One month ago, your Dad was encouraging me to push when he saw your cabbage patch kid tuft of hair.
The pain of labor and delivery has faded. I'm more comfortable now and I've enjoyed the last two weeks with you. My oldest sister, your Aunt Deb, came and visited us for Easter. She brought us all sorts of goodies; food, blankets, toys, a jogging stroller, a breast pump and the beloved rocking chair. You love to be rocked. In the wee hours of the morning, at your 3am and 6am feedings, I'll stumble into the living room and rock while you nurse.
When your cord completely fell off, I got to start giving you real baths. I tried the plastic baby bath tub but you'd tilt your head to the side and drink the bath water. It also bothered me because you weren't getting rinsed off after sitting in dirty bath water. When I take a bath, I get into the shower afterwards to lather up and rinse again. I decided the kitchen sink would be the ideal bathing environment for you. I fill up one side of the sink with your bath water, lather you up and rinse you on the other side with the sprayer. Now, this is a hot topic with your Dad and I. He thinks it's torture when I spray you off. He'll actually leave the kitchen when I'm bathing you. You actually like the rinse cycle of the bath or are shocked because you don't make a peep when I hose you down.
We went to Grandpa's house for Easter dinner. Look at the size of his paws holding you! I think you got your monkey hands and feet from him. Everytime we go out to dinner, when the food is put on the table you start to act up. I swear I think you can smell the food. I will leave the table and sit in another room and feed you first. I don't mind really, it's our special quiet time. We can listen to everyone talking and I've come to realize that meals aren't as important to me as they once were.
We went to your Dad's moms' house one evening and she fixed a down home southern dinner. Pot roast, mashed potatoes, green beans, mac and cheese, a chicken and broccoli braid, baby carrots and her famous biscuits. After I ate that rich meal, you wanted to nurse almost all night long, guess you thought it was good too.
So many people love you, Chloe. You haven't even uttered a word but you have a fan club. Your Dad, my parents, Dad's parents and my sisters are your number one fans. Grammie Penny calls you fatty pig-pig. It's not meant as an insult, it's words of endearment. She just can't believe you came out of me. You are already wearing 3 month old clothes! You were blowing up newborn diapers at week two.
We went on our first trip alone to Walmart alone together yesterday. I was real nervous about it. Should I put your carseat in the top of the cart or inside? What if you started crying while I was shopping? So, we made it to the chip/junkfood isle and then you started melting down. I was standing stil because I ran into one of my dog training friends. You didn't appreciate the cart stopping, you liked watching the florescent lights rolling above you. I had to take you out of the carseat and carry you while pushing the cart. You settled down and I decided to get a pedicure! That part was easy because I could hold and nurse you while they worked on my piggies. It was good to get out with you, people ohhhed and ahhhed over you. "She's so tiny", "Look at her eyes", "She's beautiful". I was one proud Mama.
Speaking of dogs, I want you to meet and get pictures of you and Monty before he passes away. Monty was the reason I felt like one day, I'd be a good mama. When Monty was my very best companion for many years. I got him when he was only 6 weeks old, I grinded him raw chicken necks, I woke with him in the wee hours to let him out of his crate to potty, I took him to classes to become a therapy dog. We walked hundreds of miles together, he watched me laugh and cry. When I had to leave him for vacations, I'd go to the grocery store and buy all sorts of crazy things for him; gizzards, livers, hearts, kidneys to make him special stews.I'd call and check in on him. People would tell me I was spoiling him but he turned to the best dog I ever owned. I finally understood what unconditional love felt like. I still think of him daily. One day soon, we will pick up Monty and take him for a walk. Monty's leash in one of my hands and you wrapped in your baby sling. It will be a good day, a perfect circle.
People tell me I am spoiling you too, Chloe. I just ignore them because I know how Monty turned out. You probably will be my only child so why shouldn't I lavish all my attention on you? I respond to your every call. I feed you on demand. I let you sleep in our bed at night. I usually retire earlier than your Dad and he'll bring you into our bed and hold you on his chest until you fall asleep. Then, he'll place you in between us and we all sleep together like the three bears.
My heart is heavy because I know all too soon, I'll have to return to work. I have been carrying and caring for you for almost a year now. When I have to leave you, it will feel like severing a part of myself. It will hurt to watch your Dad give you your first bottle. Breastfeeding is a bond I have enjoyed. I probably will have an anxiety attack my first day of work. Will your caregiver understand your cries? Will they hold you when you need love? Will they leave you in a dirty diaper? Will they forgive you when you act like satan? I know my own mom probably had the same fears. For now, I'll hold on tightly to you and enjoy our moments. Three generations- Mom, Chloe and I.
Your one month birthday is tomorrow. We are so blessed to have you in our lives. One of the tenets of your Mother and I's relationship is honesty. So I was compelled to include some unflattering pictures of you to show how you sometimes react to things. In the past month your personality has started to emerge. You grow bored of things fast, you don't like to sleep like Daddy unless the conditions are perfect. You get so mad when you don't get what you want right then, and your crying can be quite tenacious. Sometimes whenI hold you , you look around at things and study them. You like my black and white NY hat, you give me the strangest stares whenever I hold you and don't wear it. When you smile at me, my heart melts. I have gotten to actually like changing your diaper, whenever you lay on the changing table I talk to you like you might actually understand me. I always look forward to coming home from work, then I get to hold you and talk to your Mom and talk about our day. I think you act differently towards your mother, and you can distinguish which parent can supply which need. You sometimes scream your little head off, and I wish you could talk and share whatever it is that ails you. Last week you were hoarse for a day and a half because you had screamed for two days straight whenever you were awake. Sometimes I feel bad, because I know your Mom is with you 24 hours a day and I get a break from parenting by going to work. I try to help care for you whenever I am home, holding you and spending time with you has replaced my daily PS2 marathons. Every day you are getting bigger, time seems to have gone by so fast. It seems like just a week ago we were driving home in Mrs. Ciel's truck bringing you home for the very first time. It was like starring in our very own "Bringing Home Baby" episode. When you get old enough to read this with understanding know that we have loved you from the start. Your Mom works really hard for you and has totally and completely dedicated herself and ALL of her time to caring for you. The months and years ahead and just the thought of raising you brings tears to my eyes. You, your Mom and I are going to have so much fun. I love you Chloe Jade Rivera :)
Being a father is such a wonderful experience. Even when you cry and scream like there is no tomorrow it only encourages me that much more to cure whatever is ailing you. There was one thing I never really thought of when you were gestating inside the womb, and that is becoming a professional juggler. You and your Mom mean the world to me, but it is a very delicate balancing act to make sure that I treat my two Princesses the way they deserve. At night when I get off from work, holding you in my arms puts my mind at ease. You always seem to pre-poop when I hold you, and then just as soon as we get settled back into our comfy loveseat you really let it loose and it's back to the changing station again. I would change you a million times over if I could, even though sometimes when you are kicking your legs and flailing your arms you remind of a turtle that has rolled onto it's shell. You remind me alot of your mother and myself, already I can see the both of us in your budding personality. You should feel special, more conversations began by me or others are about you and your wonderful mother.
Chloe I know that as you grow I am going to miss your helpfulness, I secretly pray that you will always cling to me the way you did when I first let you wrap your little fingers around mine when you were in the hospital. At night your coo's and sleeping noises make for a peaceful night's sleep. I love you Chloe Jade, and even though the induced labor was not the most pleasant experience I feel closer to your Mother than I ever thought possible. We are so blessed, there is nothing in the world like being a family. One of my favorite songs by Eminem says "I'm trying to give you the life I never had". You and your mother have already done that for me.
These Chuck's are Chloe's Easter shoes I found on Ebay.
She didn't like me trying to put them on and taking pictures of her in the sunlight. She started crying. Well, I can't get a decent picture of a wailing baby sporting new Chucks! So I found her the original pacifier, her very first one- from hospital. It had been in a jacket that I lent to a friend when she stopped by a week ago. Chloe normally doesn't like pacifiers but she obviously enjoyed this missing one. She kept holding her hand over it when I tried taking it out of her mouth for a photograph.
It has been a much easier week. I'm not having the baby blues anymore so I am pulling out of the waah-waahing contest, you win. My nipples have adjusted to the daily suckage so I don't feel like you have jaws of steel when you latch on. I can carefully wipe with toliet paper after I use the restroom and it takes me less than 60 seconds to get up and sit down. What more could a new mom ask for?
It's been an easy adjustment because you really are a good baby. The first week was hard because your Dad was still sore from his car accident, then he had to run all the errands and pay the bills because we'd been in the hospital for several days. I felt really scared and alone when he had to go back to work. We did fine though and most of our hours are spent on the futon doing this:
It can be hard because I'm breastfeeding. Some days, I feel lucky to get a shower. Like on this day, your Dad took this picture before I could even brush my hair after my shower. Life is lived in segments now. Shower, tend to you, lotion my body, tend to you, brush my teeth, tend to you, brush my hair, tend to you. If I attempt to fix dinner, it's prepared the same way.
Your Dad was feeling a little left out since I'm your personal pacifier. Dad felt like he couldn't comfort you when you were crying and hungry. He's great about changing your diaper. He'll change you and five minutes later you blow it up again. He doesn't complain, he just carries you back into the nursery for another round. We've found that Dad's your dose Tylenol PM. After I feed you, he'll burp you and you'll pass out in his arms. Every night, you and your Dad will fall asleep together with his arm protectively wrapped around you. I'll wake you and feed you again before we go to bed and you're always toasty because you were wrapped up in his arms. I love your Dad even more when I watch you two sleep.
We finally left the house last night and went to my Dad's for dinner. We left around 8:30pm and it was dark driving out of the country club compound. We were only going about 15mph when I remembered I needed to warn your Dad about the speed bumps ahead. I couldn't get the words out fast enough and before I knew it, it felt like we were popping wheelies over the speed bumps. I heard you in the back after we jumped the bump let out a "huuuuhh" like someone pushed you off the swing set. That was the only peep you made the entire way home. Your Dad and I laughed loudly and that didn't even cause you to stir.
When we got off the highway, your Dad abruptly pulled over. I thought he'd missed the shortcut my dad had told him about to take home. Then, I saw a car whip around us and your Dad yelled, "HEY!". I looked over at him and he was furious. "That car was tailgating too close, they could have hit us with Chloe in the car!" We get back on the road and the car that was tailgating pulls over at the turn we make to go home. Your Dad pulls up next to them. Inside, were five teenage punks probably drunk or high. Your Dad rolls down the window and tells them they were driving irresponsibly, "There is a newborn baby in this car!" The thugs in the back seat tell us to f*ck off and start to exit the car. I tell Jerry to "Go, GO!". Chloe, your Dad loves you so much, he'd take on a posse of teenage punks for you.
The first thought that ran through my mind was, "what if these jerks have a gun"? The second thought was, "I feel so old". We are now parents lecturing children on their driving abilities. Then, I thought about how protective your Dad is when it comes to you. I thought how he'll probably go bonkers when you start dating. I'll need to rob the pharmacy for Valium. The song, "Crazy On You" was running through my head.
I don't blame Dad for being so defensive about driving. He was in a horrible accident a week before you were born. It's a miracle he was able to walk away from the scene. He'd just dropped me off at work. If I ever believed in a higher power, it was the day of the accident. If I'd been in the car, pregnant with you, I have no doubt we wouldn't have survived. I don't know how I'd spiritually survive if your Dad was critically injured right before your birth. Someone was looking out for us.
You've changed my life, Chloe. I now know the meaning of selfless, you come first. I no longer shop on Ebay for myself. The last two days, I've been searching for an Easter outfit for you. I can't wait to dye eggs, fill baskets, hide candy and dress you up every Easter. Oh, the adventures and fun we will have, my little fuzzy bunny.
I have been your Dad for one week and two days. so far my on the job approval rating is like that of our current president. It's hard, because I can't supply your food and you require your mother a great deal more right now in order to grow. I took right to changing diapers, I am "trying" to quit smoking. Every time I smoke outside I wash my hands and face when I come back in so I can be near you. But so much had to be done in the last week. I feel like I barely get to do the thing I want to do most and almost lost the chance to do. And that would of course be being your Father and Michelle's companion. When you want to be, you are an angel. You don't like to be touched while you are sleeping. The running joke in the house between your mother and I for months has been about that characteristic in me. "Get off me" is what I'll say when she is trying to love on me while I am sleeping. And when I kiss you when sleeping, you frown and I can imagine you thinking the same. Life has changed a whole lot since your Mom and I joined paths. When we met, we lived in a one bedroom apartment with bare walls and spent our time talking, listening to music and absorbing each others lives. Now I pull into a three acre yard after my shift is over, walk up our sidewalk and go into our beautiful home where my two princesses lay soundly asleep. We are so blessed to have you Chloe, you are the icing on our newly baked cake.
Dear Chloe, Sometimes when I look at you, it's hard to believe just a week ago, you were stuffed inside of me. You must be pretzel girl because you were so big to be contorted inside my belly. I'm still in shock when I look at your perfect little body and realize we created you. I play with your ten tiny toes and fingers when I hold you in my lap, you have long digits like me. I think you look more like your Dad right now, your face is more round like his than long like mine. I don't know what color your eyes will be yet, they still have that newborn blue color.
I sometimes doubted my ability to love and my mothering skills when I was pregnant. For 31 years, I was independent and free. I was afraid I would feel resentful of another being completely depending on me. I love you more in one week than I have loved in a lifetime. I remember hearing other kids cry and I would get so annoyed. "Would someone please shut that kid up!" It's different with you, it hurts to hear you cry. Thank God you are such a good baby, you only cry when you need something. When you cry, I have a maternal instinct to rush to your side and help you. I will hold my pee if you start crying so I can comfort you. I don't follow the philosphy of "let babies cry, it's good for them". I know you are trying to tell me something and it's my duty to figure out what.
You aren't a fan of feeling clean. You get so angry when we bathe you, I almost hate to do it. You open your mouth wide and let out such loud wails that it shocks me you are capable of making such noise. The other night, your Dad helped me bathe you and held you over a bowl while I washed your hair. You were so upset, your entire body got red because you cried so hard. I guess you were trying to send a message when you proceeded to poop on your Dad's jeans while I was rinsing shampoo out your hair. Better him than me, you made me laugh hard.
You are easy to breast feed. The first two days were tough because my milk hadn't come in and you were hungry. You'd want to nurse almost constantly, sucking with no success. Hey, I'd be pissed too if somebody gave me a empty Diet Pepsi can with a straw. Now, that my milk is in, I'm shocked to finally have boobs. Before I was just nips. You are funny when when you are hungry. You do this head bobbing action that reminds me of a chicken pecking the ground. When you are put to my breast, you make all sorts of noises. Some are grunts like a pig and some sound like a tiger feasting on a gazelle. When you finally latch on you make coo's of contentment like you are getting a swedish massage at the Ritz. Sometimes, you are so excited to feed, you furiously root around and get mad because my nipple isn't magically in your mouth. This usually happens after I have showered. You don't like clean nips. You will taste them and make a disgusted face. You have to keep taste testing until you slobbered them up enough that they smell like you again.
I started to have some of the baby blues which I guess is normal. Sometimes, I just want to cry. One day it's because I feel lonely. Mostly it's because I'm struggling with my body image. I think I'll never feel sexy again. When I undress and get into the shower, I have cried on a few occasions. I know I can't expect to be back to my prepregnancy size in a week but it still shocks me when I see a belly that looks three months pregnant. The worse part is the healing of my va-jay-jay. Everytime I go to the bathroom, I have to use a squirt bottle because it's too painful to wipe. I'm scared to look because I'm afraid I'll never be normal again. It's like I'm damaged goods, a can of green beans that's been dropped too hard that bears a huge dent. Then, I feel guilty for having these feelings because I got what I have always wished for; a happy and healthy baby.
Your grandma, my mom came over last night and brought us Thai food, my favorite! She spent the night with us. She listened and patted my back while I cried about my insecurities. That's all I needed to feel better, to feel loved and understood. She held you while I sat in a salt bath which I cut short because I heard you crying. When I got out, I starting talking to you. "I'll be right there, Chloe!", I called out from the bathroom. Mom said you calmed down and turned your head listening for my voice. It makes me feel like an Oscar trophy knowing I can comfort you by just the sound of my voice. Grandma, you and I all cuddled in the bed together and watched the movie "Big". I fed you one last time before I turned off the TV. My mom gave me a hug goodnight and said, "I love you honey. I'm so proud of you for being such a good, attentive mother." It meant the world to me. All those bad feeling I'd been having about myself were erased. Maybe I won't be the ripped, triathlete that had a tight ass in spandex shorts and just nips in jog bra but it's not so important anymore. You are my number one priority now. One day, my baby snail, I hope to hold and comfort you after you give birth to your child and tell you what a great mama you are too.
I have cabin fever. I can't drive for two weeks. The doctor said I shouldn't take Chloe out in public for 28 days because it's flu season. I felt pretty good this morning. Chloe really is a good baby because she allows me sleep! She seems to cluster feed. Eating almost constantly from 3-8pm. It's odd because this is when I'd eat when I was pregnant because I was too busy to eat at work. I'll feed her again around 11pm and she usually will sleep for five hours at night, wake around 4am, feed again and sleep until 8am.
I cleaned and vacuumed the house since I was feeling better. Then, I broke out Chloe's stroller and went for a three mile walk until it started to rain. By the time I ate lunch, I was in pain and real tired. I guess I over did it today. So, I decided to take a Motrin and take some pictures of Chloe. Jerry bought me a dozen roses today too!
Friday of last week we had quite a scare. Michelle had decided to goto work one last time and say goodbye to all the customers who had been so kind to her. I dropped in to check on her and she was very flushed. I asked her if she wanted to go home and she said no, so I went back to running errands and waited for her to get off work. I recieved a text saying that she was on her way to the doctor. I was on my home to pack the truck for the trip to the hospital and had to turn around. The ob-gyn sent her to the hospital and I met her there. We had to register, and then go to the 2nd floor. I thought, this is it, here comes Chloe. So they make Michelle change into a hospital gown and hook up a fetal monitor and blood pressure cuff. Her blood pressure went back to mormal, but we waited forever for her labs to be read so we could go home. the doctor wanted to induce but we were insistent on Chloe coming out on her own time, not theirs. So Michelle and I went to Golden Corral and then home. Sunday night Michelle looked flushed again so I asked her to go the Doctor first thing in the morning because it was best for her and Chloe. We had done such a good job of making sure that Chloe and the pregnancy were well takne care of and there was no reason to stop now. I know she was scared, I honestly began to think that she was trying to have Chloe at the house instead of the hospital. The next morning she went to the doctor. I met her in the parking lot and she told me we were going to have to let them indue labor and needed to be at the hospital at 8:00pm that night. My heart was pounding. So we spent what I thought was going to be our last day alone, and went to Ruby Tuesday's on a date as our "last meal". We were ten minutes late getting to the hospital. I had no idea how insignificant that amount of time would become after the next several days. Once we were in the room it was the normal routine. Lose the clothes, get into bed. The nurse came in the room and inserted the Cervadil, it was the closest I ever came to decking a woman. I have seen at least eight different sets of hands on ichelle's vagina in the last ten months and this lady was really rough and hurtful. I wantd to cry as michelle contracted through the night, there was nothing I could do to help her. The next morning bright and early the Pitocin started. And so did the contractions. Michelle held onto the bed rail and whimpered. I had to be strong and not cry, but inside my heart was breaking. Ten minutes before they were supposed to stop the Pitocin for the day Michelle's contractions began to look like mountains on the monintor. I went to her side and held her hand, and stroked her beautiful hair. when the Pitocin stopped so did the contactions, but when Michelle went to the bathroom there was blood. Progress,and now I knew what had to be done. I had been so stupid, we had to work together like we always had to make this work. So the next morning at 6 sharp the pitocin started again. Michelle went to pee and guess what. Her mucus plug came out. My heart started to race. Chloe was getting closer. Peg, the most excellent mid-wife in the entire world came in and checked Michelle. She said "why don't we break your water, do an epidural and get things moving along'. Even though I knew it wasn't going to be fun for Michelle, The thought of holding Chloe just kept racing inside my head. So Peg used an instrument to break her water and then the anesthesiologhist came in. Michelle was rolled towards me and I know the look on my face had to bely the feelings of angst and compassion. After ten minutes Michelle was a whole new woman. And now more forward progress was to come, because without Michelle tensing up the contractions were making much more progress. Peg came in to check and told us she was 90% effaced and dilated to 9mm. She had Michelle sit up for 20 minutes to see of Chloe would rotate because her head was facing up not down. Those twenty minutes stretched on forever. Twenty five minutes later peg and another hurse entered the room. One lady was on her right side and I was on her left. Every time she pushed I held her leg by her foot and put my hand behind the nape of her neck and told her what a great job she was doing. An hour and fifteen minutes into it Chloe was as far as she could go on her on and Michelle had to be cut. I looked after it was done, and watched fifteen minutes later when chloe popped out of her like a jack in the box. After all the heart-ache that we had endured over the last couple of days, all was erased when I saw Chloe for the first time. Her head was bent from the pushing, but she was the most beautiful little girl in the whole world. I rememeber kissing Michelle and telling her, I even slipped her a little tongue. There was my beautiful companion, and lying on her stomach was the product of a love that was meant to be from the beginning of time. Chloe's head has already went to a normal shape, and now we spend our days changing diapers, talking about the good ole' days and how much we have been blessed. Michelle and Chloe are all I ever could have dreamed of, I have tears in my eyes thinking of the joyuous journey that lies ahead for the three of us!
Right now in front of me on the trusty old futon are my two pretty ladies. They are both so beautiful. Alot has happened since we were able to update, many amazing things. So let me begin. On Monday 02-18-08 I took Michelle to work and dropped her off. On the way home I was struck during a routine turn by a work truck doing 75-80 miles an hour. Michelle's car was destroyed, glass and car parts littered the intersection. In shock I got out of the car, went and asked the other people who hit me if they were ok and lit up a cigarette. I looked back and the car was still running and I went and truned it off. I remember thinking and saying out loud over and over, "what are we going to do?". Chloe is due any day now and now we have no transportation. It wasn't until I touched my forehead and drew back a handprint of blood that I realized I was hurt. And then the shock wore off and I inched closer to the car to look at it. The passengers doors were touching my seat and the steering wheel was bent flat. No windows surivived the impact save the front windshield, and the front bumper was knocked off the car. I started to feel weak and leaned up against a light pole. I called my Mom and asked her to meet me at the hospital. My wrist felt like it had been broke and my ribs and collarbone were killing me. I had a black eye, glass was in my hair, cuts were all over face and tears wee rolling down my cheeks. I thought all hope was lost, but at least I had lived. The next day Michelle's mom bailed us out. She took her to Fred Anderson Toyota and bought her a Subaru Legacy station wagon. Her ex-mother in-law had loaned us a truck, but we never drove it, I was not getting back into another vehicle. After her Mom dropped her off I asked her to take me to the store in her new car so I could listen to how it ran and see if there were any concerns. She took me, and the car rode beautifully. While in the store I bought a lottery ticket. So Wednesday Michelle goes to work and I scratch off the ticket. Two rows into the numbers I get a match. So I scratch further and see that I have won $50,000. I called Michelle's work and left her a message to call home that it was an emergency. When she called I told her and she said I don't have time for this. I told her I was on my way to Raleigh and would see her when I got home. The keys to the loaned truck were in the house, so I quickly got ready and left. "We're saved "just kept running through my head. I trully believe that the week leading up to Chloe's birth all happened for a reason. While being out of work I got to spend a lot of time with Michelle and realize how close I came to losing everything in the world that was important to me. Even though Chloe wasn't here yet I loved her and couldn't bear the thought of not seeing her grow. And Michelle has been my fatihful companion, I was always meant to be by her side. And that's where you come in Chloe, you are a blessing sent because of our true love for one another. You two are all I ever dreamed of, I feel complete.
“We wouldn't ask why a rose that grew from the concrete for having damaged petals. In turn, we would all celebrate its tenacity, we would all love its will to reach the sun. Well, we are the roses, this is the concrete and these are my damaged petals. Don't ask me why, thank god, and ask me how.” -Tupac
When Jerry and I first started dating, we would text quotes and poems to each other every night after I got off of work at the steak house. I would grab a glass of red wine and look up quotes to send to him. One of his favorite artists is Tupac. While I thought Tupac was nothing but a thug, I found some interesting quotes and poems he created. Jerry was very impressed when I sent him the quote above because he knew I wasn't into rap. The rose has become a theme in our relationship ever since. I'm his rose and he'll buy cards with roses, candy roses, a rose painting for my birthday. This little story does tie in to Chloe's birth story.
On Friday, the 22nd, I got ready for work at 4:30am as usual. I was 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Around 7am, I thought I was having contractions. My co-worker, "the ole gray mare", was enthusically timing them for me. They were sporadic and looking back, I was having false labor. By 10am, I started to feel funny. I was short of breath, my face felt hot, I was dizzy and my vision would get blurry. Around noon, people started to tell me I looked really red, my face, hands and chest. The manager told me I should go and get my blood pressure checked. I left work and drove to the doctor's office.
When I arrived, they took my blood pressure and the nurse wouldn't tell me the reading. She just sent me back to an examining room to see the doctor. When the doctor came in, he checked me, I hadn't dialated but had effaced about 50%. The major concern was my blood pressure, the reading was 140/102. He instructed me to go to labor and delivery at the hospital. They were going do some blood work to see if I was showing signs of pre-eclampsia.
When I got to labor and delivery, they put me in a room and wrapped two belts around my belly. One to monitor contractions and one to monitor Chloe's heart rate. My blood pressure still wasn't good. They did blood work and it came back normal. I had to lay on my left side for a few hours and my blood pressure dropped back to normal. The doctor came in and told me they wanted to keep me in the hospital and induce me that night. I didn't want that to be done. I wanted Chloe to decide when she was ready to come into the world. I refused the induction with the promise that I'd quit working, go home and rest as much as possible and return on Monday to have my blood pressure re-evaluated.
Over the weekend, I was still having mini contractions. Jerry was ready for Chloe to come. He had talked with people about natural ways to induce labor. A co-worker told him to have me eat spicy food and make love. His grandma told him to make me drink castor oil. A friend told him to make me go on a long walk. So on Saturday, we ate spicy mexican, bought a bottle of castor oil, went for a 2 1/2 mile walk and made love. I decided not to drink the entire bottle of castor oil that night. The primary reason was because it tasted like melted chapstick. I only got down two tablespoons. The bottle said, "may produce bowel movement in 3-6 hours". Within an hour, I was having severe cramping. I thought maybe I was finally in labor but unfortunately it turned into five hours of explosive diahrrea. Hot and spicy mexican food that burned my butt. The next morning, I was still going but nothing was left but intestinal lining. Thank god I only drank two tablespoons and not the entire bottle.
On Monday morning, I went back to have my blood pressure checked. Again, it was high even though I rested Sunday. My midwife, Peg, came in and told me it was time. My body had enough of pregnancy and my blood pressure could affect not only me but Chloe. I didn't have a choice anymore. I had to be back at the hospital at 8pm for induction. I asked what would happen. On Monday night, they would insert a strip of Cervadil next to my cervix to ripen my and finish effacement and on Tuesday morning they would start a drip of Pitocin to start contrations and hopefully dialate my cervix. She asked me about pain medication and I told her I was trying to have a natural childbirth. She warned me that Pitocin would start intense contractions that were close together. It wouldn't be a like a natural labor that built up slowly, Pitocin created contractions like hit you like a train wreck. I dismissed her and told her I thought I could handle the pain. I was more worried about what I would eat for my last meal before going to the hospital.
I called Jerry in tears after I left the office. I was scared and disappointed. This wasn't going the way I had imagined. I thought I would get to nudge him awake in the middle of the night, "honey it's time to go to the hospital." I was worried Chloe wasn't ready, everyone kept telling me I was small. What if Chloe wasn't fully developed? Jerry was more excited than I, knowing Chloe would be out soon. He was ready to pack the truck, he'd had the bags by the door for over a week. I decided to take a bath and shave one last time before we headed to Ruby Tuesday's for dinner. I ate a big dinner, mozzarella and tomato salad, artichoke and mushroom chicken breast and smashed cauilflower. I held and patted my belly all dinner, I was going to miss carrying Chloe. I enjoyed my pregnancy, I didn't mind my big, round tummy. I loved to feel her punch and kick.
When we arrived at the hospital, we carried all the bags to the room. I got into my gown and got into the bed. The nurse strapped the monitors on my belly again. Then, she inserted the Cervadil which was very uncomfortable. She also gave me a sleeping pill because she said I needed a good night's sleep for all the work that would lie ahead the next morning. I was scared to take it because I only took Tylenol twice during my pregancy. I thought the sleeping pill would knock me out for days. Within an hour, I started to have real contractions. If I thought I was I was having them before, I was sorely mistaken. The tightening of my belly days before was like tip toeing through the tulips as opposed to running a marathon. By two in the morning, I was in tears. I could watch the monitor and see the contractions starting. Jerry was sleeping in a chair next to me with his feet propped up on the bed. I tried to wake him, "Honey, wake up. I need help." He dismissed my plea and in a painful state of rage, I kicked his feet off the bed into the floor. My rude awakening didn't sit well with him, I was starting to feel like horns were sprouting from my head. When the nurse returned at 3am, I told her I wanted the Cervadil strip removed. She said she had to check me first. As she did another exam, I felt like I was a cat with sharp claws that wanted to hang from the ceiling. I hadn't made much progress. My cervix had effaced to 90% but I was only 1cm dialated. I wanted to scream, all those contractions were in vain. She told me she'd be back at 6am to start the Pitocin. The sleeping pill never provided any rest. I watched the clock, neverously waiting the 6am drip.
By this time, the Pitocin had started intense contractions every three minutes. They looked like the French Alps on the graph. They came to a sharp peak that made me feel like I was going to break in to pieces. My stomach and back felt like a boa constrictor was squeezing me to death. My best friend was my bed rail. I would lie on my side and hold the rail for dear life with each wave. I couldn't talk, I could just huff and puff. I tried to focus on my breathing but eventually, my huff and puff would be interrupted with painful cries.
Every hour, the drip was increased which caused harder contractions closer together. The nurse or midwife Peg would check me periodically. At one pm, Peg said I had only dilated to 2cm but was almost completely effaced. I was so disappointed, the disappointment combined with the pain caused to me break down. Peg sat down and had a chat with me while I was bawling. "Why don't you want any pain medication, Michelle? If you were more relaxed you may dilate more effectively. I can give you something that will take the edge off the contractions. You know, I don't award any medals during childbirth. If you agree to medication, you don't lose." I was trying so hard to be strong and brave. I was also getting aggitated. Jerry was having a hard time dealing with seeing me in such pain. After talking with him, I agreed to take a dose of Stadol.
After the nurse pushed the Stadol through my IV, Stadol was my new best friend. If I had a beer and cigarette, I would have called in all my pals for a party. I started talking and smiling again. I even wanted some Diet Pepsi which I spilled all over myself like a sloppy drunk. I could make trips to the bathroom pain free. Life was good again. I could still feel the contractions and had to breathe through them but I could deal with them without wanting to bite someone's head off.
I was checked again and I hadn't made anymore progress. The Stadol was still working and it prevented me from having a meltdown. They were going to stop the Pitocin and let me rest and have some dinner. They wouldn't let me eat anything all day. The next morning, the drip would be started again. I felt defeated. I felt scared for Chloe, maybe she wasn't ready and we were forcing her out.
My friends from work came, "the ole gray mare" nicknamed me "snail" when I started to show and waddle from table to table. She even bought me snail socks. One day at work I ate some noodles and was was extra preppy. Then, noodles were called snail juice. The ole gray mare said Chloe took after her Mama and was being a baby snail coming out. Terri bought me some Chix Filet for dinner. They brightened my spirits after a hard and dissapointing day.
I was given an Ambien sleeping pill again after dinner but no Cervadil(thank god). I actually slept that night. When I woke up, Jerry had a present for me. A card and a rose coin. The rose coin had the verse about love is patient, love is kind on the back. I knew he was struggling with me, scared for Chloe, frustrated that my labor was taking so long. His little tokens gave me the strength to get through the next day. I would look at them on my rolling table knowing I wasn't enduring this rite of passage alone.
Early on Wednesday morning, the Pitocin drip was started again. This time, the contractions were almost immediate. They were less than two minutes apart and peaked off the charts. They didn't have to increase the dose as quickly to bring on stronger, faster contractions. By 9am, I was ready to rip the railings off the bed. With each contraction, I was a sobbing mess. All Jerry could do was sit by me and hold my hand. I called the nurse at 9:30, blubbering that I couldn't handle anymore. I was out of control. Peg was called and she said she'd be by in 10 minutes to check me. It was the longest ten mintues of my life. When Peg checked me, I had made faster progress in three hours than in the last two days, I was 4cm. Peg said she'd break my water to speed things up and then call for an epidural. I don't even remember my water being broken because the contractions were so intense.
The man came into the room instructing me to curl up on my side and to be really still while he inserted the needle in my back. At this point, I didn't care if he stuck a needle in my eye if it provided some pain relief. Jerry had a worried look on his face when he saw the needle and watch it go into my spine. I had to fight back my racking sobs as the contractions came while he inserted the needle. Peg kept talking to me, and holding me in position. When it was over, and the medication was working, I thought I had gone to heaven. I felt no pain, even though the contractions were the strongest I had seen. If I had a medal, I would have given it to the epi. man.
If you would have told me a week ago, that I would have five ladies examine my vagina twenty five times in two days, I would have told you when pigs fly. People would tell me horror stories about how giving birth would ruin my relationship with Jerry. "If you let him watch, he'll never want you again". Or, "having a vaginal birth will destroy your vagina forver". I got to the point of not caring, I had no modesty. After the epidural, I had to get a cathedar because I had no more feeling in legs to go to the bathroom. I felt like a frog that was hit by a semi truck, having my legs spread apart with no control. I didn't care as Jerry watched as the bag filled up with my urine. Two nurses came rushing in the room shortly after my water had broke. Chloe was having distress after every contraction. They thought her cord was being squeezed, cutting of blood flow. She wanted her swimming pool back. They made a decision to insert a tube into my uterus and refill it with saline. Now, I had a tube in my vagina, a tube in my urethra, all I needed was a tube in my butt to be a Frankstein experiment.
The saline pool helped Chloe handle the contractions again. When Peg checked me at 3pm and to my amazement, I was fully dialated. She said she thought Chloe was face up, making a more difficult exit. She wanted me to sit up for awhile to see if she'd turn. She also told me Chloe would have a pointed head but not to worry, it would round out within a few days.
By 4pm, I started to push. We'd wait for a contraction and I'd curl up into a C, pull my legs back and push until I couln't breathe or I thought my head would explode. Jerry was on one side, holding a leg a nurse on the other and Peg in the middle. I thought that I wouldn't want to look but when Jerry was so excited to see her hair, I decided I wanted a mirror. I pushed with all my might but Chloe wasn't making much progress. Peg kept getting out lube to try to slide Chloe out, enough lube to supply a porn star marathon but she wouldn't budge. Jerry kept encouraging me but after an hour of pushing, Peg said she needed to give me an episotomy. I was scared and asked for the mirror to be removed. By the look on Jerry's face, I'm glad I didn't see, he looked scared but he still watched as his daughter came into the world.
After five or six more pushes, Chloe was born at 5:09pm, Feb 27th. It was the most amazing moment in my life. This is the best picture I have ever had taken. First, it reminds me how much Jerry loves me. Not only was his hand on his daughter but he is cradling me too.
Poor Chloe did have a cone head, it's much better now. I can't imagine the headache she had.
We have been blessed. Chloe made it through a difficult labor with flying colors, she scored two nines on her apgar test. The most shocking was her size, Chloe weighed in at 8 pounds 2 ounces and was 21 inches long. Five minutes after delivery, she was nursing like a baby goat.
It took awhile for me to be stitched up. Today, I'm still in a lot of pain, trying to sit down or everytime I go to the bathroom. I'm still afriad to look at myself. Maybe I'll never be the same physically. It doesn't matter that I'm a rose with damaged petals because I have two people in this world that love me unconditionally. They are my family, something I thought I may never have. I couldn't imagine sharing this journey with anyone else.
