Over the past few weeks I have had a lot of time to think about you and the changes that come with adding an addition to our family. One of the most fun things I look forward to may seem childish, but I think it's worth sharing. Getting to experience your childhood, seeing the wonder and amazement in your eyes at things we as parents have long since grown out of is going to be, for lack of a better word, fun. I can't wait to play with you, and yes play with your toys. Now I am not talking about sucking your pacifier or chewing on your teething ring when you aren't using them. I can't wait to see you laugh and giggle and smile at the little things. I probably will be a nuisance to your Mom in the toy section of any retail store, sometimes I can't resist touching the toys we pass in the aisles of stores now, just to hear the noise they make. It's a little known fact, but I seceretly have already amassed a great deal of experience playing with what would be considered girl's toys. Growing up it was just me and my younger sister and we had to find compromise in playtime in order to pass the time. I remember her first Easy-
Bake oven, and using soda caps from Pepsi bottles as Barbie toilets. In all fairness she also played with my G.I. Joe's and Transformer's, and the universally fun Lego's and Lincoln Logs. You coming into our lives brings back alot of fond memories, when the world seemed so big and the possibilities seemed so endless. I hope that we get to spend a great deal of time together.
On another note your Mom seems to be doing wonderful with being pregnant so far. She told me the other day that she plays games with you, that when you are in there kicking and punching around that she will tap back on her stomach and you will react. She is so beautiful, sometimes she shares her feelings about how she thinks that pregnancy makes her somehow unattractive. And that is so far from the truth. I think she is prettier now than she was before, and she was already a perfect ten in my eyes. I try to imagine what you are going to look like, which features from both of us you will inherit, but no matter what I know you are going to be beautiful. I'm sure later on in your life I will have a harder time dealing with that, especially when I have to learn to deal with you having a boyfriend, and dating, standing by the door waiting for you to get home. But for the next few years I won't let that worry me, I'm sure that your Mom's and my parenting will instill in you a good decision making process.
It seems like we have forever before I finally get to hold you, but time has really been flying by thus far. There isn't a day that goes by that you and your Mom aren't in my heart, thoughts, and prayers. A lot of poeple have told how much this experience will change me and my priorities. Normally, being a Taurus, I'm stubborn when it comes to change. I am very fond of routines. But I look forward to this change. To the joy it will bring to your Mom and to myself. Since the moment I met your Mother I have felt as thought I found that undescribable part of myself that was missing all these years. And between you and her I feel complete and on the right path. It might sound crazy but for three months before you were concieved your Mom and I already had picked out your first name and dreamed of you being a girl. The picture of the night light in the top left corner of this page is an item that has been on our kitchen table for some time now, we always said that whenever you came along that it would go in your nursery so the pertty colors could dance along your walls as you slept. I love you Chloe Jade, thank you for coming into our lives!
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Gratitude
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust
Less than a year ago, I walked away from my home, my animals, my business and at that time husband. It was the only way of life I had known for over ten years. It was a comfortable life. I never was hungry, I never was cold and I never desperately needed or wanted anything I didn't have. I wasn't truly happy though and as I look back now, I can see how my unhappiness affected others around me.
So, I drove away in a car with a few bags of clothes. It was the most difficult experience I've been through. Even now, I think about my dogs and goats on a daily basis. I was scared out of my mind. I had been self employed, making my goat's milk soap and running the farm. When I filled out job applications, I was embarrassed with my title, "Goat Farmer". I had no real work experience but I found two waitressing jobs. I felt alone. I felt like I had nothing. I didn't have much self esteem. I was close to rock bottom.
I started my jobs waitressing. It was harder than I thought. The first Sunday I worked at my current job, it was so busy and stressful by the end of my shift, I walked into the cooler and cried. I worked at a steakhouse at night but it wasn't as fast paced and the tables didn't turn over so quickly. I was pulling almost 70 hours a week. Slowly, I became more relaxed dealing with the public. For ten years, I pretty much dealt with animals only. They didn't talk back. In a way, I was scared of people and didn't trust them. I started to open up, I realized I could take care of myself and I became more confident.
Eventually, working 70 hours a week caught up to me. I was burnt out and I felt like my life consisted of work only. I made a decision to quit my night job. It was hard because the owners were always very good to me. They would always tell me what a good job I was doing. Every time a customer would compliment me the owners would come back and tell me how much it meant that I worked for them. This was exactly the things I needed to hear and it helped me grow. The day I put in my notice and told the wife, I cried. She hugged me and told me I how much I'd be missed and if I never needed work, I would be welcomed back. I sometimes still work for them when they cater of have banquets. Just a few weeks ago, the wife let me borrow a pair of her black pants so I could work a banquet for them. I shared my pregnancy news with them and the husband said, "Congratulations! Chloe will be lucky to be as half as beautiful as her Mama. If you ever need anything, I mean anything; let us know." His words made me want to cry.
I have settled into my day job and I love my customers. Sometimes, I am ashamed that at 30, I'm only a waitress. I think that this stems from coming from a family of over achievers. Everyone in my family went to college except me and I know this bothers my parents. In my heart, I don't feel like my mom is proud of me but I am proud of myself because I am making it on my own and in some small ways, I am making a difference in other peoples' lives. The things I do are simple things that make people smile. For example, an older couple comes in and they have a german shepard named "Jake". Jake is their son's dog, he's in Iraq. I always ask about Jake and bring a carry out container for their leftovers for Jake. There is a lady that always wants her coffee in a large to go cup, and she wants the freshest coffee from the back. There is a senior citizen that only wants a small, brown ceramic coffee cup, half full because her hand shakes. A man comes in every Sunday and wants banana pudding and decaf after his meal of turkey with no dressing or gravy and dry creamed potatoes. Because I remember these small details, it makes people feel special.
There are customers I will never forget. A couple that wants me to make their oatmeal fresh with a half a scoop of brown sugar. They always leave me little bookmarks with my tips. I have saved them all, Footprints in the Sand, Love is Patient, Psalms verses and so on. A few weeks ago, as I brought out their sweet tea in a to-go cup, she handed me some money. I glanced down and saw a $20.00 bill and said, "No, I can't take this. It's too much." She scolded me, "You don't just say no when someone wants to give you something. I want you to have this because it makes me feel good." I gave her a hug and wanted to cry. I did cry some on the way home and unfolded the $20.00 bill and realized it was two $20's.
There is a customer I used to see at the gym. When I stared my new life, I couldn't afford a gym membership anymore. The customer kept saying, "I miss seeing you at the gym, nobody can do the stairmaster like you." The other day after he left, sitting next to his coffee cup was a three month gym membership in my name. I got a lump in my throat again and teary eyed.
There is Bill. He's a diabetic. He always drinks diet coke or coffee with sweet and low. He wants two rolls with his meal. He orders a mini corn dog basket with extra ketcup to take to his son a work. Yesterday, after he left, I cleared his table and there was a note. "Buy something nice for yourself and buy something for the baby from me. Good things come to people who are very, very special." Inside was $60.00. I was in shock.
I want to cry not because I am sad but because I didn't believe that people were good and cared so much. I want to cry because these people that haven't known me for long are more concerned and giving than my own parents. I want to cry because sometimes I don't feel like I deserve their gifts and help. I want to cry because I don't know if "thank you" is enough.
I have used some of their generosity for Chloe. I have been waking up early on Saturday mornings and going to yard sales. I think people that put on yard sales are good and giving people too. They have to get out of bed early, set up all their stuff and they ask practically nothing for it. I have found baby clothes for 10 cents. This lot of clothes cost me a total of $2.50:
And I found her a baby crib that turns into a toddler bed. It's made of cherry wood and came with a waterproof mattress for the fantastic price of $30.00!
Everytime I dress Chloe and put her to bed, I will remember all the kind people that have helped us. I will make sure that one of Chloe's first words are "thank you".
"When you learn to live for others, they will live for you." ~Yogananda
Less than a year ago, I walked away from my home, my animals, my business and at that time husband. It was the only way of life I had known for over ten years. It was a comfortable life. I never was hungry, I never was cold and I never desperately needed or wanted anything I didn't have. I wasn't truly happy though and as I look back now, I can see how my unhappiness affected others around me.
So, I drove away in a car with a few bags of clothes. It was the most difficult experience I've been through. Even now, I think about my dogs and goats on a daily basis. I was scared out of my mind. I had been self employed, making my goat's milk soap and running the farm. When I filled out job applications, I was embarrassed with my title, "Goat Farmer". I had no real work experience but I found two waitressing jobs. I felt alone. I felt like I had nothing. I didn't have much self esteem. I was close to rock bottom.
I started my jobs waitressing. It was harder than I thought. The first Sunday I worked at my current job, it was so busy and stressful by the end of my shift, I walked into the cooler and cried. I worked at a steakhouse at night but it wasn't as fast paced and the tables didn't turn over so quickly. I was pulling almost 70 hours a week. Slowly, I became more relaxed dealing with the public. For ten years, I pretty much dealt with animals only. They didn't talk back. In a way, I was scared of people and didn't trust them. I started to open up, I realized I could take care of myself and I became more confident.
Eventually, working 70 hours a week caught up to me. I was burnt out and I felt like my life consisted of work only. I made a decision to quit my night job. It was hard because the owners were always very good to me. They would always tell me what a good job I was doing. Every time a customer would compliment me the owners would come back and tell me how much it meant that I worked for them. This was exactly the things I needed to hear and it helped me grow. The day I put in my notice and told the wife, I cried. She hugged me and told me I how much I'd be missed and if I never needed work, I would be welcomed back. I sometimes still work for them when they cater of have banquets. Just a few weeks ago, the wife let me borrow a pair of her black pants so I could work a banquet for them. I shared my pregnancy news with them and the husband said, "Congratulations! Chloe will be lucky to be as half as beautiful as her Mama. If you ever need anything, I mean anything; let us know." His words made me want to cry.
I have settled into my day job and I love my customers. Sometimes, I am ashamed that at 30, I'm only a waitress. I think that this stems from coming from a family of over achievers. Everyone in my family went to college except me and I know this bothers my parents. In my heart, I don't feel like my mom is proud of me but I am proud of myself because I am making it on my own and in some small ways, I am making a difference in other peoples' lives. The things I do are simple things that make people smile. For example, an older couple comes in and they have a german shepard named "Jake". Jake is their son's dog, he's in Iraq. I always ask about Jake and bring a carry out container for their leftovers for Jake. There is a lady that always wants her coffee in a large to go cup, and she wants the freshest coffee from the back. There is a senior citizen that only wants a small, brown ceramic coffee cup, half full because her hand shakes. A man comes in every Sunday and wants banana pudding and decaf after his meal of turkey with no dressing or gravy and dry creamed potatoes. Because I remember these small details, it makes people feel special.
There are customers I will never forget. A couple that wants me to make their oatmeal fresh with a half a scoop of brown sugar. They always leave me little bookmarks with my tips. I have saved them all, Footprints in the Sand, Love is Patient, Psalms verses and so on. A few weeks ago, as I brought out their sweet tea in a to-go cup, she handed me some money. I glanced down and saw a $20.00 bill and said, "No, I can't take this. It's too much." She scolded me, "You don't just say no when someone wants to give you something. I want you to have this because it makes me feel good." I gave her a hug and wanted to cry. I did cry some on the way home and unfolded the $20.00 bill and realized it was two $20's.
There is a customer I used to see at the gym. When I stared my new life, I couldn't afford a gym membership anymore. The customer kept saying, "I miss seeing you at the gym, nobody can do the stairmaster like you." The other day after he left, sitting next to his coffee cup was a three month gym membership in my name. I got a lump in my throat again and teary eyed.
There is Bill. He's a diabetic. He always drinks diet coke or coffee with sweet and low. He wants two rolls with his meal. He orders a mini corn dog basket with extra ketcup to take to his son a work. Yesterday, after he left, I cleared his table and there was a note. "Buy something nice for yourself and buy something for the baby from me. Good things come to people who are very, very special." Inside was $60.00. I was in shock.
I want to cry not because I am sad but because I didn't believe that people were good and cared so much. I want to cry because these people that haven't known me for long are more concerned and giving than my own parents. I want to cry because sometimes I don't feel like I deserve their gifts and help. I want to cry because I don't know if "thank you" is enough.
I have used some of their generosity for Chloe. I have been waking up early on Saturday mornings and going to yard sales. I think people that put on yard sales are good and giving people too. They have to get out of bed early, set up all their stuff and they ask practically nothing for it. I have found baby clothes for 10 cents. This lot of clothes cost me a total of $2.50:
And I found her a baby crib that turns into a toddler bed. It's made of cherry wood and came with a waterproof mattress for the fantastic price of $30.00!
Everytime I dress Chloe and put her to bed, I will remember all the kind people that have helped us. I will make sure that one of Chloe's first words are "thank you".
"When you learn to live for others, they will live for you." ~Yogananda
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Half Way Point
I can't believe I am already 20 weeks along. Time seems to be going by quickly. This week, I have started to have a difficult time doing a sit up when I'm lying down. I used to be the queen of ab work. I could to 100's of crunches without a burn. Pikes on the ab ball was the only thing that was challenging. Now, a simple crunch is difficult. I kinda have to roll to one side then get up. I was on my hands and knees cleaning out the fridge today, going back and forth from the fridge to the sink to rinse my bleach rag. After about the eighth rinse, I struggled when getting off the floor. I decided to hold on to the condiment rack for assistance so I could pull myself up off the floor. As I hoisted myself up, I pulled the rack off the door! I felt like PregZilla, ripping off the fridge door.
I don't understand why I don't see men with big beer guts "rolling" out of bed or struggling to get off the floor. What is this pregnant belly phenomenon? Do my ab muscles have rigor mortis now? Am I trying to protect Chloe on some unconscious level? By the time I'm 35 weeks pregnant, I'll probably have a life alert hanging around my neck so I can page Jerry when I get out of bed.
The weird dreams continue. The most bizarre dream of this week was about a orange, tabby kitten. I was having an ultrasound and the tech was concerned about how many vertebrae my baby had, "And these ears, they are so pointy. You are having a female kitten!" Everyone at work kept asking the sex of the baby but I was ashamed to tell them I was carrying a feline. At least it's a cute kitty, I kept telling myself, I could be carrying a something ugly like a lizard. I woke up expecting my belly to meow.
I can feel Chloe move daily now. She is most active at night, after I eat and lay down. Maybe she's happy she's been fed. Or maybe she feels cramped because my belly is as tight as an engorged tick after I eat. Jerry can really feel her punching and kicking now, it sometimes scares him. It is a surreal feeling to know a life is growing and moving inside of me. I remember how exciting it was for me to watch the dairy goats pregnancy and birth. I would hold my hands over their bellies and wait for a bump. I never thought I would have my hands resting on my belly and feel my own baby stirring. It's one of the greatest experiences I have ever had.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
It's a.........
Picture of us after the ultrasound...
It's a
We got a good profile shot. She has a big noggin', measuring in the 79 percentile.
She weighs 11oz and her heart rate was 149. She passed the Down's test. The doctor said she looked great. This picture looks kind of scary with her arms over her head. She's doing the "wave". I think she has a pretty mouth though! It looks like she's smiling.
They did a finger prick and I'm anemic, test came back at 10.5. I have been taking my prenatal vitamin everyday too! I went down three points since the last test was done. I was prescribed a huge horse pill iron supplement. I have been feeling tired but I thought this was just a normal part of pregnancy. Sometimes, people tell me I look pale. I have felt faint but I thought this was normal too. I guess these are all signs of anemia. The doctor said I should feel much better in about two weeks. It will take a month to build my iron stores back up.
Then, I got some bad news. I have placenta previa. My placenta is covering my cervix. Hopefully, as Chloe grows, my placenta will be pushed upward, away from my cervix. The doctor said not to stress out about it too much now, they will check again at 28 weeks. I can't help but worry though. The doctor asked if I've had any bleeding. I haven't, which is a good sign. If my placenta doesn't shift upwards, I will have to have a C-section. :(
All in all, I am very excited and happy. I'm so glad I finally saw my baby girl!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Feels Like Christmas
I'm so excited! Tomorrow is the big day. Probably the only time I'll want my baby to spread its legs. I even splurged and bought a turkey breast, kale and swiss chard for a celebration dinner tomorrow night.
I invited my mom to the ultrasound too. I will get some pictures with our new digital camera. Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep tonight. This is more exciting than getting to open my cabbage patch kid, Eugene Ernie!
I invited my mom to the ultrasound too. I will get some pictures with our new digital camera. Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep tonight. This is more exciting than getting to open my cabbage patch kid, Eugene Ernie!
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Kid Dynomite
You are growing so fast inside your Mom. We watched a program on TLC the other night about pregnancy and I have to admit it was a little un-nerving. It's been 30 years since I have been in a womb, I almost wish that when you come out we could have you write an essay on what it was like chilling in your Mother's uterus 24/7. Next Thursday we are having another ultrasound, so when you hear the sound of the amoniotic tornado it's just your parents and mid-wife Rita trying to determine your sex. So try not to be coy and have your hands covering your privates, the suspense is killing me.
On another note maybe I should tell you how life is changing. More and more my thoughts are seemingly scattered. I'm not scared to be a Dad, to me that is an honor. You are a blessing, just as important to me as the blessing of your Mother's love and companionship. But these days I think about things that I had long since forgotten, and life has taken on a new dimension since I realize that whatever plans I try to make for the future not only include your Mother but also you. In the beginning of our relationship, I had no idea where this love with your Mom would lead. We had both been pretty banged up by life in different ways, but in time I began to see that it could be to our advantadge. We are there for one another, just like we will be there for you. No matter what. The depths of our love for each other are un-ending, and our love and commitment to you will be even greater. I see kids in movies and cry now, because I wish with all my heart, boy or girl, that you will have that special kind of bond with me. Maybe we will have our own way of talking that no one outside of our house will understand. And all this is such a big change from just a year ago, when honestly I had lost my faith in true love and had given up my dreams of ever having a family to call my own.
So it's 6 months until we meet little one. A little trick I learned from my neice: there's a stuffed animal that will be in your crib, I sleep with it every night so that my smell will be embedded in it until you get it so dirty we will have to wash it. This might not be very "manly", but I am jealous of your Mother getting to carry you. You can't hear my voice as well as you can hear hers, you get to taste all the food she eats, and pretty much get to hang out with her all the time. When you get out here with the rest of us I am going to stick to you like glue!
I hope you come to realize just as I have what an amazing woman your Mother is. How deep her heart is, just how special she truly is. She is the first woman in my life to challenge me to be something more than what I was. Not to change me or mold me in her image, but to help me become a better person. I had a few relationship bad habits when we got together that have in a few months been undone, and that is something that no other person in 30 years had accomplished. That's one of the many reasons I know she will be a good Mother, she has been such an excellent companion to me.
And I don't think I have told you in any previous post, or even shared this with your Mother. I love you Baby, my deepest desire is to make you proud.
On another note maybe I should tell you how life is changing. More and more my thoughts are seemingly scattered. I'm not scared to be a Dad, to me that is an honor. You are a blessing, just as important to me as the blessing of your Mother's love and companionship. But these days I think about things that I had long since forgotten, and life has taken on a new dimension since I realize that whatever plans I try to make for the future not only include your Mother but also you. In the beginning of our relationship, I had no idea where this love with your Mom would lead. We had both been pretty banged up by life in different ways, but in time I began to see that it could be to our advantadge. We are there for one another, just like we will be there for you. No matter what. The depths of our love for each other are un-ending, and our love and commitment to you will be even greater. I see kids in movies and cry now, because I wish with all my heart, boy or girl, that you will have that special kind of bond with me. Maybe we will have our own way of talking that no one outside of our house will understand. And all this is such a big change from just a year ago, when honestly I had lost my faith in true love and had given up my dreams of ever having a family to call my own.
So it's 6 months until we meet little one. A little trick I learned from my neice: there's a stuffed animal that will be in your crib, I sleep with it every night so that my smell will be embedded in it until you get it so dirty we will have to wash it. This might not be very "manly", but I am jealous of your Mother getting to carry you. You can't hear my voice as well as you can hear hers, you get to taste all the food she eats, and pretty much get to hang out with her all the time. When you get out here with the rest of us I am going to stick to you like glue!
I hope you come to realize just as I have what an amazing woman your Mother is. How deep her heart is, just how special she truly is. She is the first woman in my life to challenge me to be something more than what I was. Not to change me or mold me in her image, but to help me become a better person. I had a few relationship bad habits when we got together that have in a few months been undone, and that is something that no other person in 30 years had accomplished. That's one of the many reasons I know she will be a good Mother, she has been such an excellent companion to me.
And I don't think I have told you in any previous post, or even shared this with your Mother. I love you Baby, my deepest desire is to make you proud.
My Humps
Only one more week until the big sonogram! We are so excited! We haven't seen the baby since it looked like a butterbeansaurus.
I'm getting bigger. I am wearing my PMS fat jeans now but they won't last much longer. Jerry will hold my belly when we lie together and say it's my "lovely lady lump". My sister sent me a huge box of maternity clothes this week. It was a lifesaver because the only store in town that carries maternity clothing is Walmart. The only long pants they sold were in the form of overalls. I don't want to spend four months looking like Farmer Brown. I still can't believe my belly will fill these elastic waisted pull up pants my sister sent. It's sinking in slowly. Every week, the baby seems to grow faster. It's incredible!
I'm getting bigger. I am wearing my PMS fat jeans now but they won't last much longer. Jerry will hold my belly when we lie together and say it's my "lovely lady lump". My sister sent me a huge box of maternity clothes this week. It was a lifesaver because the only store in town that carries maternity clothing is Walmart. The only long pants they sold were in the form of overalls. I don't want to spend four months looking like Farmer Brown. I still can't believe my belly will fill these elastic waisted pull up pants my sister sent. It's sinking in slowly. Every week, the baby seems to grow faster. It's incredible!
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