In my pocket, at all times, I carry around the first sonogram of you. The nurse told us your were the size of a lentil, or butterbean, inside this little sac in your mom's uterus. When the nurse pointed you out on the monitor tears of pride welled up in my eyes. I held back the tears, but only to be strong for your mother. I wanted so bad to let the tears flow. I can't begin to share all the emotions that went through me that day, or that hit me at odd times ever since. They range from being happy, proud, feeling blessed, and an overwhelming curiousity about you. Will you be a girl, a boy? Will you look like your mother, will you favor me, or look like both of us.
My boss told me last night that this will change my life, my priorities, and that this is a defining moment in both your Mother and my life. You are a blessing from above, a gift of love to two people who could not love each other more. I don't think I could love anyone more than your mother, or share the kind of relationship I do with her. You are going to be a very lucky child, your Mother's and my life experiences are going to provide you with an amazing environment of love and care that not every child recieves.
Your Mom is going through a lot of changes right now, I work nights so I miss her terribly. I don't plan on working nights through her entire pregnancy, it's important to me that I be there for her, especially as time passes and she needs more help with things. I am so proud of her, she has done a lot of changing already. Nothing could have seperated her and her evening cocktails, and we had a few confrontations on the matter. But for you, she quit cold turkey. She is very diligent about taking her prenatal vitamins, making healthy shakes before going to work, and eating the healthiest of dinners. Even though she doesn't need to hear it, I constantly remind her that you have no choice what she takes in, but that everything she takes in is consumed by you as a well. I probably can be a bit overbearing, but I love your Mother and you too much to be silent.
Some day you will be able to read this, and I hope you know just how much you already mean to us. The changes that come from being a couple to being a family are strengthening the bond between your Mother and I. We went out to eat chinese buffet the other night. Your Mom asked me to save you the fortunes from the fortune cookies, because it was the first time we went and you were with us. The chinese astrology calendar said you would be born in the year of the Rat. Your Mom is a Dragon and I am a Snake. We are going to make a pretty interesting trio!
A couple of days ago our pregnancy books that your Mom ordered off of E-bay arrived. Inside was a letter of congratulations from the seller, and your first stuffed animal. Your Mom isn't too big on stuffed animals for herself, but it is the cutest purple dog. Whenever I am home I hold it and say"Lovies for the baby", hoping that in March I will get to hold you like that.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Thursday, July 12, 2007
The Magic Wand
I just finished eating a bowl of baby carrots with an organic apple cider vinegar dressing I made, this is been my evening snack the past few nights. Now, I'm craving vinegar flavored foods. Fruit shakes in the morning before work; made with OJ, plain yogurt, nectarines, bananas and mango. Even though I feel a little tired, this may be the best I've felt physically for a few months. I don't even miss my wine or diet coke. I never thought I could let go of those beverages. It was like Linus and his blanket from Peanuts. My wine, my sanity and security. Now, my beverage of choice is grapefruit, grape, cranberry or Naked juice mixed with seltzer water. Your Dad says that the watered down juice is nasty, he likes his straight up. He thinks you'll take after me and eat or create strange concoctions. You know, the way I cut my juice makes it cost effective. Considering two bottles of 100% cranberry juice costs $5.00 on sale!
Today was our first prenatal visit, I was very scared. I am scared of doctors, especially of doctors that want to put metal instruments in my vagina. I expressed this concern to your Dad this morning before our visit and had a mini panic attack. You see, I read a lot. The pregnancy books I bought from E-bay arrived yesterday and I read for about two hours last night. I read about birth defects and what to expect on your first prenatal visit. It sounded like I was going to be interrogated, poked and prodded and cold, metal objects would be used to torture me. I thought they were going to tell me you were deformed or even dead. I sometimes think I'd be better off if I didn't do so much research because I work myself all up expecting the worse.
Your Dad held me while I was having my meltdown and told me everything would be okay. He would be right by my side when they examined me and it made me feel better. I soaked in the bath for awhile and shaved. I even gave my vagina a haircut since the gynos love to tell me to open my legs wider or scoot my butt down to the end of the table so I'm millemeters away from their face. After an hour of grooming, we left for the appointment.
When we arrived, they informed me I would have my first ultrasound. They weren't going to internally examine me until my next visit. It was like fifty bags of sugar were lifted from my shoulders and I was actually excited. After sitting in the waiting room, we were taken into a dark room with a TV screen. I laid on the table and a woman put cold lube on my belly and then she ran a mouse like contraption over my belly. She was pressing down hard. She said you were inside a nice egg sac. I only could make out a black hole. She then told me she wanted a better look and to go into the bathroom and take off my panties. Oh NO, here comes the torture techniques, I thought to myself as I headed to the bathroom with my paper sheet.
When I laid back down on the table, she whips out a condomed wand coated in lube. I darted my eyes toward your Dad like a deer caught in headlights and he came over to hold my hand. He looked as nervous as I felt because he later told me he saw the nurse condom and lube up the wand. I squeeezed your Dad's hand while the nurse put it in my vagina. I held my breathe at stared at the monitor. It felt like the nurse was trying to reach into my stomach with her wand. But then, we saw you. It was like looking through a telescope. She said, "There is your baby, it's the size of a butter bean. See?" For a few moments, I forgot about the wand and looked at you, my little butter bean. Then, she checked out your heart rate. Your little heart was beating 100 beats per minute. The nurse told me you'd probably arrive around March 6, 2008.
We checked out after watching a first time parents' video and I go back in two weeks for the real deal pre-natal work up. I have two weeks to stress about it now, damn it! Your Dad and I were starving so we went and ate some Mexican food for lunch. We got tower burritos and it contained some black beans. I thought about you while I was eating lunch and I commented that you were about the size of the legume on his plate. He plucked up the bean and ate it! I know he'll make you laugh too.
Dad's working at night right now and I miss him. I love to cook but it's not the same when he's gone. It's really not fun to eat alone. I am sometimes tempted to get carry out because it's easier but I know it's not healthy for us. So, I cook dinner and leave his plate in the fridge for him when he comes home. Tonight, I have a big pot of chili on the stove, in honor of you. I have four types of beans in the chili, dark red kidney beans, black beans, pinto beans and spicy chili beans. You Dad will probably be relieved to work late tonight. After eating a bowl full of this chili, he'd probably need a gas mask to sleep next to me tonight.
Today was our first prenatal visit, I was very scared. I am scared of doctors, especially of doctors that want to put metal instruments in my vagina. I expressed this concern to your Dad this morning before our visit and had a mini panic attack. You see, I read a lot. The pregnancy books I bought from E-bay arrived yesterday and I read for about two hours last night. I read about birth defects and what to expect on your first prenatal visit. It sounded like I was going to be interrogated, poked and prodded and cold, metal objects would be used to torture me. I thought they were going to tell me you were deformed or even dead. I sometimes think I'd be better off if I didn't do so much research because I work myself all up expecting the worse.
Your Dad held me while I was having my meltdown and told me everything would be okay. He would be right by my side when they examined me and it made me feel better. I soaked in the bath for awhile and shaved. I even gave my vagina a haircut since the gynos love to tell me to open my legs wider or scoot my butt down to the end of the table so I'm millemeters away from their face. After an hour of grooming, we left for the appointment.
When we arrived, they informed me I would have my first ultrasound. They weren't going to internally examine me until my next visit. It was like fifty bags of sugar were lifted from my shoulders and I was actually excited. After sitting in the waiting room, we were taken into a dark room with a TV screen. I laid on the table and a woman put cold lube on my belly and then she ran a mouse like contraption over my belly. She was pressing down hard. She said you were inside a nice egg sac. I only could make out a black hole. She then told me she wanted a better look and to go into the bathroom and take off my panties. Oh NO, here comes the torture techniques, I thought to myself as I headed to the bathroom with my paper sheet.
When I laid back down on the table, she whips out a condomed wand coated in lube. I darted my eyes toward your Dad like a deer caught in headlights and he came over to hold my hand. He looked as nervous as I felt because he later told me he saw the nurse condom and lube up the wand. I squeeezed your Dad's hand while the nurse put it in my vagina. I held my breathe at stared at the monitor. It felt like the nurse was trying to reach into my stomach with her wand. But then, we saw you. It was like looking through a telescope. She said, "There is your baby, it's the size of a butter bean. See?" For a few moments, I forgot about the wand and looked at you, my little butter bean. Then, she checked out your heart rate. Your little heart was beating 100 beats per minute. The nurse told me you'd probably arrive around March 6, 2008.
We checked out after watching a first time parents' video and I go back in two weeks for the real deal pre-natal work up. I have two weeks to stress about it now, damn it! Your Dad and I were starving so we went and ate some Mexican food for lunch. We got tower burritos and it contained some black beans. I thought about you while I was eating lunch and I commented that you were about the size of the legume on his plate. He plucked up the bean and ate it! I know he'll make you laugh too.
Dad's working at night right now and I miss him. I love to cook but it's not the same when he's gone. It's really not fun to eat alone. I am sometimes tempted to get carry out because it's easier but I know it's not healthy for us. So, I cook dinner and leave his plate in the fridge for him when he comes home. Tonight, I have a big pot of chili on the stove, in honor of you. I have four types of beans in the chili, dark red kidney beans, black beans, pinto beans and spicy chili beans. You Dad will probably be relieved to work late tonight. After eating a bowl full of this chili, he'd probably need a gas mask to sleep next to me tonight.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
The Days Ahead
When I first met your mother I had no idea of where things would go between us. The first time we spent time together was at a local laundry mat. I was so nervous. We were supposed to meet to study the menu and prices at the restaraunt we worked at. Somehow we never did. We talked and shared that night, and in some ways that night laid the foundation for the life we share now. We have had some good times, and have learned a great deal about each other. No other woman has challenged me the way she has, or inspired the feelings I have for her inside of me.
So what does all this have to do with you? You came to be from the sharing of our love. Every day that passes the bond that is between your mother and I grows even more stronger. And we look at the future differently now, because of the blessing that is you. Bringing a child into the world is a gift that not everyone recieves. Lately your mother has shared with me some of the blogs she has read online about people who struggle, sometimes unsuccessfully, to become parents. It is sad, but at the same time it lets us know just how lucky we are. There are a lot of changes that will occur before next March, when you will make your way into the world. But with your Mom by my side, I look to the future with all its possibilities and I am excited. I wonder what you will look like, some times I lay in the bed in our room and stare at the family pictures from your Mom's childhood and try to imagine just how beautiful and precious you will be. Just last night I was telling your Mom how we are going to have to really be on top of our game as parents, if you are anything like her and I was growing up it is going to be interesting to say the least. But I would not miss it for the world.
Your Mom is going through a lot of changes right now, and even though I am not physically I have to admit pregnancy is a life altering experience. Your Mom is tired more than usual, and I have learned not to plan dinner until I know for sure what she is craving that particular night. We talk about you constantly, and whenever we hold each other or kiss it's like there is a newfound intesity to what was already a deep connection. I cannot wait for our E-bay books to get here, so I can learn more about the miracle that is you. I want to soak up all that knowledge that I can so that I can help your Mom and also so I can be the best Father that I can be.
So what does all this have to do with you? You came to be from the sharing of our love. Every day that passes the bond that is between your mother and I grows even more stronger. And we look at the future differently now, because of the blessing that is you. Bringing a child into the world is a gift that not everyone recieves. Lately your mother has shared with me some of the blogs she has read online about people who struggle, sometimes unsuccessfully, to become parents. It is sad, but at the same time it lets us know just how lucky we are. There are a lot of changes that will occur before next March, when you will make your way into the world. But with your Mom by my side, I look to the future with all its possibilities and I am excited. I wonder what you will look like, some times I lay in the bed in our room and stare at the family pictures from your Mom's childhood and try to imagine just how beautiful and precious you will be. Just last night I was telling your Mom how we are going to have to really be on top of our game as parents, if you are anything like her and I was growing up it is going to be interesting to say the least. But I would not miss it for the world.
Your Mom is going through a lot of changes right now, and even though I am not physically I have to admit pregnancy is a life altering experience. Your Mom is tired more than usual, and I have learned not to plan dinner until I know for sure what she is craving that particular night. We talk about you constantly, and whenever we hold each other or kiss it's like there is a newfound intesity to what was already a deep connection. I cannot wait for our E-bay books to get here, so I can learn more about the miracle that is you. I want to soak up all that knowledge that I can so that I can help your Mom and also so I can be the best Father that I can be.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Fireworks and Fatigue
Dear Baby,
I sometimes can't believe I am carrying you inside me. For many years, I thought I couldn't get pregnant. I had lymphoma when I was a teenager and one of the side effects of chemotherapy was infertility. I started to feel differently about two weeks ago. My face broke out like I was a fifteen year old. I bought Clearsil and Noxema but it didn't help. My boobs were very sore. I was very tired. I just thought I was having a bad case of PMS. When my period didn't arrive, I took a pregnancy test. I saw a faint line but thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. Three tests later, there was no denying that I was indeed pregnant.
My face looks much better; in fact, my complexion is better now than ever in my life. Lumpy, our neighbor nextdoor told me I was glowing yesterday. I'm still very tired, I fall asleep at 8pm some nights. I have had some headaches and I'm not a headachey type of person. I can count on my left hand how many headaches I have had the last two years. I don't know if the headaches and fatigue are due to early pregnancy symptoms or because your Dad is the coffee Nazi. The day we confirmed our pregnancy, he decided, "No caffeine for you!" It's like I'm waxing his nipple hair when I drink a HALF of a cup of coffee before work in the morning. Some of those mornings start at 4:30am and I need something to wake me from my zombie state. I know he reacts this way because he loves you and I dearly. He's just concerned and it's sweet.
I've been craving strange things to eat. Not unhealthy stuff like pickles and ice cream. Stuff like grilled chicken salad with mandarin oranges and avocado. I had to have mandarin oranges on the baby spring salad mix. Last night, it was cabbage. We had a New England boiled dinner. Corned beef, potatoes, carrots and my beloved cabbage. I always thought that a boiled dinner was as boring as a cardboard toliet paper roll but last night, it was a five star meal. Orange juice is another favorite, I drink a cup every morning before work to calm the coffee Nazi. I try to tell him the orange juice cancels the HALF cup of coffee effects.
My boobs still hurt, so much that I can hardly sleep on my stomach. They itch too, especially at work when I cannot scratch them. I don't think it would be a good idea to serve someone a meal then frantically start scratching my boobs. I try to do it slyly with the inside of my arm. It's hard for me to believe that I'll have larger boobs because most of my life, I've been mostly nipples. I'll breast feed you, baby, I doubt we'll have any problems.(except if I accidently poke you in the eye) Since I farmed and helped birth goats, I know the importance of a mother's milk. The goat's that were rejected by Mom never thrived. If there were no other goat mom's that had colostrum, the kids fed replacement milk usually died. I want to give you the best, even if you make my nips raw.
I can tell you that you already are very loved. You will be a lucky child that has a wonderful Daddy. He has already read, "What To Expect When You are Expecting". He knows more than I do sometimes. Like, when he pokes me at night to tell me I should be sleeping on my left side. Or when I get home from work I need to lie down and relax for awhile. When I feel sick to my stomach, he informed me I needed to take a b6 supplement before bed. You know, I love it though. I bought five more pregnancy books last night on Ebay that he can read cover to cover. He wants to be informed because he loves you.
I sometimes can't believe I am carrying you inside me. For many years, I thought I couldn't get pregnant. I had lymphoma when I was a teenager and one of the side effects of chemotherapy was infertility. I started to feel differently about two weeks ago. My face broke out like I was a fifteen year old. I bought Clearsil and Noxema but it didn't help. My boobs were very sore. I was very tired. I just thought I was having a bad case of PMS. When my period didn't arrive, I took a pregnancy test. I saw a faint line but thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. Three tests later, there was no denying that I was indeed pregnant.
My face looks much better; in fact, my complexion is better now than ever in my life. Lumpy, our neighbor nextdoor told me I was glowing yesterday. I'm still very tired, I fall asleep at 8pm some nights. I have had some headaches and I'm not a headachey type of person. I can count on my left hand how many headaches I have had the last two years. I don't know if the headaches and fatigue are due to early pregnancy symptoms or because your Dad is the coffee Nazi. The day we confirmed our pregnancy, he decided, "No caffeine for you!" It's like I'm waxing his nipple hair when I drink a HALF of a cup of coffee before work in the morning. Some of those mornings start at 4:30am and I need something to wake me from my zombie state. I know he reacts this way because he loves you and I dearly. He's just concerned and it's sweet.
I've been craving strange things to eat. Not unhealthy stuff like pickles and ice cream. Stuff like grilled chicken salad with mandarin oranges and avocado. I had to have mandarin oranges on the baby spring salad mix. Last night, it was cabbage. We had a New England boiled dinner. Corned beef, potatoes, carrots and my beloved cabbage. I always thought that a boiled dinner was as boring as a cardboard toliet paper roll but last night, it was a five star meal. Orange juice is another favorite, I drink a cup every morning before work to calm the coffee Nazi. I try to tell him the orange juice cancels the HALF cup of coffee effects.
My boobs still hurt, so much that I can hardly sleep on my stomach. They itch too, especially at work when I cannot scratch them. I don't think it would be a good idea to serve someone a meal then frantically start scratching my boobs. I try to do it slyly with the inside of my arm. It's hard for me to believe that I'll have larger boobs because most of my life, I've been mostly nipples. I'll breast feed you, baby, I doubt we'll have any problems.(except if I accidently poke you in the eye) Since I farmed and helped birth goats, I know the importance of a mother's milk. The goat's that were rejected by Mom never thrived. If there were no other goat mom's that had colostrum, the kids fed replacement milk usually died. I want to give you the best, even if you make my nips raw.
I can tell you that you already are very loved. You will be a lucky child that has a wonderful Daddy. He has already read, "What To Expect When You are Expecting". He knows more than I do sometimes. Like, when he pokes me at night to tell me I should be sleeping on my left side. Or when I get home from work I need to lie down and relax for awhile. When I feel sick to my stomach, he informed me I needed to take a b6 supplement before bed. You know, I love it though. I bought five more pregnancy books last night on Ebay that he can read cover to cover. He wants to be informed because he loves you.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Just Two Days Ago...........
It was only two days ago that your Mother and I were blessed to find out that you would be coming into our lives. We has taken the dogs, Monty and Missy, to the park that day and had a wonderful time. When we left the park we went shopping, for dinner, but first we bought a pregnancy test from CVS. Michelle had taken a test the day before, when I had went to visit a friend whom I used to work with. I didn't think the test was positive, the line was so faint. So she tried again, as soon as we got home. The line was there, faint but there. Your mom and I sat down and talked, on our beloved futon, and I held her and told her that this was a blessing. And you are. We still haven't picked out a name, but I think Chloe has been settled on if you are a girl. For months in the beginning of our relationship we have talked of you. Jokingly your mom called me "Baby Spider monkey" and I called her "Mama Spider monkey", but now that title belongs to you. I look forward to being your Dad, I pray that as parents we will be able to love and care for you the way our hearts desire. We bought a book, "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and prenatal vitamins the day we found out.
The pregnancy web site that your Mom found says that you are about the size of the head of a pin now, tomorrow your brain will divide into 3 different areas. Your Mom is already showing signs of fatigue, her body is working so hard to create you. I find myself crying alot when she is not around, I worry so much abnout you and her when I am not with you. There is a peace that I feel about this though, that everything is going to be ok and you are going to be everything we expect and more. I can't wait to see you and hold you. You are a gift from above.
It's amazing how muh your life can change in just two days. How your habits, your recreational activities, and wants and needs can so dramatically be re-arranged. If it wasn't for your Mom I don't know how I would have felt about this. She is such an amazing woman, I feel as though as if anything is possible because of the hope and love that she has shown me. And we, your parents, cannot wait to share that same love and hope with you!
The pregnancy web site that your Mom found says that you are about the size of the head of a pin now, tomorrow your brain will divide into 3 different areas. Your Mom is already showing signs of fatigue, her body is working so hard to create you. I find myself crying alot when she is not around, I worry so much abnout you and her when I am not with you. There is a peace that I feel about this though, that everything is going to be ok and you are going to be everything we expect and more. I can't wait to see you and hold you. You are a gift from above.
It's amazing how muh your life can change in just two days. How your habits, your recreational activities, and wants and needs can so dramatically be re-arranged. If it wasn't for your Mom I don't know how I would have felt about this. She is such an amazing woman, I feel as though as if anything is possible because of the hope and love that she has shown me. And we, your parents, cannot wait to share that same love and hope with you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
