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Thursday, August 30, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I Don't Mind
I think I'll be one of the women that enjoy pregnancy. Maybe because I have wanted a baby for a long time and doubted that I could conceive. I suppose I feel blessed. I actually have a sense of peace and calm. I don't get upset as easily now. It's a big joke at work, people try to push my buttons to try to make me mad. They want a reaction. They can't stand it when I just smile and say, "I don't mind."
I don't mind that I'm sometimes nauseated. I've been through worse. When I was on chemo the nausea was 100 times stronger. I was fighting for my life. Now, when I feel sick, I'm relieved to know this is a normal part of pregnancy. Instead of fighting death, my body is working to create a life.
I don't mind that my boobs are sore. Every time I roll over at night and the soreness awakens me, I think about what a wonderful bonding experience I will have feeding you. I think about my goats and remember that the kids that thrived were the ones that were nursed by Mama. I will provide you will the best start too. I don't mind when I'm told that my breasts will resemble deflated water balloons when I'm done breast feeding you. They resembled sunny side up eggs before I conceived you. Balloons are more fun than eggs!
I don't mind when people tell me I'll ruin my figure by having you. I'm more than my body. Carrying you for nine months is a wonderful gift and adventure. I have never really enjoyed compliments about my physical body. When I was going though chemo, I felt like my body had betrayed me. I realized my body was just my shell and I refused to be vain and shallow again. I'm excited to see you growing and making my tummy pooch out. I can't wait until I have a big, round belly. I'll rub it and laugh just like Buddha. I'm still wearing my size 5 jeans. Maybe in a month, I'll never wear them again. It's okay though, I won't mind. My body may change permanently but so will my heart and soul because I will be your mother.
I don't mind that I can't afford brand new, coordinating baby gear. One of my girlfriends at work called me on her way home, one of her neighbors was throwing out a baby bassinet and bouncy seat.
"Michelle, would you mind if I brought over some used baby furniture tomorrow? I didn't know if you'd upset if I brought you something recycled, it's in great condition though."
"Of course I don't mind!"
The next day Terri brought over an adorable Noah's arc bassinet and Winnie the Pooh bouncy seat. She had spent her afternoon after work washing and bleaching the items. She even put new batteries in the bouncy seat. Terri lit up like the blinking lights when she turned it on. It vibrated and started playing the "Winnie the Pooh" theme song. Terri's gifts meant more to me than if she'd bought me something brand new. She thought of us on her way home after a long day waiting tables. It required effort to wash and bleach the plastic and fabric. She told me how she struggled trying to reassemble the bassinet and getting the ruffles just right(she had to call her neighbor for help).
And you know what baby, I bet you won't mind that you'll have a hodge podge of baby gear. I think you'll find it more interesting. Pooh Bear in your bouncy seat, zebras, sheep and Noah in your bassinet and the giraffes in your infant carseat that Jerry's boss gave to us. You'll have a menagerie. I will teach you that happiness doesn't come from material things. I will show you happiness by giving you all my love.
I don't mind that I'm sometimes nauseated. I've been through worse. When I was on chemo the nausea was 100 times stronger. I was fighting for my life. Now, when I feel sick, I'm relieved to know this is a normal part of pregnancy. Instead of fighting death, my body is working to create a life.
I don't mind that my boobs are sore. Every time I roll over at night and the soreness awakens me, I think about what a wonderful bonding experience I will have feeding you. I think about my goats and remember that the kids that thrived were the ones that were nursed by Mama. I will provide you will the best start too. I don't mind when I'm told that my breasts will resemble deflated water balloons when I'm done breast feeding you. They resembled sunny side up eggs before I conceived you. Balloons are more fun than eggs!
I don't mind when people tell me I'll ruin my figure by having you. I'm more than my body. Carrying you for nine months is a wonderful gift and adventure. I have never really enjoyed compliments about my physical body. When I was going though chemo, I felt like my body had betrayed me. I realized my body was just my shell and I refused to be vain and shallow again. I'm excited to see you growing and making my tummy pooch out. I can't wait until I have a big, round belly. I'll rub it and laugh just like Buddha. I'm still wearing my size 5 jeans. Maybe in a month, I'll never wear them again. It's okay though, I won't mind. My body may change permanently but so will my heart and soul because I will be your mother.
I don't mind that I can't afford brand new, coordinating baby gear. One of my girlfriends at work called me on her way home, one of her neighbors was throwing out a baby bassinet and bouncy seat.
"Michelle, would you mind if I brought over some used baby furniture tomorrow? I didn't know if you'd upset if I brought you something recycled, it's in great condition though."
"Of course I don't mind!"
The next day Terri brought over an adorable Noah's arc bassinet and Winnie the Pooh bouncy seat. She had spent her afternoon after work washing and bleaching the items. She even put new batteries in the bouncy seat. Terri lit up like the blinking lights when she turned it on. It vibrated and started playing the "Winnie the Pooh" theme song. Terri's gifts meant more to me than if she'd bought me something brand new. She thought of us on her way home after a long day waiting tables. It required effort to wash and bleach the plastic and fabric. She told me how she struggled trying to reassemble the bassinet and getting the ruffles just right(she had to call her neighbor for help).
And you know what baby, I bet you won't mind that you'll have a hodge podge of baby gear. I think you'll find it more interesting. Pooh Bear in your bouncy seat, zebras, sheep and Noah in your bassinet and the giraffes in your infant carseat that Jerry's boss gave to us. You'll have a menagerie. I will teach you that happiness doesn't come from material things. I will show you happiness by giving you all my love.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
My Little Lime
Dear Baby,
I'm in my 12th week now and you are the size of a lime. The last time I fondled a lime was about four months ago when I was making fresh mango margaritas. The party's over now kid! I am feeling better, I don't feel like I'm Mr. Yuck with his round, green face. The last time I actually threw up was about two weeks ago, as I was walking across the parking lot, ready to drive to work. I was sipping on a fruit smoothie when a wave a nausea hit me so hard, I ran into the grass to rid myself of the toxic smoothie. Your Dad came running over and patted me on the back. I was afraid he was going to step in my regurgitated smoothie. I haven't made any smoothies since.
I still have specific food cravings though. This doesn't surprise me because I have always known what I want to eat, what my body needs that day. Now, it's just intensified. A few nights ago, I was on a salad binge. Ruby Tuesday's salad bar made my day. It was the best salad bar I'd seen in a long time. They even had edamame soy beans. The next night, I had and awesome avocado and shrimp salad. My rabbit phase came to an end and I developed an intense desire for protein.
An item popped into my brain I hadn't though about since 4th grade. I'm almost ashamed to admit what I ate a few nights ago because they are pretty gross. I don't even know why I wanted or thought of them. Steak-Ums. Yep, that extremely thin beef, that is cooked in less that two minutes- leaving you a skillet full of grease. I told your Dad about my craving probably about five times that day so he went to the grocery store to find my "beef lard". When he came home with an armload of grocery bags, he looked scared. "I don't like shopping for you when you're having such specific cravings because I couldn't find Steak-Ums and I feel bad." My heart hit the floor. No Steak-Ums? "But, I found these." He whips out a gourmet brand of Steak-UMs, 100% beef. My hero! We sat and ate gourmet Steak-Ums that night, grease dripping down our chins onto our t-shirts.
Your dad is real awesome about going to all the OB/GYN visits with me. Last week, I had to have the dreaded internal exam. All my blood work came back normal, I'm blood type A+ and I'm immune to german measles. Facts I didn't know about myself. I was then given a robe with boobie holes to change into. Your Dad started inspecting the items on the metal tray. "What's that? It looks painful! It's a like a stick with a round, metal brush on the end." That's all it took, I started crying.
I don't know why but these exams create lots of anxiety for me. It's embarrassing and humiliating, I'd rather run down the street naked than be poked, brushed and prodded in my privates. Your Dad felt real bad, he hugged me and said he didn't mean to upset me. It really wasn't his fault, he'd never been in a room or seen a woman getting a full internal exam. Quite honestly, I didn't know they even used a wired pipe cleaner because I close my eyes. Your Dad's eyes almost popped out of his head when the doctor came in a uncovered the speculum. He hadn't seen that earlier because they hid it. He came running over to the table, held my hands and almost laid across me as if he was shielding me from a bomb. I closed my eyes and blanked everything else out expect the doctor who kept repeating, "Relax your buttocks, relax your muscles and this will be much more pleasant." Yah, I'm sure if I just released my kegels, I'd be having as much fun as Goofy at Disneyland.
The the silver lining to that traumatic visit was that I will only have to go through that once more near the end of my pregnancy and we heard your heartbeat! The doctor used a doppler and rolled it over my stomach. She couldn't find your little heart for awhile. Your Dad looked real worried because all she could hear was my bowels digesting Subway. She finally found you hiding in the upper right side of my uterus. Your heart reminded me of a horse galloping. Your little heart was beating at 160bpm. I will not forget the look of joy in your Dad's eyes when he got to hear that you were alive. It was a touching moment.
I'm sick with a cold today, so I am home from work because I can't take medicine to help with my symptoms. It will be good old comforting chicken pot pie tonight, baby!
I'm in my 12th week now and you are the size of a lime. The last time I fondled a lime was about four months ago when I was making fresh mango margaritas. The party's over now kid! I am feeling better, I don't feel like I'm Mr. Yuck with his round, green face. The last time I actually threw up was about two weeks ago, as I was walking across the parking lot, ready to drive to work. I was sipping on a fruit smoothie when a wave a nausea hit me so hard, I ran into the grass to rid myself of the toxic smoothie. Your Dad came running over and patted me on the back. I was afraid he was going to step in my regurgitated smoothie. I haven't made any smoothies since.
I still have specific food cravings though. This doesn't surprise me because I have always known what I want to eat, what my body needs that day. Now, it's just intensified. A few nights ago, I was on a salad binge. Ruby Tuesday's salad bar made my day. It was the best salad bar I'd seen in a long time. They even had edamame soy beans. The next night, I had and awesome avocado and shrimp salad. My rabbit phase came to an end and I developed an intense desire for protein.
An item popped into my brain I hadn't though about since 4th grade. I'm almost ashamed to admit what I ate a few nights ago because they are pretty gross. I don't even know why I wanted or thought of them. Steak-Ums. Yep, that extremely thin beef, that is cooked in less that two minutes- leaving you a skillet full of grease. I told your Dad about my craving probably about five times that day so he went to the grocery store to find my "beef lard". When he came home with an armload of grocery bags, he looked scared. "I don't like shopping for you when you're having such specific cravings because I couldn't find Steak-Ums and I feel bad." My heart hit the floor. No Steak-Ums? "But, I found these." He whips out a gourmet brand of Steak-UMs, 100% beef. My hero! We sat and ate gourmet Steak-Ums that night, grease dripping down our chins onto our t-shirts.
Your dad is real awesome about going to all the OB/GYN visits with me. Last week, I had to have the dreaded internal exam. All my blood work came back normal, I'm blood type A+ and I'm immune to german measles. Facts I didn't know about myself. I was then given a robe with boobie holes to change into. Your Dad started inspecting the items on the metal tray. "What's that? It looks painful! It's a like a stick with a round, metal brush on the end." That's all it took, I started crying.
I don't know why but these exams create lots of anxiety for me. It's embarrassing and humiliating, I'd rather run down the street naked than be poked, brushed and prodded in my privates. Your Dad felt real bad, he hugged me and said he didn't mean to upset me. It really wasn't his fault, he'd never been in a room or seen a woman getting a full internal exam. Quite honestly, I didn't know they even used a wired pipe cleaner because I close my eyes. Your Dad's eyes almost popped out of his head when the doctor came in a uncovered the speculum. He hadn't seen that earlier because they hid it. He came running over to the table, held my hands and almost laid across me as if he was shielding me from a bomb. I closed my eyes and blanked everything else out expect the doctor who kept repeating, "Relax your buttocks, relax your muscles and this will be much more pleasant." Yah, I'm sure if I just released my kegels, I'd be having as much fun as Goofy at Disneyland.
The the silver lining to that traumatic visit was that I will only have to go through that once more near the end of my pregnancy and we heard your heartbeat! The doctor used a doppler and rolled it over my stomach. She couldn't find your little heart for awhile. Your Dad looked real worried because all she could hear was my bowels digesting Subway. She finally found you hiding in the upper right side of my uterus. Your heart reminded me of a horse galloping. Your little heart was beating at 160bpm. I will not forget the look of joy in your Dad's eyes when he got to hear that you were alive. It was a touching moment.
I'm sick with a cold today, so I am home from work because I can't take medicine to help with my symptoms. It will be good old comforting chicken pot pie tonight, baby!
Sunday, August 19, 2007
I think I thought I saw you..........
It's an R.E.M. song from when I was growing up, but I changed one of the words to fit the "current" events. Whenever your mom finishes eating you seem to be cutting flips in your Mom's uterus, and I want to sing that verse: "I think I thought I saw you move". It's a little hard to believe, that inside the little "poochie" belly your Mom has now is a new life. I am such a Nazi when it comes to you, I constantly preach to your Mother about how we should watch what we say just on the off chance that you might actually hear us, and how our language and communication are going to have to be irrevocably changed in order to give you the best possible environment to grow up in. We are looking for a new place to move to, one thing I am most excited about is being able to decorate a room just for you. I want to paint the room like a sky, with light blue as a background and clouds and sunshine. It has also crossed my mind to change the face plates on the light switches and sockets, there are so many thoughts running through my head about this project. Maybe it is because your mom is doing the hard part, having to endure all these physical changes, that I am searching for a way to contribute also. I feel like since I donated my half of the chromosones I have been on break. Don't get me wrong, there are many things I do daily to try and make your Mom comfortable, but somehow it just doesn't feel like it's enough. you are growing inside of her, and I cannot imagine the toll it must take on her. But she doesn't complain, and even with her new "poochie" belly she is still so beautiful. She has had this look of love in her eyes ever since we found out, we have been so blessed.
Your mom is probably going to get onto me about saying "poochie" belly so many times. She has always been so beautiful, and the changes that carrying you has produced only add to that. But I know it's hard on her, because she had a perfect, and I mean PERFECT figure when I met her. See your mom was a competing tri-athlete last year, and was in excellent physical condition. Before she got pregnant I began working out with her at the gym and I could barely keep up. And it was so funny because I would be so sore the next day and she would poke me wherever I was the sorest and just laugh. I honestly think that when your Mom and I got together she made it her goal to introduce me to a healthier way of eating and living, and part of the reason we concieved is because she got me back into good health. I can't wait for us to cook for you the way we have for each other, you will eat well as you grow up. And in a few years I will have a new buddy to help me with the dishes.
Next March, in the spring, you will finally arrive. Spring has always been my favorite season, when the flowers start blooming and the dew is on the grass in the mornings. Now it will be more special, because every year at that time we will get to celebrate our lives being blessed with you! Your Mom used to say that I would cling to her like a Baby Spider Monkey, but now you get to do that. And this is a new chapter in our lives, one in which I get to be a Dad.
Your mom is probably going to get onto me about saying "poochie" belly so many times. She has always been so beautiful, and the changes that carrying you has produced only add to that. But I know it's hard on her, because she had a perfect, and I mean PERFECT figure when I met her. See your mom was a competing tri-athlete last year, and was in excellent physical condition. Before she got pregnant I began working out with her at the gym and I could barely keep up. And it was so funny because I would be so sore the next day and she would poke me wherever I was the sorest and just laugh. I honestly think that when your Mom and I got together she made it her goal to introduce me to a healthier way of eating and living, and part of the reason we concieved is because she got me back into good health. I can't wait for us to cook for you the way we have for each other, you will eat well as you grow up. And in a few years I will have a new buddy to help me with the dishes.
Next March, in the spring, you will finally arrive. Spring has always been my favorite season, when the flowers start blooming and the dew is on the grass in the mornings. Now it will be more special, because every year at that time we will get to celebrate our lives being blessed with you! Your Mom used to say that I would cling to her like a Baby Spider Monkey, but now you get to do that. And this is a new chapter in our lives, one in which I get to be a Dad.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Week 10 and Counting.....
It's the end of week 10 and you are growing rapidly in your mother's womb. It has been an interesting time to say the least. I wonder if you are a boy or a girl, no matter what we will love you just the same. I think that is the hardest adjustment of all, knowing that once you are finally here our lives will be forever changed. It is a welcome change, we look forward to watching you grow, playing with you, holding you in our arms. My neighbor struggles to raise his kids from his cell phone, I am grateful to your mother that I won't have to endure that. I just pray that I can be the best Dad that I can possibly be. Your mother and I both had strained relationships with our parents growing up, and those memories are probably going to be the thing that gives us extra incentive to be and do the best we can for you. I think that's what a parents love is trully about, thinking less about yourself and more about what would be best for your child.
Thursday your Mom told her mom about you. It was a pretty big thing, because we both were wary of her reaction and didn't know how she would take the news. I am very proud of her for doing so. You should know that your Mom is an amazing woman with a wonderful heart. Over the course of my lifetime I have wanted to be a Father and a husband, but it never came to fruition. Not until I met your Mother, and I know why. No other woman could have loved me the way your Mother does, and I couldn't not have shared something so wonderful with anyone else. When we first got together, there were so many things that we shared that let us know that this was more than coincidence, moe than just a random crossing of two paths.
Some time in the future to come I hope that you will read these posts and know just how much we loved you even before you left the womb. The only scary part of all this is going to be the delivery. Your mom was watching birthing videos on YouTube the other day and I have to admit it was a little un-nerving. It looks really painful, I pray that your mom opts for the epidural so she doen't suffer unnecessarily. Regardless I will be there for her, I am looking forward to seeing you come into the world, and holding you for the first time. I can't wait!
Thursday your Mom told her mom about you. It was a pretty big thing, because we both were wary of her reaction and didn't know how she would take the news. I am very proud of her for doing so. You should know that your Mom is an amazing woman with a wonderful heart. Over the course of my lifetime I have wanted to be a Father and a husband, but it never came to fruition. Not until I met your Mother, and I know why. No other woman could have loved me the way your Mother does, and I couldn't not have shared something so wonderful with anyone else. When we first got together, there were so many things that we shared that let us know that this was more than coincidence, moe than just a random crossing of two paths.
Some time in the future to come I hope that you will read these posts and know just how much we loved you even before you left the womb. The only scary part of all this is going to be the delivery. Your mom was watching birthing videos on YouTube the other day and I have to admit it was a little un-nerving. It looks really painful, I pray that your mom opts for the epidural so she doen't suffer unnecessarily. Regardless I will be there for her, I am looking forward to seeing you come into the world, and holding you for the first time. I can't wait!
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