Happy Birthday, I'm Sorry

Dear Chloe,

Happy three month birthday! I love you more each day. You are my world and I'm about to rock it. I'm sorry, I have to go back to work on Sunday. On Saturday night, I will drop you off at Jerry's moms' house. I have to be at work by 6am. If I woke in the morning to drive you, I'd have to wake up around 3am. It takes about 45min. to get to Maw-Maw's house. I think it would be much more stressful on Mawmaw, you and I if I woke you and had to rush to work.

But do you know how hard this is for me? It will be the first time I have left you for more than three hours. I have slept with you every night since you were born. To take a line from James Blunt, "I know you well, I know your smell". My bed will be deprived of your smell Saturday night. And your moans and thrashing. Everyone assures me I'll get a better night's sleep. I know I'll probably be lying awake wondering what you are doing.

So, everyone says it's the best idea. For you to spend the night. I started to think about why it bothered me. It bothers me because it's a step in the growing process. You are growing every day. You are no longer my baby snail. You are becoming my little spider monkey now; holding onto my shirt and wrapping your legs around my torso when I scoop you up.

MawMaw is the very best person I can leave you with the first time overnight. She honestly loves you. It makes me feel good when I see her love on you. She does the things I do. She doesn't mind holding you until her arms fall asleep. You makes funny sounds at you and I have seen you laugh at her antics. When she tells you she wants to "eat you up", I know you are in good hands.

You are growing up and I'm losing control and that's why it bothers me so much. On Tuesday and Friday, when you go to the babysitter's(Mrs.Y) I don't know what to expect. I don't know if she'll understand when you need to be held, or changed or fed. I really wrestled with the daycare decision, I really don't to put you in a center type of setting. Mrs. Y only has one three year old. And Chloe, I'm sorry but I bet that three year old will be jealous of you at first. She wasn't too happy when Mrs. Y asked her, "Don't you want to have baby Chloe?"

I have no doubt you'll figure it out with your MawMaw, Dad and Mrs. Y. They will learn to read your cues too. I gotta figure out when I can sneak a chance to pump. It will be a real hard thing for me to swallow if I give up breastfeeding due to work.

I told people at work it would be my dream if I could stay home for at least 12 weeks. My dream came true. I'm looking forward to you meeting new people, going to church with the first time with MawMaw and looking at new pictures on the walls. The stained glass is especially beautiful in the churches, Chloe! I hope you absorb the love and smile lots. It will be harder on me than you, especially if my cups overruneth with milk.