The Magic Wand

I just finished eating a bowl of baby carrots with an organic apple cider vinegar dressing I made, this is been my evening snack the past few nights. Now, I'm craving vinegar flavored foods. Fruit shakes in the morning before work; made with OJ, plain yogurt, nectarines, bananas and mango. Even though I feel a little tired, this may be the best I've felt physically for a few months. I don't even miss my wine or diet coke. I never thought I could let go of those beverages. It was like Linus and his blanket from Peanuts. My wine, my sanity and security. Now, my beverage of choice is grapefruit, grape, cranberry or Naked juice mixed with seltzer water. Your Dad says that the watered down juice is nasty, he likes his straight up. He thinks you'll take after me and eat or create strange concoctions. You know, the way I cut my juice makes it cost effective. Considering two bottles of 100% cranberry juice costs $5.00 on sale!

Today was our first prenatal visit, I was very scared. I am scared of doctors, especially of doctors that want to put metal instruments in my vagina. I expressed this concern to your Dad this morning before our visit and had a mini panic attack. You see, I read a lot. The pregnancy books I bought from E-bay arrived yesterday and I read for about two hours last night. I read about birth defects and what to expect on your first prenatal visit. It sounded like I was going to be interrogated, poked and prodded and cold, metal objects would be used to torture me. I thought they were going to tell me you were deformed or even dead. I sometimes think I'd be better off if I didn't do so much research because I work myself all up expecting the worse.

Your Dad held me while I was having my meltdown and told me everything would be okay. He would be right by my side when they examined me and it made me feel better. I soaked in the bath for awhile and shaved. I even gave my vagina a haircut since the gynos love to tell me to open my legs wider or scoot my butt down to the end of the table so I'm millemeters away from their face. After an hour of grooming, we left for the appointment.

When we arrived, they informed me I would have my first ultrasound. They weren't going to internally examine me until my next visit. It was like fifty bags of sugar were lifted from my shoulders and I was actually excited. After sitting in the waiting room, we were taken into a dark room with a TV screen. I laid on the table and a woman put cold lube on my belly and then she ran a mouse like contraption over my belly. She was pressing down hard. She said you were inside a nice egg sac. I only could make out a black hole. She then told me she wanted a better look and to go into the bathroom and take off my panties. Oh NO, here comes the torture techniques, I thought to myself as I headed to the bathroom with my paper sheet.

When I laid back down on the table, she whips out a condomed wand coated in lube. I darted my eyes toward your Dad like a deer caught in headlights and he came over to hold my hand. He looked as nervous as I felt because he later told me he saw the nurse condom and lube up the wand. I squeeezed your Dad's hand while the nurse put it in my vagina. I held my breathe at stared at the monitor. It felt like the nurse was trying to reach into my stomach with her wand. But then, we saw you. It was like looking through a telescope. She said, "There is your baby, it's the size of a butter bean. See?" For a few moments, I forgot about the wand and looked at you, my little butter bean. Then, she checked out your heart rate. Your little heart was beating 100 beats per minute. The nurse told me you'd probably arrive around March 6, 2008.

We checked out after watching a first time parents' video and I go back in two weeks for the real deal pre-natal work up. I have two weeks to stress about it now, damn it! Your Dad and I were starving so we went and ate some Mexican food for lunch. We got tower burritos and it contained some black beans. I thought about you while I was eating lunch and I commented that you were about the size of the legume on his plate. He plucked up the bean and ate it! I know he'll make you laugh too.

Dad's working at night right now and I miss him. I love to cook but it's not the same when he's gone. It's really not fun to eat alone. I am sometimes tempted to get carry out because it's easier but I know it's not healthy for us. So, I cook dinner and leave his plate in the fridge for him when he comes home. Tonight, I have a big pot of chili on the stove, in honor of you. I have four types of beans in the chili, dark red kidney beans, black beans, pinto beans and spicy chili beans. You Dad will probably be relieved to work late tonight. After eating a bowl full of this chili, he'd probably need a gas mask to sleep next to me tonight.