channel called "Baby First TV", they had a night time program. I recorded a couple shows. You love them! I sit you in front of the the TV in your Boppy while I fix breakfast, do some dishes and laundry.



You also like to spend time outside. You love to watch the leaves rustling in the trees. While I water my plants, I'll put you in your plastic bucket and you'll entertain yourself by talking to the trees.





We went to see my dogs'old best friend Sabre and go for a walk the other day. You loved the hour walk as long as the stroller was moving. Sabre was surprised to see a stroller when I opened the trunk and Monty and Missy didn't jump out. She gave you a kiss anyway. I hope you learn to love animals as much as I do.



We went to the Farmer's Market to see old friends with Grammie Penny. You were still withdrawing from dairy so you were kind of cranky. We went behind an old shack to change your diaper and you fell asleep in Grammie's arms. Grammie said, "Take a picture of us while she's sleeping." I didn't want to, I didn't think the background was good enough. I didn't want people to think we live in that dump. I'm glad she encouraged me to take the picture because it turned out great! I actually framed in and gave it to her for Mother's Day.



You got your shots a few weeks ago. When the nurse told me I was going to have to hold your arms, I told her she's better find another helper because I wasn't going play a part in the torture. She called in another nurse but she wasn't thrilled about it. I took some pictures while you got the vaccines. The entire time they were sticking you, you looked at me for help. When I finally came to your rescue, you recovered quickly.





You are 14 pounds now, the size of a butterball turkey. You can roll over and can launch yourself forward when doing tummy time on the Boppy. You like to try and "stand" in our laps.




You have found your hands. You never have liked the paci but you like your thumb. We can get into a paci war at home, you refuse to suck on it and will spit it across the room. If I offer you a paci in public, you will happily suck on it. I can't figure this one out. I think you are a playa. You know I can't whip out a boob in a restuarant so you are okay with the paci. You're smarter than I give you credit for, aren't ya?





Just two months ago, you hated a bath. Now, it's your favorite activity. I'll play a CD and sing Gavin Degraw while you splash away. You'd float around in the tub for an hour if I let you. You don't smile while taking a bath though. You are too busy kicking your legs and flapping your arms. The expression on your face is usually concentration. I wish I knew what you were thinking about sometimes. Does the bath remind you of the time you spent in the womb?



Finally, we went to see Miss Morgan yesterday. Miss M lived the apartment complex where we conceived you. I wrote this about Miss M many months ago.

Miss Morgan is the oldest tenant living in the complex, she's 88. She's always trying to keep busy doing things outside. She loves to work. She worked for the railroad in Georgia for 35 years. Most mornings, you will find her outside raking pine straw. She has a plastic sheet that she loads up with the pine straw and drags into the woods. She only weighs about 95 pounds and I sometimes worry she'll fall while dragging her heavy loads. She's always admiring my flowers on the porch. She was especially fascinated with a planter I brought home that is stable on the railing because it has a cut out on it's base. Last week, I went to the plant farm and bought her a deck railing pot, a bag of soil and some flowers. You should have seen the joy in her eyes when I brought it to her. She was worrying herself to death about planting them. "How do I get them out of the little pots? Should I break up the roots when I pot them into the large deck pot? Should I do all the pink flowers on one side or the purple? How many times a day should I water them?" I assured her they would be fine, I picked out hardy plants that were meant for the shade on her deck. She said she was going to plant them after her nap. She put them right in front of her door and left the door open so she could keep a close eye on them.

A few hours later, I heard a knock at the door. It was Miss Morgan, "I can't open the bag of soil, I have the shakes too bad." (I think Miss Morgan has some sort of palsy. One day, she was trying to walk down the steps with a cup of water. She had spilled half before she made it down four steps because her hand was shaking so uncontrollably. I carried it down the rest of the way.) I was in the middle of cooking dinner so J offered to help. He went outside and helped Miss Morgan repot her flowers and placed them securely on the railing. Later that evening, Miss Morgan came outside with a spray bottle in hand. "I thought they could use a little refresher after their traumatic replanting experience." She gently spritzed every flower with a Cheshire cat like smile on her face. She checks on those flowers several times a day. I think they are the most loved flowers in a five mile radius.

Miss Morgan moved out of the apartment complex a few months before we did, she decided to go to a nursing home. It made me feel sad, she felt she could no longer care for herself alone. She was losing her independence. She took her flower pot to the nursing home with her though, she could still care for that. Your Dad and I visited Miss Morgan a few times at the home. I went to a florist that I waited on at the restuarant to buy her birthday flowers. When he asked me who they were for, I told him about Miss M. The florist made a huge arrangment of gladiolas. It was so big, the flowers touched the roof of the car when I drove them to the nursing home. The florist wouldn't accept any money for the flowers because he thought I was doing a good deed. I bought him breakfast the next time he came to the restaurant and always made sure his coffee was full.

Miss Morgan was thrilled with her birthday flowers. There was a pitiful vase of backyard dandilions on her nightstand that her daughter brought her the day before. Her daughter and grand daughter only lived 40 miles away but only came to see her three times a year. It angered me.

We took you to see Miss Morgan for your first trip in public but she wasn't there. We went on the day she was taken to Walmart and the bank. Miss Morgan was on my mind a lot this week. Yesterday, your Dad had the day off so we all went to visit. We knocked on her door and she squealed with delight when she saw us. You started crying when we walked into her little room. Amazingly, you took your paci(which you normally loathe) and happily sucked the entire visit.

Her little room was all boxed up. She told us she was going to a nursing home in Georgia, she was raised there and her only living sister is still there. Her daughter doesn't come to see her often still. I wanted to cry, she talked like she was going home to die. She handed me an envelope. It said, "Michelle and Jerry's Baby". It probably took her a long time to write that, her hands shake so bad she was worried we couldn't read it.

She's leaving in a few days and we promised to call because she can't write. I hope you will learn this, Chloe. Listen to your heart. If it is telling you something, listen. If I hadn't listened, I wouldn't have seen Miss Morgan before she passed away. She would have gone to Georgia without my knowledge. My heart kept telling me to go see her THIS WEEK.

Be thoughtful and kind, Chloe. Small gestures can make someone's day and touch their heart for a lifetime. If you are good to others, you will be rewarded. Remember how the florist gave me free flowers for Miss Morgan? He knew I didn't have much money but he was touched by the thought. I have no doubt Miss Morgan will look down at us from heaven watching you grow and smile.