My Dearest Chloe,
For the time being your Mother and I are no longer together. It is my fault, I didn't appreciate the miracle that was you and your Mother and am now no longer living in the house that we had came to call home. I miss you every minute of every day. Even though your Mother and I don't see eye to eye I will always love you and her and in my hopes and prayers maybe time will help to heal the hurt I have caused. Honestly, your Mom has really surprised me since your birth. She devotes all of her efforts and life to the loving, caring, protection and happiness of you. You are blessed to be her child, just as she is blessed to have been given such a precious gift as you.
I am not at home where I thought I belonged because I came to the realization that in my present condition I could not give either of you the life that you deserve. It was hard, it took some courage, but I couldn't in good conscience continue living in a manner that would be detrimental to you or your Mother any longer. My deepest prayers and hopes are that in time we will be able to spend time together and even though your Mother will most likely move on I will always be your Dad. I also didn't want to pass on the dysfunction that has so negatively affected my life. One of the basic tenets of your Mother and mines relationship is honesty and not including this time in your life would be a lie by omission.
That being said I have to give praise to the wonderful job and all the sacrifices your Mom has been making to give you the best that life has to offer. You two are such beautiful beings and I pray the Lord will look over you and protect you while I am not there to do that myself.
I love you Chloe Jade Rivera, missing you is becoming he fuel that I need to get through this difficult time and become the father you deserve.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
Can You See Me Now?
MawMaw came over with your cousins the other day. MawMaw bought cousin Emma a pretend doctors' kit and put the glasses on you. No matter what type of day I'm having, I know I will always look at this picture and laugh. You remind me of a chimpanzee wearing glasses!
You are my joy and such a burst of brightness, Chloe.
You are my joy and such a burst of brightness, Chloe.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
When Mommy Goes to Work
Dear Chloe,
When your Mom went back to work I was terrified. It is a lot of responsibility to care for a child, especially a small baby who can hold her in a battle of wills with any adult. For weeks, every Tuesday and Friday brought so much stress. As soon as your Mother left for work the trial by fire would begin. You refused your bottle, and would scream for hours on end unless I simply put you in the bedroom and let you smell your sweet Mother's scent from her favorite blankie. In the last month a lot has changed. I really think the two of us have turned a corner and are headed in the right direction now. My Mom came by yesterday for a visit and seen first hand the 180 you have pulled on us. Your three cousins and Maw-maw sent you into a frenzy like the days of old, but you would immediately get quiet and calm in Daddy's loving arms. You were so good that you even fell asleep with me rocking you, and you haven't wanted to sleep in my arms since about a week after we brought you home from the hospital. I could never take the place of your Mother, but it does my soul good to feel the love and acceptance you have begun to show me as well. I was so worried that I wouldn't be a good Daddy. My Father was never there, and one of my primary goals has been to take the lessons I learned from life and not continue the same cycle again and again.
And though we have made excellent progress, I see so much of myself in you. A lot of times when I hold you now I watch as you study the world around you. I think you feel safe in my arms, and it is a break for Mommy when we can sit and spend time together while she actually completes a task without having to stop and constantly hold you. And even though you are hard headed and can be stubborn, you also look for new faces when you are out and about and remind me a lot of my Mom's father in the way you will share your huge toothless grin with total strangers. You also have my short attention span, and will immediately let us know if the current situation is not to your liking. Maw-maw says your are spoiled, but so what. You are a miracle, and deserve to be spoiled. I don't know if we'll ever try to conceive again, for the moment I think your Mother and I are content with being able to give you and only you our all.
Since you have been so much better for me now when we are alone, I can discern now between your different cries and whines. Where as before my main goal when your Mom went to work was to make sure I didn't take you the safe drop zone at the Benhaven Volunteer Fire Department, now I spend our days together pushing the limits of what we can accomplish together. From the moment we concieved and your Mom and I were faced with this new reality for our lives, I have known that you are a blessing from above. Of the billions of people on this planet Earth, there are not one but TWO that I would gladly lay down my life for if it meant they were safe and happy.
When you get older and get to read the thoughts your Mother and I have to share I hope you know just how much you mean to us. There is no greater joy than being a parent. You are so beautiful and precious, and we are honored to be there as you develop. Every new achievement is a wonder, and every week you grow so much.
Daddy loves you Chloe Jade Rivera :)
When your Mom went back to work I was terrified. It is a lot of responsibility to care for a child, especially a small baby who can hold her in a battle of wills with any adult. For weeks, every Tuesday and Friday brought so much stress. As soon as your Mother left for work the trial by fire would begin. You refused your bottle, and would scream for hours on end unless I simply put you in the bedroom and let you smell your sweet Mother's scent from her favorite blankie. In the last month a lot has changed. I really think the two of us have turned a corner and are headed in the right direction now. My Mom came by yesterday for a visit and seen first hand the 180 you have pulled on us. Your three cousins and Maw-maw sent you into a frenzy like the days of old, but you would immediately get quiet and calm in Daddy's loving arms. You were so good that you even fell asleep with me rocking you, and you haven't wanted to sleep in my arms since about a week after we brought you home from the hospital. I could never take the place of your Mother, but it does my soul good to feel the love and acceptance you have begun to show me as well. I was so worried that I wouldn't be a good Daddy. My Father was never there, and one of my primary goals has been to take the lessons I learned from life and not continue the same cycle again and again.
And though we have made excellent progress, I see so much of myself in you. A lot of times when I hold you now I watch as you study the world around you. I think you feel safe in my arms, and it is a break for Mommy when we can sit and spend time together while she actually completes a task without having to stop and constantly hold you. And even though you are hard headed and can be stubborn, you also look for new faces when you are out and about and remind me a lot of my Mom's father in the way you will share your huge toothless grin with total strangers. You also have my short attention span, and will immediately let us know if the current situation is not to your liking. Maw-maw says your are spoiled, but so what. You are a miracle, and deserve to be spoiled. I don't know if we'll ever try to conceive again, for the moment I think your Mother and I are content with being able to give you and only you our all.
Since you have been so much better for me now when we are alone, I can discern now between your different cries and whines. Where as before my main goal when your Mom went to work was to make sure I didn't take you the safe drop zone at the Benhaven Volunteer Fire Department, now I spend our days together pushing the limits of what we can accomplish together. From the moment we concieved and your Mom and I were faced with this new reality for our lives, I have known that you are a blessing from above. Of the billions of people on this planet Earth, there are not one but TWO that I would gladly lay down my life for if it meant they were safe and happy.
When you get older and get to read the thoughts your Mother and I have to share I hope you know just how much you mean to us. There is no greater joy than being a parent. You are so beautiful and precious, and we are honored to be there as you develop. Every new achievement is a wonder, and every week you grow so much.
Daddy loves you Chloe Jade Rivera :)
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Dear Chloe: So Much To Say
You are changing every day. The first few weeks after you were born, you were growing daily but didn't have much of a personality. You would eat, sleep and need a diaper change every few hours. I will be honest, I didn't really enjoy the newborn phase. Now, you coo, giggle, smile, squirm, eat, drink, inspect, explore, flail and interact with others. You are more independent, becoming your own person. I no longer feel like you are attached to my boob 24/7. It's all happening so fast and sometimes I feel sad you'd not my helpless little snail anymore.
I put you in your crib the other night after your bath. You enjoy watching your mobile now and reach for the plush butterflies swirling overhead. I thought you'd just take a short snooze and wake up in a hour wanting to come to bed with us. Two hours went by and you didn't stir so I went to bed. I awoke at 1am and hadn't heard you cry so in a panic, I rushed into your room thinking you stopped breathing. You hadn't died from SIDS, you were sleeping peacefully on your side with your thumb in your mouth. I crawled back into bed and felt a little lonely, like you didn't need me as much anymore. At 5:30am, you called out to be fed. You slept from 8pm-5:30am and I was shocked. I was also well rested, I actually dreamed that night which hasn't happened since you were born. The next night, I put you in your crib and you didn't protest. Once again, you slept through the night. I woke up at 6am and checked on you. You were awake, just looking around the room. Once you saw my face, you lit up like a GE light bulb.
You seem more happy in the crib, you seem to sleep better. Although I miss your sweet smelling body next to mine at night, I know it's time for this transition. I know all too soon you will be rolling and I'd feel horrible if you fell out of the bed. I also sleep better without you. I'm not unconciously worrying all night about how close you are to the edge. It's better for my relationship with Daddy too because instead for snuggling with you all night, once again he's my snuggle bunny. I think it benefits the entire family.
Interestingly, since this crib transition has occured, you have decided to drink bottles from Dad while I'm at work. Last Tuesday, I got no phone calls or text messages from Dad. I thought you must have had a real bad day and he was so busy consoling you he didn't have time to let me know how the day was going. When I got home, he was sitting on the porch swing rocking you and told me you had the best day ever. You drank two full bottles with no protesting, you to played with toys and watered the plants together. Lately, everytime you see him, you do your wide mouth tree frog grin. Another new chapter has opened.
You have started to eat from a spoon. We started with rice cereal and breastmilk and you gobbled it up. I started to feed you in the evenings because it seems my supply is low at the end of the day especially if I have been working. Most days at work, my break is spent pumping so I don't get a chance to eat. During my shift, I don't get to drink as much water either. Some nights, you were still hungry and my boobs felt empty. You look forward to your eveing meal now. You get cranky if your real supper time is late. When you see me coming with your pink spoon and cup you start screeching like a monkey "Oooooooooh!Oooooooh!OOOOoooooh!". You grab hold of the bowl and try to tip in into your mouth. I have started to introduce small amounts of fruits and veggies with your cereal slop. Instead of buying baby food, I made some from organic fruits and veggies. I steamed the fruits and baked the sweet potatoes then whipped them with the handy stick blender. You don't eat more than a tablespoon at a time, so it would be wasteful to buy jars. I dropped the pureed food onto self sealing plastic wrap and froze them into itty bitty portions. Once you eat your real food, you are out for the count. I think it's been a piece of the puzzle that has helped you start sleeping better during the night.
Sweet potatoes, apples and pears. You have also tried bananas and avocados. Bananas. Bananas gave me a scare. A day after you ate bananas, I was changing your diaper and noticed dark reddish/black thread like things in your poop. I freaked out, I thought you had worms. You drool constantly and always have your hands in your mouth. I remember people telling me to stop biting my nails or I'd get worms when I was little. I thought you got worms from stucking on your thumb. I frantically made phone calls and searched the web. Turns out the dark threads in your poop were from bananas. Just like a fresh baked loaf of banana bread.
I have read about the pros and cons about introducing solids. Some say that introducing solids early can cause overweight children or allergies. You don't seem to have any problems with food allergies. You just aren't satified in the evenings if I don't feed you your slop. You pull off my deflated breast and look at me and protest, "Empty Mama!". So, if you grow up to be a fat kid, you can blame me. I personally think you carry your weight well.
You love to spent time outside even if it's 100 degrees. It's a war zone out there though. You can connect the dots on my legs from 'skeeter bites. Two days ago, a paper wasp stung my arm and I had an allergic reaction. A few weeks ago, a female bluebird was building a nest in her wooden house. She laid five beautiful eggs the color of your eyes. I was excited to be able to observe her nestlings hatch. I was sitting outside one evening and something caught my eye. I saw a snake slithering into her box. She wasn't home to protect her eggs. The snake remained in the box for a day and sucked down all her eggs.
When his belly was full, he left. The next morning, I watched as the mama bluebird returned. She looked into her box for a minute and flew away. I felt sad for her but then thought of this quote by Richard Dawkins. "Nature is not cruel, pitilessly, indifferent. This is one of the hardest lessons for humans to learn. We cannot admit that things might be neither good nor evil, neither cruel nor kind, but simply callous -- indifferent to all suffering, lacking all purpose."
It can be hard to understand why things happen sometimes. I don't love snakes, they scare me a bit. Your Dad really doesn't like them and he wanted to kill it when he first saw it swallowing the eggs. I begged him to have mercy on the snake. The snake isn't evil, it was just hungry. So, I hope in your future, you will think of this quote before you take action. Sometimes, it's better to just sit back in the Bumbo and watch life unfold.
I put you in your crib the other night after your bath. You enjoy watching your mobile now and reach for the plush butterflies swirling overhead. I thought you'd just take a short snooze and wake up in a hour wanting to come to bed with us. Two hours went by and you didn't stir so I went to bed. I awoke at 1am and hadn't heard you cry so in a panic, I rushed into your room thinking you stopped breathing. You hadn't died from SIDS, you were sleeping peacefully on your side with your thumb in your mouth. I crawled back into bed and felt a little lonely, like you didn't need me as much anymore. At 5:30am, you called out to be fed. You slept from 8pm-5:30am and I was shocked. I was also well rested, I actually dreamed that night which hasn't happened since you were born. The next night, I put you in your crib and you didn't protest. Once again, you slept through the night. I woke up at 6am and checked on you. You were awake, just looking around the room. Once you saw my face, you lit up like a GE light bulb.
You seem more happy in the crib, you seem to sleep better. Although I miss your sweet smelling body next to mine at night, I know it's time for this transition. I know all too soon you will be rolling and I'd feel horrible if you fell out of the bed. I also sleep better without you. I'm not unconciously worrying all night about how close you are to the edge. It's better for my relationship with Daddy too because instead for snuggling with you all night, once again he's my snuggle bunny. I think it benefits the entire family.
Interestingly, since this crib transition has occured, you have decided to drink bottles from Dad while I'm at work. Last Tuesday, I got no phone calls or text messages from Dad. I thought you must have had a real bad day and he was so busy consoling you he didn't have time to let me know how the day was going. When I got home, he was sitting on the porch swing rocking you and told me you had the best day ever. You drank two full bottles with no protesting, you to played with toys and watered the plants together. Lately, everytime you see him, you do your wide mouth tree frog grin. Another new chapter has opened.
You have started to eat from a spoon. We started with rice cereal and breastmilk and you gobbled it up. I started to feed you in the evenings because it seems my supply is low at the end of the day especially if I have been working. Most days at work, my break is spent pumping so I don't get a chance to eat. During my shift, I don't get to drink as much water either. Some nights, you were still hungry and my boobs felt empty. You look forward to your eveing meal now. You get cranky if your real supper time is late. When you see me coming with your pink spoon and cup you start screeching like a monkey "Oooooooooh!Oooooooh!OOOOoooooh!". You grab hold of the bowl and try to tip in into your mouth. I have started to introduce small amounts of fruits and veggies with your cereal slop. Instead of buying baby food, I made some from organic fruits and veggies. I steamed the fruits and baked the sweet potatoes then whipped them with the handy stick blender. You don't eat more than a tablespoon at a time, so it would be wasteful to buy jars. I dropped the pureed food onto self sealing plastic wrap and froze them into itty bitty portions. Once you eat your real food, you are out for the count. I think it's been a piece of the puzzle that has helped you start sleeping better during the night.
Sweet potatoes, apples and pears. You have also tried bananas and avocados. Bananas. Bananas gave me a scare. A day after you ate bananas, I was changing your diaper and noticed dark reddish/black thread like things in your poop. I freaked out, I thought you had worms. You drool constantly and always have your hands in your mouth. I remember people telling me to stop biting my nails or I'd get worms when I was little. I thought you got worms from stucking on your thumb. I frantically made phone calls and searched the web. Turns out the dark threads in your poop were from bananas. Just like a fresh baked loaf of banana bread.
I have read about the pros and cons about introducing solids. Some say that introducing solids early can cause overweight children or allergies. You don't seem to have any problems with food allergies. You just aren't satified in the evenings if I don't feed you your slop. You pull off my deflated breast and look at me and protest, "Empty Mama!". So, if you grow up to be a fat kid, you can blame me. I personally think you carry your weight well.
You love to spent time outside even if it's 100 degrees. It's a war zone out there though. You can connect the dots on my legs from 'skeeter bites. Two days ago, a paper wasp stung my arm and I had an allergic reaction. A few weeks ago, a female bluebird was building a nest in her wooden house. She laid five beautiful eggs the color of your eyes. I was excited to be able to observe her nestlings hatch. I was sitting outside one evening and something caught my eye. I saw a snake slithering into her box. She wasn't home to protect her eggs. The snake remained in the box for a day and sucked down all her eggs.
When his belly was full, he left. The next morning, I watched as the mama bluebird returned. She looked into her box for a minute and flew away. I felt sad for her but then thought of this quote by Richard Dawkins. "Nature is not cruel, pitilessly, indifferent. This is one of the hardest lessons for humans to learn. We cannot admit that things might be neither good nor evil, neither cruel nor kind, but simply callous -- indifferent to all suffering, lacking all purpose."
It can be hard to understand why things happen sometimes. I don't love snakes, they scare me a bit. Your Dad really doesn't like them and he wanted to kill it when he first saw it swallowing the eggs. I begged him to have mercy on the snake. The snake isn't evil, it was just hungry. So, I hope in your future, you will think of this quote before you take action. Sometimes, it's better to just sit back in the Bumbo and watch life unfold.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Dear Chloe: You Light Up My Life
I love you so very much. You have taught me love I have never known. I can't wait to get off work to see your smiling face, your unfailing love. It brings me to tears thinking about. I have never loved anything (except my dogs) so unconditionally and completely. I even love your constant stream of drool and stinky farts.
You haven't adjusted so well to my return to work. You refuse to eat from a bottle while I'm gone. You refuse to eat, period. The first time I got a phone call about your self induced anorexia, I was in a panic. I thought you'd die of starvation during my eight hour shift. I almost came home early. You were still alive when I got home after a full day of work, just hungry. The days that I work screws up your schedule. You want to constantly nurse at night. You can roll to your side now so it works out fine. You just lay next to me in bed and turn over for snacks during the night. The reverse cycling a few times a week hasn't hurt you. You are still as rolly-polly as ever. I endearingly call you my fatty-pig-pig. "Hey baby pig, how ya doin'?", I ask as you are waking up. I hope I don't give you a complex.
You can light up a room with your smile, Chloe. People are always fawning over you now when we are in public. You eat the attention up when I have you in the sling or holding you when we are out and about. I look down when you are strapped in the Snugli and see you eyeing people in WalMart. You want them to make eye contact with you, to talk to you. Once they do, it's showtime Baby! Your face lights up like the sunshine and you give them a huge toofless grin. They tell you how pretty you are and smile back, it makes you happy. Now, you have decided to coo and talk to people. The strangers enjoy this even more and have a "ahhhhhh-gooo" conversation with you. It makes me happy and proud too. I sometimes can't believe my eyes. Just eight weeks ago, I wouldn't attempt to take you out to eat by myself. Now that we both are more comfortable in the big wide world together, it's fun.
I took this picture into work with me to show friends. One person said, your face reminded them of a cheery Gerber daisy. They thought your dress suited you.
I even took you to Grammy's pool. A first, it wasn't so fun. You seemed cranky but it was because you were tired. You feel asleep for a few hours in the shade. When you woke up, you were your happy old self again. It's getting easier to read your cues now. When you are hungry, tired or dirty. I understand what you need know and I'm glad. We hardly ever have a bad day together anymore.
This week, we went to see my dogs, Monty and Missy. It's a very hard thing for me to do. I miss them and don't want to cause them more distress. I had to make the decision to leave them and let them live out the rest of their days on the farm.
I have searched for the word to describe the reunions with my dogs and it's bittersweet. Bitter because I miss them. Times during this visit I felt Monty was avoiding my hugs and kisses. I understand if he was, maybe it's confusing and painful. Where have I been the last ten months for kisses? He would walk away from me and plop down in the tall grass and I let him have his space.
Sweet because Monty tried to climb around your carseat to hop in while I was trying to buckle you up. Bitter because I told him, "no, out" because he couldn't come. Sweet because his body wagged when I got out of the car and said, "Hello my Monter and Mystical Missy!" Bitter when I got into the car and they stood around it before they obeyed the command to go inside.
Remember when I wrote about following your heart? Well, sometimes in life, we must make difficult choices. As humans, we tend to think of ourselves when we make them. I hope you learn to be selfless, Chloe. I don't want you to become a doormat but I hope you think about how your actions will affect others, even animals. In my heart, I know the dogs are better on the farm. They can go in and out the doggie door as they please. They have the freedom they have rightly earned. If they lived with us, they wouldn't be able to run freely because we have no fence and are 200 ft from the road. So, I feel okay with the decision I made to leave them, because I put their needs first.
I live by the same standards for you. I put you first, I always will. I'm glad you got to see animals that I love.
You haven't adjusted so well to my return to work. You refuse to eat from a bottle while I'm gone. You refuse to eat, period. The first time I got a phone call about your self induced anorexia, I was in a panic. I thought you'd die of starvation during my eight hour shift. I almost came home early. You were still alive when I got home after a full day of work, just hungry. The days that I work screws up your schedule. You want to constantly nurse at night. You can roll to your side now so it works out fine. You just lay next to me in bed and turn over for snacks during the night. The reverse cycling a few times a week hasn't hurt you. You are still as rolly-polly as ever. I endearingly call you my fatty-pig-pig. "Hey baby pig, how ya doin'?", I ask as you are waking up. I hope I don't give you a complex.
You can light up a room with your smile, Chloe. People are always fawning over you now when we are in public. You eat the attention up when I have you in the sling or holding you when we are out and about. I look down when you are strapped in the Snugli and see you eyeing people in WalMart. You want them to make eye contact with you, to talk to you. Once they do, it's showtime Baby! Your face lights up like the sunshine and you give them a huge toofless grin. They tell you how pretty you are and smile back, it makes you happy. Now, you have decided to coo and talk to people. The strangers enjoy this even more and have a "ahhhhhh-gooo" conversation with you. It makes me happy and proud too. I sometimes can't believe my eyes. Just eight weeks ago, I wouldn't attempt to take you out to eat by myself. Now that we both are more comfortable in the big wide world together, it's fun.
I took this picture into work with me to show friends. One person said, your face reminded them of a cheery Gerber daisy. They thought your dress suited you.
I even took you to Grammy's pool. A first, it wasn't so fun. You seemed cranky but it was because you were tired. You feel asleep for a few hours in the shade. When you woke up, you were your happy old self again. It's getting easier to read your cues now. When you are hungry, tired or dirty. I understand what you need know and I'm glad. We hardly ever have a bad day together anymore.
This week, we went to see my dogs, Monty and Missy. It's a very hard thing for me to do. I miss them and don't want to cause them more distress. I had to make the decision to leave them and let them live out the rest of their days on the farm.
I have searched for the word to describe the reunions with my dogs and it's bittersweet. Bitter because I miss them. Times during this visit I felt Monty was avoiding my hugs and kisses. I understand if he was, maybe it's confusing and painful. Where have I been the last ten months for kisses? He would walk away from me and plop down in the tall grass and I let him have his space.
Sweet because Monty tried to climb around your carseat to hop in while I was trying to buckle you up. Bitter because I told him, "no, out" because he couldn't come. Sweet because his body wagged when I got out of the car and said, "Hello my Monter and Mystical Missy!" Bitter when I got into the car and they stood around it before they obeyed the command to go inside.
Remember when I wrote about following your heart? Well, sometimes in life, we must make difficult choices. As humans, we tend to think of ourselves when we make them. I hope you learn to be selfless, Chloe. I don't want you to become a doormat but I hope you think about how your actions will affect others, even animals. In my heart, I know the dogs are better on the farm. They can go in and out the doggie door as they please. They have the freedom they have rightly earned. If they lived with us, they wouldn't be able to run freely because we have no fence and are 200 ft from the road. So, I feel okay with the decision I made to leave them, because I put their needs first.
I live by the same standards for you. I put you first, I always will. I'm glad you got to see animals that I love.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
To My Little Blessing
Dear Chloe,
We started this blog to do something special for you. When you get older thanks to the internet you will be able to know all the things that can can be forgotten along the way as you grow and change. Today is the first day your Mom left you with me while she went to work. I had just gotten off the phone with my Mom telling her how wonderful things were going when you decided to go ballistic for two consecutive hours. Nothing that a nice meandering ride in Dad's four wheel drive truck couldn't fix though. It's hard sometimes, because I know I am no substitute for your Mother. I wish you could see the two of you through my eyes, the never-ending supply of love and affection she shows you, doing the hokey pokey while we watch the Today show. I know that as time goes by we will do many fun things together, but there is a bond between your Mother and you that is irreplaceable.
You are getting so big. Every day when I get home from work it seems you have grown. You try to talk and blow spit bubbles. We have found that you also have your Mother's love for the outdoors, you like sitting in your baby bath tub that has become your back porch recliner. I am so blessed to have you and your Mother in my life. Last night at work I was showing off pix in my phone of you to my customers and some one told me "I never thought you would settle down and be a family man". Well your Mother is the "one", my hearts desire, and I know in my heart of hearts that you are a blessing from the fruits of a love that was trully meant to be. The last few weeks were kinda rough for your mother and I, mainly of my own doing. It was just her and I for so long, and I am having to learn to share. I seem to be at work all the time and my schedule has been so crazy that the three of us haven't really gotten into any kind of routine when it comes to spending time or doing things but hopefully it will all work itself out.
I just want to let you know that even though you can't talk I try to do things that you will appreciate. Your changing table wall is rapidly filling up with drawings that you stare at while you are getting your poopie pants changed. For my birthday my Mom even bought me special red and black gel pens so I can draw in colors that you love to look at best. Every time I draw you a picture and post it on the wall, you immediately know that something new is there. Maybe one day we can draw and color together.
It's almost eerie how much you look like I did as a child, my Mom said it looked you were" pulled out of my butt". But you have your grandma's eyes, and love to knead your feet and cover your head with the blankie just like your Mom. Well, you are up from your nap so I need to go pick you up and spend some time with you before your Mom gets home and I have to go to work. I love you Baby Spider Monkey!
We started this blog to do something special for you. When you get older thanks to the internet you will be able to know all the things that can can be forgotten along the way as you grow and change. Today is the first day your Mom left you with me while she went to work. I had just gotten off the phone with my Mom telling her how wonderful things were going when you decided to go ballistic for two consecutive hours. Nothing that a nice meandering ride in Dad's four wheel drive truck couldn't fix though. It's hard sometimes, because I know I am no substitute for your Mother. I wish you could see the two of you through my eyes, the never-ending supply of love and affection she shows you, doing the hokey pokey while we watch the Today show. I know that as time goes by we will do many fun things together, but there is a bond between your Mother and you that is irreplaceable.
You are getting so big. Every day when I get home from work it seems you have grown. You try to talk and blow spit bubbles. We have found that you also have your Mother's love for the outdoors, you like sitting in your baby bath tub that has become your back porch recliner. I am so blessed to have you and your Mother in my life. Last night at work I was showing off pix in my phone of you to my customers and some one told me "I never thought you would settle down and be a family man". Well your Mother is the "one", my hearts desire, and I know in my heart of hearts that you are a blessing from the fruits of a love that was trully meant to be. The last few weeks were kinda rough for your mother and I, mainly of my own doing. It was just her and I for so long, and I am having to learn to share. I seem to be at work all the time and my schedule has been so crazy that the three of us haven't really gotten into any kind of routine when it comes to spending time or doing things but hopefully it will all work itself out.
I just want to let you know that even though you can't talk I try to do things that you will appreciate. Your changing table wall is rapidly filling up with drawings that you stare at while you are getting your poopie pants changed. For my birthday my Mom even bought me special red and black gel pens so I can draw in colors that you love to look at best. Every time I draw you a picture and post it on the wall, you immediately know that something new is there. Maybe one day we can draw and color together.
It's almost eerie how much you look like I did as a child, my Mom said it looked you were" pulled out of my butt". But you have your grandma's eyes, and love to knead your feet and cover your head with the blankie just like your Mom. Well, you are up from your nap so I need to go pick you up and spend some time with you before your Mom gets home and I have to go to work. I love you Baby Spider Monkey!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Happy Birthday, I'm Sorry
Dear Chloe,
Happy three month birthday! I love you more each day. You are my world and I'm about to rock it. I'm sorry, I have to go back to work on Sunday. On Saturday night, I will drop you off at Jerry's moms' house. I have to be at work by 6am. If I woke in the morning to drive you, I'd have to wake up around 3am. It takes about 45min. to get to Maw-Maw's house. I think it would be much more stressful on Mawmaw, you and I if I woke you and had to rush to work.
But do you know how hard this is for me? It will be the first time I have left you for more than three hours. I have slept with you every night since you were born. To take a line from James Blunt, "I know you well, I know your smell". My bed will be deprived of your smell Saturday night. And your moans and thrashing. Everyone assures me I'll get a better night's sleep. I know I'll probably be lying awake wondering what you are doing.
So, everyone says it's the best idea. For you to spend the night. I started to think about why it bothered me. It bothers me because it's a step in the growing process. You are growing every day. You are no longer my baby snail. You are becoming my little spider monkey now; holding onto my shirt and wrapping your legs around my torso when I scoop you up.
MawMaw is the very best person I can leave you with the first time overnight. She honestly loves you. It makes me feel good when I see her love on you. She does the things I do. She doesn't mind holding you until her arms fall asleep. You makes funny sounds at you and I have seen you laugh at her antics. When she tells you she wants to "eat you up", I know you are in good hands.
You are growing up and I'm losing control and that's why it bothers me so much. On Tuesday and Friday, when you go to the babysitter's(Mrs.Y) I don't know what to expect. I don't know if she'll understand when you need to be held, or changed or fed. I really wrestled with the daycare decision, I really don't to put you in a center type of setting. Mrs. Y only has one three year old. And Chloe, I'm sorry but I bet that three year old will be jealous of you at first. She wasn't too happy when Mrs. Y asked her, "Don't you want to have baby Chloe?"
I have no doubt you'll figure it out with your MawMaw, Dad and Mrs. Y. They will learn to read your cues too. I gotta figure out when I can sneak a chance to pump. It will be a real hard thing for me to swallow if I give up breastfeeding due to work.
I told people at work it would be my dream if I could stay home for at least 12 weeks. My dream came true. I'm looking forward to you meeting new people, going to church with the first time with MawMaw and looking at new pictures on the walls. The stained glass is especially beautiful in the churches, Chloe! I hope you absorb the love and smile lots. It will be harder on me than you, especially if my cups overruneth with milk.
Happy three month birthday! I love you more each day. You are my world and I'm about to rock it. I'm sorry, I have to go back to work on Sunday. On Saturday night, I will drop you off at Jerry's moms' house. I have to be at work by 6am. If I woke in the morning to drive you, I'd have to wake up around 3am. It takes about 45min. to get to Maw-Maw's house. I think it would be much more stressful on Mawmaw, you and I if I woke you and had to rush to work.
But do you know how hard this is for me? It will be the first time I have left you for more than three hours. I have slept with you every night since you were born. To take a line from James Blunt, "I know you well, I know your smell". My bed will be deprived of your smell Saturday night. And your moans and thrashing. Everyone assures me I'll get a better night's sleep. I know I'll probably be lying awake wondering what you are doing.
So, everyone says it's the best idea. For you to spend the night. I started to think about why it bothered me. It bothers me because it's a step in the growing process. You are growing every day. You are no longer my baby snail. You are becoming my little spider monkey now; holding onto my shirt and wrapping your legs around my torso when I scoop you up.
MawMaw is the very best person I can leave you with the first time overnight. She honestly loves you. It makes me feel good when I see her love on you. She does the things I do. She doesn't mind holding you until her arms fall asleep. You makes funny sounds at you and I have seen you laugh at her antics. When she tells you she wants to "eat you up", I know you are in good hands.
You are growing up and I'm losing control and that's why it bothers me so much. On Tuesday and Friday, when you go to the babysitter's(Mrs.Y) I don't know what to expect. I don't know if she'll understand when you need to be held, or changed or fed. I really wrestled with the daycare decision, I really don't to put you in a center type of setting. Mrs. Y only has one three year old. And Chloe, I'm sorry but I bet that three year old will be jealous of you at first. She wasn't too happy when Mrs. Y asked her, "Don't you want to have baby Chloe?"
I have no doubt you'll figure it out with your MawMaw, Dad and Mrs. Y. They will learn to read your cues too. I gotta figure out when I can sneak a chance to pump. It will be a real hard thing for me to swallow if I give up breastfeeding due to work.
I told people at work it would be my dream if I could stay home for at least 12 weeks. My dream came true. I'm looking forward to you meeting new people, going to church with the first time with MawMaw and looking at new pictures on the walls. The stained glass is especially beautiful in the churches, Chloe! I hope you absorb the love and smile lots. It will be harder on me than you, especially if my cups overruneth with milk.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Dairy Brings Out the Devil
Dear Chloe,
So much has changed the last few weeks. I haven't written because I've been busy enjoying spending time with you. I woke up early this morning to finally write. You're still snoozing in the warm bed, like a little bug in a rug. I figured out you are allergic to dairy products. After researching colic, I started reading about allergies. One of the biggest culprits can be dairy. I was willing to try anything to stop your crying, the constant gas, the writhing in pain. I removed all dairy from my diet. Within three days, you were a different baby. You went from this:
To this:
Everyone is so much happier. I would never eat a hot fudge sundae again if I thought it would cause you distress. I start foaming at the mouth when I think about ice-cream though.
You are developing a personality. You smile, giggle and coo now. You are engaging and will follow and focus on things with your eyes. I was up pumping milk for the freezer the other morning at 3am and I found a channel called "Baby First TV", they had a night time program. I recorded a couple shows. You love them! I sit you in front of the the TV in your Boppy while I fix breakfast, do some dishes and laundry.
You also like to spend time outside. You love to watch the leaves rustling in the trees. While I water my plants, I'll put you in your plastic bucket and you'll entertain yourself by talking to the trees.
We went to see my dogs'old best friend Sabre and go for a walk the other day. You loved the hour walk as long as the stroller was moving. Sabre was surprised to see a stroller when I opened the trunk and Monty and Missy didn't jump out. She gave you a kiss anyway. I hope you learn to love animals as much as I do.
We went to the Farmer's Market to see old friends with Grammie Penny. You were still withdrawing from dairy so you were kind of cranky. We went behind an old shack to change your diaper and you fell asleep in Grammie's arms. Grammie said, "Take a picture of us while she's sleeping." I didn't want to, I didn't think the background was good enough. I didn't want people to think we live in that dump. I'm glad she encouraged me to take the picture because it turned out great! I actually framed in and gave it to her for Mother's Day.
You got your shots a few weeks ago. When the nurse told me I was going to have to hold your arms, I told her she's better find another helper because I wasn't going play a part in the torture. She called in another nurse but she wasn't thrilled about it. I took some pictures while you got the vaccines. The entire time they were sticking you, you looked at me for help. When I finally came to your rescue, you recovered quickly.
You are 14 pounds now, the size of a butterball turkey. You can roll over and can launch yourself forward when doing tummy time on the Boppy. You like to try and "stand" in our laps.
You have found your hands. You never have liked the paci but you like your thumb. We can get into a paci war at home, you refuse to suck on it and will spit it across the room. If I offer you a paci in public, you will happily suck on it. I can't figure this one out. I think you are a playa. You know I can't whip out a boob in a restuarant so you are okay with the paci. You're smarter than I give you credit for, aren't ya?
Just two months ago, you hated a bath. Now, it's your favorite activity. I'll play a CD and sing Gavin Degraw while you splash away. You'd float around in the tub for an hour if I let you. You don't smile while taking a bath though. You are too busy kicking your legs and flapping your arms. The expression on your face is usually concentration. I wish I knew what you were thinking about sometimes. Does the bath remind you of the time you spent in the womb?
Finally, we went to see Miss Morgan yesterday. Miss M lived the apartment complex where we conceived you. I wrote this about Miss M many months ago.
Miss Morgan is the oldest tenant living in the complex, she's 88. She's always trying to keep busy doing things outside. She loves to work. She worked for the railroad in Georgia for 35 years. Most mornings, you will find her outside raking pine straw. She has a plastic sheet that she loads up with the pine straw and drags into the woods. She only weighs about 95 pounds and I sometimes worry she'll fall while dragging her heavy loads. She's always admiring my flowers on the porch. She was especially fascinated with a planter I brought home that is stable on the railing because it has a cut out on it's base. Last week, I went to the plant farm and bought her a deck railing pot, a bag of soil and some flowers. You should have seen the joy in her eyes when I brought it to her. She was worrying herself to death about planting them. "How do I get them out of the little pots? Should I break up the roots when I pot them into the large deck pot? Should I do all the pink flowers on one side or the purple? How many times a day should I water them?" I assured her they would be fine, I picked out hardy plants that were meant for the shade on her deck. She said she was going to plant them after her nap. She put them right in front of her door and left the door open so she could keep a close eye on them.
A few hours later, I heard a knock at the door. It was Miss Morgan, "I can't open the bag of soil, I have the shakes too bad." (I think Miss Morgan has some sort of palsy. One day, she was trying to walk down the steps with a cup of water. She had spilled half before she made it down four steps because her hand was shaking so uncontrollably. I carried it down the rest of the way.) I was in the middle of cooking dinner so J offered to help. He went outside and helped Miss Morgan repot her flowers and placed them securely on the railing. Later that evening, Miss Morgan came outside with a spray bottle in hand. "I thought they could use a little refresher after their traumatic replanting experience." She gently spritzed every flower with a Cheshire cat like smile on her face. She checks on those flowers several times a day. I think they are the most loved flowers in a five mile radius.
Miss Morgan moved out of the apartment complex a few months before we did, she decided to go to a nursing home. It made me feel sad, she felt she could no longer care for herself alone. She was losing her independence. She took her flower pot to the nursing home with her though, she could still care for that. Your Dad and I visited Miss Morgan a few times at the home. I went to a florist that I waited on at the restuarant to buy her birthday flowers. When he asked me who they were for, I told him about Miss M. The florist made a huge arrangment of gladiolas. It was so big, the flowers touched the roof of the car when I drove them to the nursing home. The florist wouldn't accept any money for the flowers because he thought I was doing a good deed. I bought him breakfast the next time he came to the restaurant and always made sure his coffee was full.
Miss Morgan was thrilled with her birthday flowers. There was a pitiful vase of backyard dandilions on her nightstand that her daughter brought her the day before. Her daughter and grand daughter only lived 40 miles away but only came to see her three times a year. It angered me.
We took you to see Miss Morgan for your first trip in public but she wasn't there. We went on the day she was taken to Walmart and the bank. Miss Morgan was on my mind a lot this week. Yesterday, your Dad had the day off so we all went to visit. We knocked on her door and she squealed with delight when she saw us. You started crying when we walked into her little room. Amazingly, you took your paci(which you normally loathe) and happily sucked the entire visit.
Her little room was all boxed up. She told us she was going to a nursing home in Georgia, she was raised there and her only living sister is still there. Her daughter doesn't come to see her often still. I wanted to cry, she talked like she was going home to die. She handed me an envelope. It said, "Michelle and Jerry's Baby". It probably took her a long time to write that, her hands shake so bad she was worried we couldn't read it.
She's leaving in a few days and we promised to call because she can't write. I hope you will learn this, Chloe. Listen to your heart. If it is telling you something, listen. If I hadn't listened, I wouldn't have seen Miss Morgan before she passed away. She would have gone to Georgia without my knowledge. My heart kept telling me to go see her THIS WEEK.
Be thoughtful and kind, Chloe. Small gestures can make someone's day and touch their heart for a lifetime. If you are good to others, you will be rewarded. Remember how the florist gave me free flowers for Miss Morgan? He knew I didn't have much money but he was touched by the thought. I have no doubt Miss Morgan will look down at us from heaven watching you grow and smile.
So much has changed the last few weeks. I haven't written because I've been busy enjoying spending time with you. I woke up early this morning to finally write. You're still snoozing in the warm bed, like a little bug in a rug. I figured out you are allergic to dairy products. After researching colic, I started reading about allergies. One of the biggest culprits can be dairy. I was willing to try anything to stop your crying, the constant gas, the writhing in pain. I removed all dairy from my diet. Within three days, you were a different baby. You went from this:
To this:
Everyone is so much happier. I would never eat a hot fudge sundae again if I thought it would cause you distress. I start foaming at the mouth when I think about ice-cream though.
You are developing a personality. You smile, giggle and coo now. You are engaging and will follow and focus on things with your eyes. I was up pumping milk for the freezer the other morning at 3am and I found a channel called "Baby First TV", they had a night time program. I recorded a couple shows. You love them! I sit you in front of the the TV in your Boppy while I fix breakfast, do some dishes and laundry.
You also like to spend time outside. You love to watch the leaves rustling in the trees. While I water my plants, I'll put you in your plastic bucket and you'll entertain yourself by talking to the trees.
We went to see my dogs'old best friend Sabre and go for a walk the other day. You loved the hour walk as long as the stroller was moving. Sabre was surprised to see a stroller when I opened the trunk and Monty and Missy didn't jump out. She gave you a kiss anyway. I hope you learn to love animals as much as I do.
We went to the Farmer's Market to see old friends with Grammie Penny. You were still withdrawing from dairy so you were kind of cranky. We went behind an old shack to change your diaper and you fell asleep in Grammie's arms. Grammie said, "Take a picture of us while she's sleeping." I didn't want to, I didn't think the background was good enough. I didn't want people to think we live in that dump. I'm glad she encouraged me to take the picture because it turned out great! I actually framed in and gave it to her for Mother's Day.
You got your shots a few weeks ago. When the nurse told me I was going to have to hold your arms, I told her she's better find another helper because I wasn't going play a part in the torture. She called in another nurse but she wasn't thrilled about it. I took some pictures while you got the vaccines. The entire time they were sticking you, you looked at me for help. When I finally came to your rescue, you recovered quickly.
You are 14 pounds now, the size of a butterball turkey. You can roll over and can launch yourself forward when doing tummy time on the Boppy. You like to try and "stand" in our laps.
You have found your hands. You never have liked the paci but you like your thumb. We can get into a paci war at home, you refuse to suck on it and will spit it across the room. If I offer you a paci in public, you will happily suck on it. I can't figure this one out. I think you are a playa. You know I can't whip out a boob in a restuarant so you are okay with the paci. You're smarter than I give you credit for, aren't ya?
Just two months ago, you hated a bath. Now, it's your favorite activity. I'll play a CD and sing Gavin Degraw while you splash away. You'd float around in the tub for an hour if I let you. You don't smile while taking a bath though. You are too busy kicking your legs and flapping your arms. The expression on your face is usually concentration. I wish I knew what you were thinking about sometimes. Does the bath remind you of the time you spent in the womb?
Finally, we went to see Miss Morgan yesterday. Miss M lived the apartment complex where we conceived you. I wrote this about Miss M many months ago.
Miss Morgan is the oldest tenant living in the complex, she's 88. She's always trying to keep busy doing things outside. She loves to work. She worked for the railroad in Georgia for 35 years. Most mornings, you will find her outside raking pine straw. She has a plastic sheet that she loads up with the pine straw and drags into the woods. She only weighs about 95 pounds and I sometimes worry she'll fall while dragging her heavy loads. She's always admiring my flowers on the porch. She was especially fascinated with a planter I brought home that is stable on the railing because it has a cut out on it's base. Last week, I went to the plant farm and bought her a deck railing pot, a bag of soil and some flowers. You should have seen the joy in her eyes when I brought it to her. She was worrying herself to death about planting them. "How do I get them out of the little pots? Should I break up the roots when I pot them into the large deck pot? Should I do all the pink flowers on one side or the purple? How many times a day should I water them?" I assured her they would be fine, I picked out hardy plants that were meant for the shade on her deck. She said she was going to plant them after her nap. She put them right in front of her door and left the door open so she could keep a close eye on them.
A few hours later, I heard a knock at the door. It was Miss Morgan, "I can't open the bag of soil, I have the shakes too bad." (I think Miss Morgan has some sort of palsy. One day, she was trying to walk down the steps with a cup of water. She had spilled half before she made it down four steps because her hand was shaking so uncontrollably. I carried it down the rest of the way.) I was in the middle of cooking dinner so J offered to help. He went outside and helped Miss Morgan repot her flowers and placed them securely on the railing. Later that evening, Miss Morgan came outside with a spray bottle in hand. "I thought they could use a little refresher after their traumatic replanting experience." She gently spritzed every flower with a Cheshire cat like smile on her face. She checks on those flowers several times a day. I think they are the most loved flowers in a five mile radius.
Miss Morgan moved out of the apartment complex a few months before we did, she decided to go to a nursing home. It made me feel sad, she felt she could no longer care for herself alone. She was losing her independence. She took her flower pot to the nursing home with her though, she could still care for that. Your Dad and I visited Miss Morgan a few times at the home. I went to a florist that I waited on at the restuarant to buy her birthday flowers. When he asked me who they were for, I told him about Miss M. The florist made a huge arrangment of gladiolas. It was so big, the flowers touched the roof of the car when I drove them to the nursing home. The florist wouldn't accept any money for the flowers because he thought I was doing a good deed. I bought him breakfast the next time he came to the restaurant and always made sure his coffee was full.
Miss Morgan was thrilled with her birthday flowers. There was a pitiful vase of backyard dandilions on her nightstand that her daughter brought her the day before. Her daughter and grand daughter only lived 40 miles away but only came to see her three times a year. It angered me.
We took you to see Miss Morgan for your first trip in public but she wasn't there. We went on the day she was taken to Walmart and the bank. Miss Morgan was on my mind a lot this week. Yesterday, your Dad had the day off so we all went to visit. We knocked on her door and she squealed with delight when she saw us. You started crying when we walked into her little room. Amazingly, you took your paci(which you normally loathe) and happily sucked the entire visit.
Her little room was all boxed up. She told us she was going to a nursing home in Georgia, she was raised there and her only living sister is still there. Her daughter doesn't come to see her often still. I wanted to cry, she talked like she was going home to die. She handed me an envelope. It said, "Michelle and Jerry's Baby". It probably took her a long time to write that, her hands shake so bad she was worried we couldn't read it.
She's leaving in a few days and we promised to call because she can't write. I hope you will learn this, Chloe. Listen to your heart. If it is telling you something, listen. If I hadn't listened, I wouldn't have seen Miss Morgan before she passed away. She would have gone to Georgia without my knowledge. My heart kept telling me to go see her THIS WEEK.
Be thoughtful and kind, Chloe. Small gestures can make someone's day and touch their heart for a lifetime. If you are good to others, you will be rewarded. Remember how the florist gave me free flowers for Miss Morgan? He knew I didn't have much money but he was touched by the thought. I have no doubt Miss Morgan will look down at us from heaven watching you grow and smile.
Monday, April 28, 2008
A Trying Two Months
Girl.... I must love you like a rock n' roll star because you've put me through the ringer the last few weeks.
Who Me?
Yes, YOU!
I think you have colic. There is no test for colic but you have all the signs. It started to peak around six weeks. You have more gas than the Good Year blimp. You'll clench your fists like Muhammad Ali, and arch your back like Greg Louganis flipping off the high dive. At first, I thought you were just spoiled and throwing a fit when I wasn't holding you. Now, I realize you are in pain when you are trying to expel the gas.
Some days, I feel like you are a leech sucking the life out of me. I have to hold you tweleve hours a day. I feel like I've had a great day when I can get a load of laundry done and dinner made. I've learned to deal with you clinging on me like a spider monkey with the help of the sling. I'll vacuum and put dishes away with you strapped to me. You are a better shopping partner when you are in the sling than the carseat. You actually look at the cans of green beans riding in the sling instead of screaming like I threw the beans at you in the car seat.
We had a really bad day last week. You were awake from 8am to 9pm. You fought sleep as if you were to nap, you'd turn into Sleeping Beauty and never wake until your prince kissed you. I was frazzled and thought a field trip to the strawberry patch would help. When I put you in the car, you were screaming. You calmed down only when the car was moving. Every stoplight made you panic. We stood in line in front of a wooden table loaded with cardboard boxes of strawberries and you let out a wail.
"Oh no, her leg! I think you scraped her leg on the table!", the strawberry lady said.
"That's just a strawberry.", I told her.
"No, the baby's leg is bleeding! I think you hit her leg on the wood and that's why she's crying."
People think you are injured because you cry so hard. It was just your strawberry birthmark the lady was concerned about. On the way home, you cried all the way. I passed a fire station. I thought to myself, a safe drop zone- no questions asked! Maybe the fire fighters would babysit for a few hours so I could regain my sanity. They probably could handle your noise since they are used to the sirens on the trucks. You would fit in just great, a little WAHHHbulance!
When we go to someone's house for dinner, you fuss the entire time. Your worst hours are 5-7pm. I think it's because you are overly tired.
You'd like to chain me to the rocking chair and nurse all evening if you could find a lock and key. It makes me feel sad when I take you out and you're so unhappy. You are so pretty Chloe Jade. People fawn over you and want to make you laugh and smile. They want to cuddle and hold you but I am the only one you want right now. I want to share your cuteness with the world.
I've been trying to find ways to comfort you. We have tried gas drops, gripe water, tummy time, massage and then I got an idea of pushing your gas out using a stability ball. It works! The ball has some use even though I don't have the time for crunches right now.
It's not all bad though Chloe. There are moments of the day that make all the bad hours worth it. You love to take baths on your yellow foam mat. You relax and calm down like you're on a float in the French Riviera. You enjoy music and I can get you to giggle by doing the Hokey Pokey with you. You are strong, you have started flipping from stomach to back.
You have taught me about myself. I never thought I had patience. You proved me wrong. I have never known true, unconditional love until I met you. I have given up on people in my past. My love for you will never waver no matter how much you challenge me. I'll sit and rock you for hours on end if that is what you need. I'll try my best finding ways to make you happy and comfortable. We'll stop taking dinner invitations because you are more happy at home in the evenings. I will make any sacrifice for you. The moment I set eyes on you, I knew I wanted to make the best life possible for us. It's not all about me anymore, it's you and me kid. I have no doubt that this colic phase will pass. There will be better days ahead filled with your adorable impish grin that melts my heart.
A mother's love for her child is like
nothing else in the world. It knows no
law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes
down remorselessly all that stands in its path.
~ Agatha Christie
Who Me?
Yes, YOU!
I think you have colic. There is no test for colic but you have all the signs. It started to peak around six weeks. You have more gas than the Good Year blimp. You'll clench your fists like Muhammad Ali, and arch your back like Greg Louganis flipping off the high dive. At first, I thought you were just spoiled and throwing a fit when I wasn't holding you. Now, I realize you are in pain when you are trying to expel the gas.
Some days, I feel like you are a leech sucking the life out of me. I have to hold you tweleve hours a day. I feel like I've had a great day when I can get a load of laundry done and dinner made. I've learned to deal with you clinging on me like a spider monkey with the help of the sling. I'll vacuum and put dishes away with you strapped to me. You are a better shopping partner when you are in the sling than the carseat. You actually look at the cans of green beans riding in the sling instead of screaming like I threw the beans at you in the car seat.
We had a really bad day last week. You were awake from 8am to 9pm. You fought sleep as if you were to nap, you'd turn into Sleeping Beauty and never wake until your prince kissed you. I was frazzled and thought a field trip to the strawberry patch would help. When I put you in the car, you were screaming. You calmed down only when the car was moving. Every stoplight made you panic. We stood in line in front of a wooden table loaded with cardboard boxes of strawberries and you let out a wail.
"Oh no, her leg! I think you scraped her leg on the table!", the strawberry lady said.
"That's just a strawberry.", I told her.
"No, the baby's leg is bleeding! I think you hit her leg on the wood and that's why she's crying."
People think you are injured because you cry so hard. It was just your strawberry birthmark the lady was concerned about. On the way home, you cried all the way. I passed a fire station. I thought to myself, a safe drop zone- no questions asked! Maybe the fire fighters would babysit for a few hours so I could regain my sanity. They probably could handle your noise since they are used to the sirens on the trucks. You would fit in just great, a little WAHHHbulance!
When we go to someone's house for dinner, you fuss the entire time. Your worst hours are 5-7pm. I think it's because you are overly tired.
You'd like to chain me to the rocking chair and nurse all evening if you could find a lock and key. It makes me feel sad when I take you out and you're so unhappy. You are so pretty Chloe Jade. People fawn over you and want to make you laugh and smile. They want to cuddle and hold you but I am the only one you want right now. I want to share your cuteness with the world.
I've been trying to find ways to comfort you. We have tried gas drops, gripe water, tummy time, massage and then I got an idea of pushing your gas out using a stability ball. It works! The ball has some use even though I don't have the time for crunches right now.
It's not all bad though Chloe. There are moments of the day that make all the bad hours worth it. You love to take baths on your yellow foam mat. You relax and calm down like you're on a float in the French Riviera. You enjoy music and I can get you to giggle by doing the Hokey Pokey with you. You are strong, you have started flipping from stomach to back.
You have taught me about myself. I never thought I had patience. You proved me wrong. I have never known true, unconditional love until I met you. I have given up on people in my past. My love for you will never waver no matter how much you challenge me. I'll sit and rock you for hours on end if that is what you need. I'll try my best finding ways to make you happy and comfortable. We'll stop taking dinner invitations because you are more happy at home in the evenings. I will make any sacrifice for you. The moment I set eyes on you, I knew I wanted to make the best life possible for us. It's not all about me anymore, it's you and me kid. I have no doubt that this colic phase will pass. There will be better days ahead filled with your adorable impish grin that melts my heart.
A mother's love for her child is like
nothing else in the world. It knows no
law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes
down remorselessly all that stands in its path.
~ Agatha Christie
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Sinner and Saint
Yesterday, she was satan. Today, she's been an angel. Eating every 3-4 hours, not all day. I put her in the sling because I needed to clean house; vacuum, sweep/mop the kitchen and bathrooms. I decided to vacuum first and she started crying. After I got done with one room, her head started lulling back and forth each swipe I made with the vacuum.
I looked down and she was sound asleep. I felt like her neck would snap off when she reminded me of a weeble-wobble and it was just bobbing. I tried my best to not wake her by taking her out of the Snugli. I had to pry her out of it like a piece of gum stuck to your shoe. I thought for sure she'd wake up since I was pulling her like Gumby. Yesterday, if you placed her on the bed as if she were a fine piece of china, she would cry like her best friend just died. During her nap, I got the house clean and made brownies. The mixer running didn't even bother her. I think my child is bipolar.
The only bad part of today- I was on the way to pick up my used jogging stroller, it was getting a tune up. She farted hard, poop shot up her back and soiled her outfit. Luckily, next door there was a consignment shop and I bought her a new dress.
So, I learned two things today. Always have a spare outfit in the diaper bag in case of blowouts. Vacuum + sling= Sleep. It also is kills two birds with one stone. Can't hear the crying over a vacuum away. Maybe she gave up, she was "out-noised".
I looked down and she was sound asleep. I felt like her neck would snap off when she reminded me of a weeble-wobble and it was just bobbing. I tried my best to not wake her by taking her out of the Snugli. I had to pry her out of it like a piece of gum stuck to your shoe. I thought for sure she'd wake up since I was pulling her like Gumby. Yesterday, if you placed her on the bed as if she were a fine piece of china, she would cry like her best friend just died. During her nap, I got the house clean and made brownies. The mixer running didn't even bother her. I think my child is bipolar.
The only bad part of today- I was on the way to pick up my used jogging stroller, it was getting a tune up. She farted hard, poop shot up her back and soiled her outfit. Luckily, next door there was a consignment shop and I bought her a new dress.
So, I learned two things today. Always have a spare outfit in the diaper bag in case of blowouts. Vacuum + sling= Sleep. It also is kills two birds with one stone. Can't hear the crying over a vacuum away. Maybe she gave up, she was "out-noised".
Friday, April 18, 2008
So You Had A Bad Day...
Today has been very difficult. Chloe has been crying non-stop since 6:30am unless I am holding her, I have probably cried for about an hour myself. Jerry needed cookies for work and I wanted to make a fresh strawberry dessert. I had to let her cry while I tried to bake them since I couldn't hold her, I had no free hands. She doesn't stop, even after ten minutes.
Once I go over and pick her up, she immediately stops crying and would sometimes even smile. I would rock her and when she fell asleep, I'd put her down. Once she realized I wasn't holding her, she'd start screaming again. I was at my wit's end. It took over three hours to get the desserts made due to holding and rocking breaks.
I remember when I was sent home with her from the hospital, the nurse said, "Babies sleep 18 hours a day."
Hell ya! I thought, that gives me eight hours of sleep and ten hours of cleaning and free time.
I remember hearing motherhood is the hardest job. I wondered why it was so hard to take care of a baby that sleeps 18 hours. You just feed, change and burp them, right?
I'm nursing now and she's quiet. It's going on her 13th hour awake. She'd take catnaps during the day. Eight minutes was the longest, I timed it when I was baking cookies. It took eight minutes before she figured out I wasn't holding her anymore.
I thought about going back to work today, then I felt guilty. It's been that bad of a day. Work would seem like a piece of cake now. I don't think you can really grasp what's it's like to be a stay at home Mom until you have been there. I'm sometimes jealous of Jerry when he leaves for work. You have to have patience like a saint, stamina of Michael Jordon and be humble and selfless like Mother Theresa. I'm not getting paid, there are no thank you's. When I left work, I left all worries and stress, this is 24/7. It's tough but when she smiles at me, it's all worth it.
You know what the highlight of today was? Getting a shower and doing my workout video between her wailing. A thirty minute shoulder workout took over one hour due to pausing it to calm her.
So, bravo to all Mom's. I know I love my mom more after today, I probably put her through hell too.
Once I go over and pick her up, she immediately stops crying and would sometimes even smile. I would rock her and when she fell asleep, I'd put her down. Once she realized I wasn't holding her, she'd start screaming again. I was at my wit's end. It took over three hours to get the desserts made due to holding and rocking breaks.
I remember when I was sent home with her from the hospital, the nurse said, "Babies sleep 18 hours a day."
Hell ya! I thought, that gives me eight hours of sleep and ten hours of cleaning and free time.
I remember hearing motherhood is the hardest job. I wondered why it was so hard to take care of a baby that sleeps 18 hours. You just feed, change and burp them, right?
I'm nursing now and she's quiet. It's going on her 13th hour awake. She'd take catnaps during the day. Eight minutes was the longest, I timed it when I was baking cookies. It took eight minutes before she figured out I wasn't holding her anymore.
I thought about going back to work today, then I felt guilty. It's been that bad of a day. Work would seem like a piece of cake now. I don't think you can really grasp what's it's like to be a stay at home Mom until you have been there. I'm sometimes jealous of Jerry when he leaves for work. You have to have patience like a saint, stamina of Michael Jordon and be humble and selfless like Mother Theresa. I'm not getting paid, there are no thank you's. When I left work, I left all worries and stress, this is 24/7. It's tough but when she smiles at me, it's all worth it.
You know what the highlight of today was? Getting a shower and doing my workout video between her wailing. A thirty minute shoulder workout took over one hour due to pausing it to calm her.
So, bravo to all Mom's. I know I love my mom more after today, I probably put her through hell too.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Chloe's First Ba-Ba
The other day, I expressed breastmilk using the pump. It was a learning experience. I sterilized everything with boiling water. I spent 20 minutes pumping, ending with milk running down my stomach. I almost got 3oz, between the cleaning and pumping I spent over an hour. It's way easier to whip out a boob.
When Chloe was hungry, I warmed the liquid gold up in a pan. When I got the refrigerated breast milk out, it had a top layer of fat. It reminded me of the goat's milk. Feeding the baby goats, the six Dasani plastic water bottles heating up on the stove. Skimming goat's milk when I made ice-cream. I felt like a glorified nanny goat.
We have been worried that Chloe would reject the bottle because she loathes pacifiers. The pacifier war has escalated, if she is crying and you try to give her one, she gets louder. I got the message loud and clear a few weeks ago. I don't even attempt to give her a pacifier as a constellation prize. Daddy, on the other hand, likes to keep trying. I think it's a battle of the wills, and Chloe, I have no doubt you'll win. You got 2x the amount of stubbornness from both your father and I. You are stubborn to the highest power. When you start to cry you will not give up until your needs are met.
I tried to run errands today. It has to be a plan everytime I go out now. Feed you right before I leave, change your diaper, have my stops planned out so I'm usually home with 2-3 hours. On my way to the post office, you start wailing in the car. You do not stop. I think you are hungry because you didn't eat a lot before I left. So, I climb into the backseat with you and feed you for 15 minutes. I put you in the carseat and wobble into the post office. We get in the line and you let out a sudden wail that sound like a possessed, rabid lamb. The lady in front of us, jumped like you were about to take a bite of her ankles. Then, at the grocery store, in the frozen food section you scream like I beat you with a frozen turkey. This is where the first Ba-Ba experience enters the picture. It takes way longer to run simple errands with you. If I have to feed you, add 20 minutes. If I have to take you in and out of the carseat to hold and settle you down add 3-5.
Once your Dad tested the temperature of the bottle, you two headed to the loveseat. You were already mad because I was holding you and you were doing you "angry chicken peck"- you were hungry. So, when I handed you to your Dad with bottle in hand, you just cried harder.
"I am hungry!! He has no boobage! WWAAAAAAHHH- En Garde! Let the paci war begin!" When he put the nipple in your mouth, you fought this new plastic oral fixation device. Once you tasted the milk, it was on like Donkey Kong!
The look you gave your Dad as he fed you was priceless. "What is this? Daddy has a plastic milk factory??" He had the proud papa face on too. He even switched sides like I do when I'm breastfeeding. You sucked so hard you made the nipple flat and had to open your mouth so it would refill with air. You caught on quick and in less than five minutes the bottle was empty. It seemed like you wanted to "help hold the bottle". I have always loved your Dad's hands and to see you two working together was heartwarming.
After that fast, super sized meal, you were zonked. You slept for almost four hours. I pumped again this morning and I have four ounces waiting in the fridge for your late night meal with Dad.
When Chloe was hungry, I warmed the liquid gold up in a pan. When I got the refrigerated breast milk out, it had a top layer of fat. It reminded me of the goat's milk. Feeding the baby goats, the six Dasani plastic water bottles heating up on the stove. Skimming goat's milk when I made ice-cream. I felt like a glorified nanny goat.
We have been worried that Chloe would reject the bottle because she loathes pacifiers. The pacifier war has escalated, if she is crying and you try to give her one, she gets louder. I got the message loud and clear a few weeks ago. I don't even attempt to give her a pacifier as a constellation prize. Daddy, on the other hand, likes to keep trying. I think it's a battle of the wills, and Chloe, I have no doubt you'll win. You got 2x the amount of stubbornness from both your father and I. You are stubborn to the highest power. When you start to cry you will not give up until your needs are met.
I tried to run errands today. It has to be a plan everytime I go out now. Feed you right before I leave, change your diaper, have my stops planned out so I'm usually home with 2-3 hours. On my way to the post office, you start wailing in the car. You do not stop. I think you are hungry because you didn't eat a lot before I left. So, I climb into the backseat with you and feed you for 15 minutes. I put you in the carseat and wobble into the post office. We get in the line and you let out a sudden wail that sound like a possessed, rabid lamb. The lady in front of us, jumped like you were about to take a bite of her ankles. Then, at the grocery store, in the frozen food section you scream like I beat you with a frozen turkey. This is where the first Ba-Ba experience enters the picture. It takes way longer to run simple errands with you. If I have to feed you, add 20 minutes. If I have to take you in and out of the carseat to hold and settle you down add 3-5.
Once your Dad tested the temperature of the bottle, you two headed to the loveseat. You were already mad because I was holding you and you were doing you "angry chicken peck"- you were hungry. So, when I handed you to your Dad with bottle in hand, you just cried harder.
"I am hungry!! He has no boobage! WWAAAAAAHHH- En Garde! Let the paci war begin!" When he put the nipple in your mouth, you fought this new plastic oral fixation device. Once you tasted the milk, it was on like Donkey Kong!
The look you gave your Dad as he fed you was priceless. "What is this? Daddy has a plastic milk factory??" He had the proud papa face on too. He even switched sides like I do when I'm breastfeeding. You sucked so hard you made the nipple flat and had to open your mouth so it would refill with air. You caught on quick and in less than five minutes the bottle was empty. It seemed like you wanted to "help hold the bottle". I have always loved your Dad's hands and to see you two working together was heartwarming.
After that fast, super sized meal, you were zonked. You slept for almost four hours. I pumped again this morning and I have four ounces waiting in the fridge for your late night meal with Dad.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Her First Nickname
My sister Val came to visit this weekend with her kids, Cameron(4) and Megan (7).
She told me a funny story. One evening at the dinner table, her husband said he was getting his haircut on Friday.
Megan said, "Daddy, please don't get a hair cut."
"Why shouldn't I get a haircut Megan?" Carey asked, "The back is getting long and curling up."
"Yeah, but the top of your hair is falling out and and I don't want your to go BALD!" Megan replied.
Poor Carey, he just had his 40th birthday and his hair is receeding. His daughter telling him he's going bald couldn't have been a big ego boost. My sister said she was cracking up too.
Cameron, the four year old chimes in, "Mommy what's bald? Why is Daddy going bald? Is he sick?"
"No, Cameron, Daddy's fine. Bald is when your hair thins or starts to fall out, there is just skin on your head." Val explained.
"OOOOhhhhh, bald is like Glowbee!" Cameron said.
"What is Glowbee?" asked Val.
"You know, Glowbee! You are always talking about her now."
"Who is Glowbee?" Val asked again.
Cameron sighed, "You know Glowbee, I saw her pictures on the internet."
"Pictures on the internet? What are you talking about Cameron?" Val questioned.
"Glowbee! Aunt Chelle's baby is named Globee! Don't you remember Mom?"
:)
I love my little, bald Glowbee!
She told me a funny story. One evening at the dinner table, her husband said he was getting his haircut on Friday.
Megan said, "Daddy, please don't get a hair cut."
"Why shouldn't I get a haircut Megan?" Carey asked, "The back is getting long and curling up."
"Yeah, but the top of your hair is falling out and and I don't want your to go BALD!" Megan replied.
Poor Carey, he just had his 40th birthday and his hair is receeding. His daughter telling him he's going bald couldn't have been a big ego boost. My sister said she was cracking up too.
Cameron, the four year old chimes in, "Mommy what's bald? Why is Daddy going bald? Is he sick?"
"No, Cameron, Daddy's fine. Bald is when your hair thins or starts to fall out, there is just skin on your head." Val explained.
"OOOOhhhhh, bald is like Glowbee!" Cameron said.
"What is Glowbee?" asked Val.
"You know, Glowbee! You are always talking about her now."
"Who is Glowbee?" Val asked again.
Cameron sighed, "You know Glowbee, I saw her pictures on the internet."
"Pictures on the internet? What are you talking about Cameron?" Val questioned.
"Glowbee! Aunt Chelle's baby is named Globee! Don't you remember Mom?"
:)
I love my little, bald Glowbee!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
A Month of Wonderful
Dear Chloe,
One month ago, your Dad was encouraging me to push when he saw your cabbage patch kid tuft of hair.
The pain of labor and delivery has faded. I'm more comfortable now and I've enjoyed the last two weeks with you. My oldest sister, your Aunt Deb, came and visited us for Easter. She brought us all sorts of goodies; food, blankets, toys, a jogging stroller, a breast pump and the beloved rocking chair. You love to be rocked. In the wee hours of the morning, at your 3am and 6am feedings, I'll stumble into the living room and rock while you nurse.
When your cord completely fell off, I got to start giving you real baths. I tried the plastic baby bath tub but you'd tilt your head to the side and drink the bath water. It also bothered me because you weren't getting rinsed off after sitting in dirty bath water. When I take a bath, I get into the shower afterwards to lather up and rinse again. I decided the kitchen sink would be the ideal bathing environment for you. I fill up one side of the sink with your bath water, lather you up and rinse you on the other side with the sprayer. Now, this is a hot topic with your Dad and I. He thinks it's torture when I spray you off. He'll actually leave the kitchen when I'm bathing you. You actually like the rinse cycle of the bath or are shocked because you don't make a peep when I hose you down.
We went to Grandpa's house for Easter dinner. Look at the size of his paws holding you! I think you got your monkey hands and feet from him.
Everytime we go out to dinner, when the food is put on the table you start to act up. I swear I think you can smell the food. I will leave the table and sit in another room and feed you first. I don't mind really, it's our special quiet time. We can listen to everyone talking and I've come to realize that meals aren't as important to me as they once were.
We went to your Dad's moms' house one evening and she fixed a down home southern dinner. Pot roast, mashed potatoes, green beans, mac and cheese, a chicken and broccoli braid, baby carrots and her famous biscuits. After I ate that rich meal, you wanted to nurse almost all night long, guess you thought it was good too.
So many people love you, Chloe. You haven't even uttered a word but you have a fan club. Your Dad, my parents, Dad's parents and my sisters are your number one fans. Grammie Penny calls you fatty pig-pig. It's not meant as an insult, it's words of endearment. She just can't believe you came out of me. You are already wearing 3 month old clothes! You were blowing up newborn diapers at week two.
We went on our first trip alone to Walmart alone together yesterday. I was real nervous about it. Should I put your carseat in the top of the cart or inside? What if you started crying while I was shopping? So, we made it to the chip/junkfood isle and then you started melting down. I was standing stil because I ran into one of my dog training friends. You didn't appreciate the cart stopping, you liked watching the florescent lights rolling above you. I had to take you out of the carseat and carry you while pushing the cart. You settled down and I decided to get a pedicure! That part was easy because I could hold and nurse you while they worked on my piggies. It was good to get out with you, people ohhhed and ahhhed over you. "She's so tiny", "Look at her eyes", "She's beautiful". I was one proud Mama.
Speaking of dogs, I want you to meet and get pictures of you and Monty before he passes away. Monty was the reason I felt like one day, I'd be a good mama. When Monty was my very best companion for many years. I got him when he was only 6 weeks old, I grinded him raw chicken necks, I woke with him in the wee hours to let him out of his crate to potty, I took him to classes to become a therapy dog. We walked hundreds of miles together, he watched me laugh and cry. When I had to leave him for vacations, I'd go to the grocery store and buy all sorts of crazy things for him; gizzards, livers, hearts, kidneys to make him special stews.I'd call and check in on him. People would tell me I was spoiling him but he turned to the best dog I ever owned. I finally understood what unconditional love felt like. I still think of him daily. One day soon, we will pick up Monty and take him for a walk. Monty's leash in one of my hands and you wrapped in your baby sling. It will be a good day, a perfect circle.
People tell me I am spoiling you too, Chloe. I just ignore them because I know how Monty turned out. You probably will be my only child so why shouldn't I lavish all my attention on you? I respond to your every call. I feed you on demand. I let you sleep in our bed at night. I usually retire earlier than your Dad and he'll bring you into our bed and hold you on his chest until you fall asleep. Then, he'll place you in between us and we all sleep together like the three bears.
My heart is heavy because I know all too soon, I'll have to return to work. I have been carrying and caring for you for almost a year now. When I have to leave you, it will feel like severing a part of myself. It will hurt to watch your Dad give you your first bottle. Breastfeeding is a bond I have enjoyed. I probably will have an anxiety attack my first day of work. Will your caregiver understand your cries? Will they hold you when you need love? Will they leave you in a dirty diaper? Will they forgive you when you act like satan? I know my own mom probably had the same fears. For now, I'll hold on tightly to you and enjoy our moments.
Three generations- Mom, Chloe and I.
One month ago, your Dad was encouraging me to push when he saw your cabbage patch kid tuft of hair.
The pain of labor and delivery has faded. I'm more comfortable now and I've enjoyed the last two weeks with you. My oldest sister, your Aunt Deb, came and visited us for Easter. She brought us all sorts of goodies; food, blankets, toys, a jogging stroller, a breast pump and the beloved rocking chair. You love to be rocked. In the wee hours of the morning, at your 3am and 6am feedings, I'll stumble into the living room and rock while you nurse.
When your cord completely fell off, I got to start giving you real baths. I tried the plastic baby bath tub but you'd tilt your head to the side and drink the bath water. It also bothered me because you weren't getting rinsed off after sitting in dirty bath water. When I take a bath, I get into the shower afterwards to lather up and rinse again. I decided the kitchen sink would be the ideal bathing environment for you. I fill up one side of the sink with your bath water, lather you up and rinse you on the other side with the sprayer. Now, this is a hot topic with your Dad and I. He thinks it's torture when I spray you off. He'll actually leave the kitchen when I'm bathing you. You actually like the rinse cycle of the bath or are shocked because you don't make a peep when I hose you down.
We went to Grandpa's house for Easter dinner. Look at the size of his paws holding you! I think you got your monkey hands and feet from him.
Everytime we go out to dinner, when the food is put on the table you start to act up. I swear I think you can smell the food. I will leave the table and sit in another room and feed you first. I don't mind really, it's our special quiet time. We can listen to everyone talking and I've come to realize that meals aren't as important to me as they once were.
We went to your Dad's moms' house one evening and she fixed a down home southern dinner. Pot roast, mashed potatoes, green beans, mac and cheese, a chicken and broccoli braid, baby carrots and her famous biscuits. After I ate that rich meal, you wanted to nurse almost all night long, guess you thought it was good too.
So many people love you, Chloe. You haven't even uttered a word but you have a fan club. Your Dad, my parents, Dad's parents and my sisters are your number one fans. Grammie Penny calls you fatty pig-pig. It's not meant as an insult, it's words of endearment. She just can't believe you came out of me. You are already wearing 3 month old clothes! You were blowing up newborn diapers at week two.
We went on our first trip alone to Walmart alone together yesterday. I was real nervous about it. Should I put your carseat in the top of the cart or inside? What if you started crying while I was shopping? So, we made it to the chip/junkfood isle and then you started melting down. I was standing stil because I ran into one of my dog training friends. You didn't appreciate the cart stopping, you liked watching the florescent lights rolling above you. I had to take you out of the carseat and carry you while pushing the cart. You settled down and I decided to get a pedicure! That part was easy because I could hold and nurse you while they worked on my piggies. It was good to get out with you, people ohhhed and ahhhed over you. "She's so tiny", "Look at her eyes", "She's beautiful". I was one proud Mama.
Speaking of dogs, I want you to meet and get pictures of you and Monty before he passes away. Monty was the reason I felt like one day, I'd be a good mama. When Monty was my very best companion for many years. I got him when he was only 6 weeks old, I grinded him raw chicken necks, I woke with him in the wee hours to let him out of his crate to potty, I took him to classes to become a therapy dog. We walked hundreds of miles together, he watched me laugh and cry. When I had to leave him for vacations, I'd go to the grocery store and buy all sorts of crazy things for him; gizzards, livers, hearts, kidneys to make him special stews.I'd call and check in on him. People would tell me I was spoiling him but he turned to the best dog I ever owned. I finally understood what unconditional love felt like. I still think of him daily. One day soon, we will pick up Monty and take him for a walk. Monty's leash in one of my hands and you wrapped in your baby sling. It will be a good day, a perfect circle.
People tell me I am spoiling you too, Chloe. I just ignore them because I know how Monty turned out. You probably will be my only child so why shouldn't I lavish all my attention on you? I respond to your every call. I feed you on demand. I let you sleep in our bed at night. I usually retire earlier than your Dad and he'll bring you into our bed and hold you on his chest until you fall asleep. Then, he'll place you in between us and we all sleep together like the three bears.
My heart is heavy because I know all too soon, I'll have to return to work. I have been carrying and caring for you for almost a year now. When I have to leave you, it will feel like severing a part of myself. It will hurt to watch your Dad give you your first bottle. Breastfeeding is a bond I have enjoyed. I probably will have an anxiety attack my first day of work. Will your caregiver understand your cries? Will they hold you when you need love? Will they leave you in a dirty diaper? Will they forgive you when you act like satan? I know my own mom probably had the same fears. For now, I'll hold on tightly to you and enjoy our moments.
Three generations- Mom, Chloe and I.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
One Month and Counting..............
Will the real Chloe please stand up.........
Please stand up..........
My Darling Daughter,
Your one month birthday is tomorrow. We are so blessed to have you in our lives. One of the tenets of your Mother and I's relationship is honesty. So I was compelled to include some unflattering pictures of you to show how you sometimes react to things. In the past month your personality has started to emerge. You grow bored of things fast, you don't like to sleep like Daddy unless the conditions are perfect. You get so mad when you don't get what you want right then, and your crying can be quite tenacious. Sometimes whenI hold you , you look around at things and study them. You like my black and white NY hat, you give me the strangest stares whenever I hold you and don't wear it. When you smile at me, my heart melts. I have gotten to actually like changing your diaper, whenever you lay on the changing table I talk to you like you might actually understand me. I always look forward to coming home from work, then I get to hold you and talk to your Mom and talk about our day. I think you act differently towards your mother, and you can distinguish which parent can supply which need. You sometimes scream your little head off, and I wish you could talk and share whatever it is that ails you. Last week you were hoarse for a day and a half because you had screamed for two days straight whenever you were awake. Sometimes I feel bad, because I know your Mom is with you 24 hours a day and I get a break from parenting by going to work. I try to help care for you whenever I am home, holding you and spending time with you has replaced my daily PS2 marathons.
Every day you are getting bigger, time seems to have gone by so fast. It seems like just a week ago we were driving home in Mrs. Ciel's truck bringing you home for the very first time. It was like starring in our very own "Bringing Home Baby" episode. When you get old enough to read this with understanding know that we have loved you from the start. Your Mom works really hard for you and has totally and completely dedicated herself and ALL of her time to caring for you. The months and years ahead and just the thought of raising you brings tears to my eyes. You, your Mom and I are going to have so much fun. I love you Chloe Jade Rivera :)
Please stand up..........
My Darling Daughter,
Your one month birthday is tomorrow. We are so blessed to have you in our lives. One of the tenets of your Mother and I's relationship is honesty. So I was compelled to include some unflattering pictures of you to show how you sometimes react to things. In the past month your personality has started to emerge. You grow bored of things fast, you don't like to sleep like Daddy unless the conditions are perfect. You get so mad when you don't get what you want right then, and your crying can be quite tenacious. Sometimes whenI hold you , you look around at things and study them. You like my black and white NY hat, you give me the strangest stares whenever I hold you and don't wear it. When you smile at me, my heart melts. I have gotten to actually like changing your diaper, whenever you lay on the changing table I talk to you like you might actually understand me. I always look forward to coming home from work, then I get to hold you and talk to your Mom and talk about our day. I think you act differently towards your mother, and you can distinguish which parent can supply which need. You sometimes scream your little head off, and I wish you could talk and share whatever it is that ails you. Last week you were hoarse for a day and a half because you had screamed for two days straight whenever you were awake. Sometimes I feel bad, because I know your Mom is with you 24 hours a day and I get a break from parenting by going to work. I try to help care for you whenever I am home, holding you and spending time with you has replaced my daily PS2 marathons.
Every day you are getting bigger, time seems to have gone by so fast. It seems like just a week ago we were driving home in Mrs. Ciel's truck bringing you home for the very first time. It was like starring in our very own "Bringing Home Baby" episode. When you get old enough to read this with understanding know that we have loved you from the start. Your Mom works really hard for you and has totally and completely dedicated herself and ALL of her time to caring for you. The months and years ahead and just the thought of raising you brings tears to my eyes. You, your Mom and I are going to have so much fun. I love you Chloe Jade Rivera :)
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