Last Night In The Ghetto

Well, boxes are packed and it feels bittersweet. Tomorrow, we move out of the ghetto. The ghetto was a great place for me to learn and begin a new life. It helped me become more independent and less naive. Like the time I was down in the laundry room and a guy asked me if I liked powder. I was like, "Uhhh, I don't really like the way baby powder feels on my skin. It's so dry and all." When I came upstairs and told Jerry what he'd asked me, I learned about what type of "powder" he was talking about and I laughed hard. No wonder the dude gave me a crazy look!


Many good meals were cooked in the small ghetto kitchen. Enchiladas by Jerry, soups in the winter, salads in the summer, strawberry shortcake from berries we picked in the spring. Lots of messes were made and we had no dishwasher for clean up. Jerry was always there to the rescue. Cleaning up my squalor.


Many laughs and long talks were had in the ghetto. Some nights, we'd say up until 1-2am and then really pay for it the next day when we had to work early. We drank mango margaritas with Jerm and D-Ray on our ghetto porch some evenings after we all got off work. I learned how to use a baby charcoal grill and made us turkey burgers that sometimes fell apart and tasted of lighter fluid.



We saved money by hanging a clothes line outback, by the pond. Sometimes, we would lay in the sun, waiting for the clothes to dry. Sometimes, we'd fish and catch little sunfish. One spring night, we fell asleep under the stars by the clothes line. When we woke up early in the morning, I was so dazed going up the stairs, I tripped on my blanket and dropped my favorite 64 oz water cup. It shattered on the stairs and I was sad. I still miss that cup.



I don't think we'll ever forget Mama D. A troubled soul with a heart of gold. Everyday I come home from work, she'll ask to see my belly. "Awww, girl. You're so beautiful, you are glowing." She's always happy to see you. If she had a tail, it would always be wagging. She likes to drink though. At night, you can hear her ranting, "Ta-to-the-shitass-tit-dow!" On one especially rough night, we found her flip-flop in the parking lot.


The greatest gift was created here, Chloe. After four pregnancy tests we were pretty certain about the night it happened. As much as I will miss the ghetto and all it's characters, this is not the best environment to raise our baby.

I worry about Joe, how will he get to the methadone clinic without Jerry giving him a ride? Who's cell phone will Mama D. borrow? How will Tammy get Lulu to daycare? Who will scrub out the community laundry machine with baking soda and bleach? How will Lumpy get to the grocery store?

It's time for us to fly though. We need to think about us, especially Chloe. So, goodnight ghetto. We'll never forget all the times we've shared.

Innie No More

Dear Chloe,
You and I are growing everyday. Now, I can really feel you kicking, punching and rolling. Sometimes, as I'm dozing off to sleep, your movements startle me. Most of the time, it's great fun. It's like our little secret when you kick. I can't help but smile and giggle. If I'm at home, I'll talk to you and pat back. This usually gets a response. You'll kick again but then you decide the game is over after a few rounds. I think you can understand some forms of communication. I've been experimenting with music, classical. You seem to enjoy the stringed instruments most. You move the most when I have Mozart's string quartet in C major playing on the laptop close to my belly. Either you are dancing or you are thrashing around because you hate it.

Today, we went to the gym after a long while. I'm feeling a lot better since I started taking the prescription iron supplement. People even comment I have more color in my face. It felt good to workout again, we did the elliptical for 35 minutes. I didn't even attempt to lift the amounts I had been a few months ago and no squats. It was actually a challenge to climb up on the tricep dip machine.It felt nice to break a sweat. I tried running two weeks ago and I just felt too much lower abdominal pressure. The elliptical was much more comfortable. Your Dad was kind of upset I worked out for so long. He's worries about you because he loves you so very much. I assured him you were fine, you had your own kick boxing program going on when we got home.

We are getting ready to move to a new place. A place where you will have your own room. A place where we will have a deck to enjoy. A place that has a big garden tub we can bathe in. A place where we have our own washer and dryer. A place were we'll sit in front of the fireplace and have our first Christmas. A place to call home!

Living Vicariously

Over the past few weeks I have had a lot of time to think about you and the changes that come with adding an addition to our family. One of the most fun things I look forward to may seem childish, but I think it's worth sharing. Getting to experience your childhood, seeing the wonder and amazement in your eyes at things we as parents have long since grown out of is going to be, for lack of a better word, fun. I can't wait to play with you, and yes play with your toys. Now I am not talking about sucking your pacifier or chewing on your teething ring when you aren't using them. I can't wait to see you laugh and giggle and smile at the little things. I probably will be a nuisance to your Mom in the toy section of any retail store, sometimes I can't resist touching the toys we pass in the aisles of stores now, just to hear the noise they make. It's a little known fact, but I seceretly have already amassed a great deal of experience playing with what would be considered girl's toys. Growing up it was just me and my younger sister and we had to find compromise in playtime in order to pass the time. I remember her first Easy-
Bake oven, and using soda caps from Pepsi bottles as Barbie toilets. In all fairness she also played with my G.I. Joe's and Transformer's, and the universally fun Lego's and Lincoln Logs. You coming into our lives brings back alot of fond memories, when the world seemed so big and the possibilities seemed so endless. I hope that we get to spend a great deal of time together.

On another note your Mom seems to be doing wonderful with being pregnant so far. She told me the other day that she plays games with you, that when you are in there kicking and punching around that she will tap back on her stomach and you will react. She is so beautiful, sometimes she shares her feelings about how she thinks that pregnancy makes her somehow unattractive. And that is so far from the truth. I think she is prettier now than she was before, and she was already a perfect ten in my eyes. I try to imagine what you are going to look like, which features from both of us you will inherit, but no matter what I know you are going to be beautiful. I'm sure later on in your life I will have a harder time dealing with that, especially when I have to learn to deal with you having a boyfriend, and dating, standing by the door waiting for you to get home. But for the next few years I won't let that worry me, I'm sure that your Mom's and my parenting will instill in you a good decision making process.

It seems like we have forever before I finally get to hold you, but time has really been flying by thus far. There isn't a day that goes by that you and your Mom aren't in my heart, thoughts, and prayers. A lot of poeple have told how much this experience will change me and my priorities. Normally, being a Taurus, I'm stubborn when it comes to change. I am very fond of routines. But I look forward to this change. To the joy it will bring to your Mom and to myself. Since the moment I met your Mother I have felt as thought I found that undescribable part of myself that was missing all these years. And between you and her I feel complete and on the right path. It might sound crazy but for three months before you were concieved your Mom and I already had picked out your first name and dreamed of you being a girl. The picture of the night light in the top left corner of this page is an item that has been on our kitchen table for some time now, we always said that whenever you came along that it would go in your nursery so the pertty colors could dance along your walls as you slept. I love you Chloe Jade, thank you for coming into our lives!

Gratitude

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust

Less than a year ago, I walked away from my home, my animals, my business and at that time husband. It was the only way of life I had known for over ten years. It was a comfortable life. I never was hungry, I never was cold and I never desperately needed or wanted anything I didn't have. I wasn't truly happy though and as I look back now, I can see how my unhappiness affected others around me.

So, I drove away in a car with a few bags of clothes. It was the most difficult experience I've been through. Even now, I think about my dogs and goats on a daily basis. I was scared out of my mind. I had been self employed, making my goat's milk soap and running the farm. When I filled out job applications, I was embarrassed with my title, "Goat Farmer". I had no real work experience but I found two waitressing jobs. I felt alone. I felt like I had nothing. I didn't have much self esteem. I was close to rock bottom.

I started my jobs waitressing. It was harder than I thought. The first Sunday I worked at my current job, it was so busy and stressful by the end of my shift, I walked into the cooler and cried. I worked at a steakhouse at night but it wasn't as fast paced and the tables didn't turn over so quickly. I was pulling almost 70 hours a week. Slowly, I became more relaxed dealing with the public. For ten years, I pretty much dealt with animals only. They didn't talk back. In a way, I was scared of people and didn't trust them. I started to open up, I realized I could take care of myself and I became more confident.

Eventually, working 70 hours a week caught up to me. I was burnt out and I felt like my life consisted of work only. I made a decision to quit my night job. It was hard because the owners were always very good to me. They would always tell me what a good job I was doing. Every time a customer would compliment me the owners would come back and tell me how much it meant that I worked for them. This was exactly the things I needed to hear and it helped me grow. The day I put in my notice and told the wife, I cried. She hugged me and told me I how much I'd be missed and if I never needed work, I would be welcomed back. I sometimes still work for them when they cater of have banquets. Just a few weeks ago, the wife let me borrow a pair of her black pants so I could work a banquet for them. I shared my pregnancy news with them and the husband said, "Congratulations! Chloe will be lucky to be as half as beautiful as her Mama. If you ever need anything, I mean anything; let us know." His words made me want to cry.

I have settled into my day job and I love my customers. Sometimes, I am ashamed that at 30, I'm only a waitress. I think that this stems from coming from a family of over achievers. Everyone in my family went to college except me and I know this bothers my parents. In my heart, I don't feel like my mom is proud of me but I am proud of myself because I am making it on my own and in some small ways, I am making a difference in other peoples' lives. The things I do are simple things that make people smile. For example, an older couple comes in and they have a german shepard named "Jake". Jake is their son's dog, he's in Iraq. I always ask about Jake and bring a carry out container for their leftovers for Jake. There is a lady that always wants her coffee in a large to go cup, and she wants the freshest coffee from the back. There is a senior citizen that only wants a small, brown ceramic coffee cup, half full because her hand shakes. A man comes in every Sunday and wants banana pudding and decaf after his meal of turkey with no dressing or gravy and dry creamed potatoes. Because I remember these small details, it makes people feel special.

There are customers I will never forget. A couple that wants me to make their oatmeal fresh with a half a scoop of brown sugar. They always leave me little bookmarks with my tips. I have saved them all, Footprints in the Sand, Love is Patient, Psalms verses and so on. A few weeks ago, as I brought out their sweet tea in a to-go cup, she handed me some money. I glanced down and saw a $20.00 bill and said, "No, I can't take this. It's too much." She scolded me, "You don't just say no when someone wants to give you something. I want you to have this because it makes me feel good." I gave her a hug and wanted to cry. I did cry some on the way home and unfolded the $20.00 bill and realized it was two $20's.

There is a customer I used to see at the gym. When I stared my new life, I couldn't afford a gym membership anymore. The customer kept saying, "I miss seeing you at the gym, nobody can do the stairmaster like you." The other day after he left, sitting next to his coffee cup was a three month gym membership in my name. I got a lump in my throat again and teary eyed.

There is Bill. He's a diabetic. He always drinks diet coke or coffee with sweet and low. He wants two rolls with his meal. He orders a mini corn dog basket with extra ketcup to take to his son a work. Yesterday, after he left, I cleared his table and there was a note. "Buy something nice for yourself and buy something for the baby from me. Good things come to people who are very, very special." Inside was $60.00. I was in shock.

I want to cry not because I am sad but because I didn't believe that people were good and cared so much. I want to cry because these people that haven't known me for long are more concerned and giving than my own parents. I want to cry because sometimes I don't feel like I deserve their gifts and help. I want to cry because I don't know if "thank you" is enough.

I have used some of their generosity for Chloe. I have been waking up early on Saturday mornings and going to yard sales. I think people that put on yard sales are good and giving people too. They have to get out of bed early, set up all their stuff and they ask practically nothing for it. I have found baby clothes for 10 cents. This lot of clothes cost me a total of $2.50:


And I found her a baby crib that turns into a toddler bed. It's made of cherry wood and came with a waterproof mattress for the fantastic price of $30.00!


Everytime I dress Chloe and put her to bed, I will remember all the kind people that have helped us. I will make sure that one of Chloe's first words are "thank you".

"When you learn to live for others, they will live for you." ~Yogananda

Half Way Point

I can't believe I am already 20 weeks along. Time seems to be going by quickly. This week, I have started to have a difficult time doing a sit up when I'm lying down. I used to be the queen of ab work. I could to 100's of crunches without a burn. Pikes on the ab ball was the only thing that was challenging. Now, a simple crunch is difficult. I kinda have to roll to one side then get up. I was on my hands and knees cleaning out the fridge today, going back and forth from the fridge to the sink to rinse my bleach rag. After about the eighth rinse, I struggled when getting off the floor. I decided to hold on to the condiment rack for assistance so I could pull myself up off the floor. As I hoisted myself up, I pulled the rack off the door! I felt like PregZilla, ripping off the fridge door.

I don't understand why I don't see men with big beer guts "rolling" out of bed or struggling to get off the floor. What is this pregnant belly phenomenon? Do my ab muscles have rigor mortis now? Am I trying to protect Chloe on some unconscious level? By the time I'm 35 weeks pregnant, I'll probably have a life alert hanging around my neck so I can page Jerry when I get out of bed.

The weird dreams continue. The most bizarre dream of this week was about a orange, tabby kitten. I was having an ultrasound and the tech was concerned about how many vertebrae my baby had, "And these ears, they are so pointy. You are having a female kitten!" Everyone at work kept asking the sex of the baby but I was ashamed to tell them I was carrying a feline. At least it's a cute kitty, I kept telling myself, I could be carrying a something ugly like a lizard. I woke up expecting my belly to meow.

I can feel Chloe move daily now. She is most active at night, after I eat and lay down. Maybe she's happy she's been fed. Or maybe she feels cramped because my belly is as tight as an engorged tick after I eat. Jerry can really feel her punching and kicking now, it sometimes scares him. It is a surreal feeling to know a life is growing and moving inside of me. I remember how exciting it was for me to watch the dairy goats pregnancy and birth. I would hold my hands over their bellies and wait for a bump. I never thought I would have my hands resting on my belly and feel my own baby stirring. It's one of the greatest experiences I have ever had.

It's a.........

Picture of us after the ultrasound...

It's a GIRL! Chloe Jade really showed her stuff this morning. See her stripes?


We got a good profile shot. She has a big noggin', measuring in the 79 percentile.



She weighs 11oz and her heart rate was 149. She passed the Down's test. The doctor said she looked great. This picture looks kind of scary with her arms over her head. She's doing the "wave". I think she has a pretty mouth though! It looks like she's smiling.


They did a finger prick and I'm anemic, test came back at 10.5. I have been taking my prenatal vitamin everyday too! I went down three points since the last test was done. I was prescribed a huge horse pill iron supplement. I have been feeling tired but I thought this was just a normal part of pregnancy. Sometimes, people tell me I look pale. I have felt faint but I thought this was normal too. I guess these are all signs of anemia. The doctor said I should feel much better in about two weeks. It will take a month to build my iron stores back up.

Then, I got some bad news. I have placenta previa. My placenta is covering my cervix. Hopefully, as Chloe grows, my placenta will be pushed upward, away from my cervix. The doctor said not to stress out about it too much now, they will check again at 28 weeks. I can't help but worry though. The doctor asked if I've had any bleeding. I haven't, which is a good sign. If my placenta doesn't shift upwards, I will have to have a C-section. :(

All in all, I am very excited and happy. I'm so glad I finally saw my baby girl!

Feels Like Christmas

I'm so excited! Tomorrow is the big day. Probably the only time I'll want my baby to spread its legs. I even splurged and bought a turkey breast, kale and swiss chard for a celebration dinner tomorrow night.

I invited my mom to the ultrasound too. I will get some pictures with our new digital camera. Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep tonight. This is more exciting than getting to open my cabbage patch kid, Eugene Ernie!

Kid Dynomite

You are growing so fast inside your Mom. We watched a program on TLC the other night about pregnancy and I have to admit it was a little un-nerving. It's been 30 years since I have been in a womb, I almost wish that when you come out we could have you write an essay on what it was like chilling in your Mother's uterus 24/7. Next Thursday we are having another ultrasound, so when you hear the sound of the amoniotic tornado it's just your parents and mid-wife Rita trying to determine your sex. So try not to be coy and have your hands covering your privates, the suspense is killing me.
On another note maybe I should tell you how life is changing. More and more my thoughts are seemingly scattered. I'm not scared to be a Dad, to me that is an honor. You are a blessing, just as important to me as the blessing of your Mother's love and companionship. But these days I think about things that I had long since forgotten, and life has taken on a new dimension since I realize that whatever plans I try to make for the future not only include your Mother but also you. In the beginning of our relationship, I had no idea where this love with your Mom would lead. We had both been pretty banged up by life in different ways, but in time I began to see that it could be to our advantadge. We are there for one another, just like we will be there for you. No matter what. The depths of our love for each other are un-ending, and our love and commitment to you will be even greater. I see kids in movies and cry now, because I wish with all my heart, boy or girl, that you will have that special kind of bond with me. Maybe we will have our own way of talking that no one outside of our house will understand. And all this is such a big change from just a year ago, when honestly I had lost my faith in true love and had given up my dreams of ever having a family to call my own.
So it's 6 months until we meet little one. A little trick I learned from my neice: there's a stuffed animal that will be in your crib, I sleep with it every night so that my smell will be embedded in it until you get it so dirty we will have to wash it. This might not be very "manly", but I am jealous of your Mother getting to carry you. You can't hear my voice as well as you can hear hers, you get to taste all the food she eats, and pretty much get to hang out with her all the time. When you get out here with the rest of us I am going to stick to you like glue!
I hope you come to realize just as I have what an amazing woman your Mother is. How deep her heart is, just how special she truly is. She is the first woman in my life to challenge me to be something more than what I was. Not to change me or mold me in her image, but to help me become a better person. I had a few relationship bad habits when we got together that have in a few months been undone, and that is something that no other person in 30 years had accomplished. That's one of the many reasons I know she will be a good Mother, she has been such an excellent companion to me.
And I don't think I have told you in any previous post, or even shared this with your Mother. I love you Baby, my deepest desire is to make you proud.

My Humps

Only one more week until the big sonogram! We are so excited! We haven't seen the baby since it looked like a butterbeansaurus.

I'm getting bigger. I am wearing my PMS fat jeans now but they won't last much longer. Jerry will hold my belly when we lie together and say it's my "lovely lady lump". My sister sent me a huge box of maternity clothes this week. It was a lifesaver because the only store in town that carries maternity clothing is Walmart. The only long pants they sold were in the form of overalls. I don't want to spend four months looking like Farmer Brown. I still can't believe my belly will fill these elastic waisted pull up pants my sister sent. It's sinking in slowly. Every week, the baby seems to grow faster. It's incredible!

Dreams and Emotions

I've been dreaming a lot. Last night, I had a dream that I owned a pet grasshopper. He was bright green, very healthy and plump. Some man came and pulled off his back legs, so he couldn't hop anymore. He assured me that they'd grow back. I watched patiently for days as his little stubs grew in.

I have been dreaming that I will have a baby boy. In one of my dreams, I was having a c-section and the baby was encased in a blue whoopie cushion bag! On October 11th, we'll find out if we are having a baby boy or girl. Thursday, we had another prenatal visit. This one was quick. Pee in a cup and then the weigh in. The first thing Jerry asked when he saw the doctor was, "Can we hear the baby's heartbeat?" He's more of a worrywart than I. I guess he's worried because I'm not showing very much. I have gained about five pounds. People are just now saying, "You look like you have gained a few pounds, you look healthier." They don't know it's because I'm pregnant though. The doctor assured Jerry there was a baby in there, showed him where the top of my uterus was and told him I'd been sporting a baby bump very soon. The baby is growing quickly now. They found the heartbeat easier this time, strong and loud at 151 bpm. I saw Jerry smile and let out a sigh of relief while his eyes got teary. It's a relief when I see the check out paper that says "normal" prenatal visit. Normal is good!

People ask me why I don't want the baby's sex to be a surprise. I guess I'm practical. I would like to hit some yard sales this fall and find some good deals. One of my sisters has three boys and I could ask her to save me some things. I also think it will help Jerry and I bond when we talk about the baby. I'm tired of calling the baby "IT".

I have been more emotional lately. I was watching a TV program about the animals left behind during hurricane Katrina, bawling my eyes out. Starving dogs on rooftops, dead cats locked in houses for weeks. It would of upset me if I wasn't pregnant but I guess my empathy radar is off the charts now. I can hardly talk about Monty and Missy anymore without letting the flood gates open. I'll be sitting outside and hear a dog bark in the distance and get choked up, I'll drive past the park and remember all the walks we took, I remember all the times I'd drive up the driveway and they'd be waiting for me- almost smiling while their little nubs would wag. I wonder if they are anyways waiting for me to pull up now and my heart breaks. I don't know if I can ever own a dog again. (Okay, gonna stop writing about this because I got myself all worked up again.)

The other day, I was driving home from work and right when I turned the key, the most beautiful song began. It was bizarre because normally I always listen to CDs. That morning, the CD I had in kept skipping so I drove to work listening to the early morning news. The other odd part is that I caught the song from the very beginning. While I drove home, I cried. Not tears of sadness or longing but tears of hope, joy and love.

Help Us Choose A Name

If we have a baby girl, which name do you like the best?
Girl name poll

If it's a boy, which is your favorite?
Boy name poll

I Don't Mind

I think I'll be one of the women that enjoy pregnancy. Maybe because I have wanted a baby for a long time and doubted that I could conceive. I suppose I feel blessed. I actually have a sense of peace and calm. I don't get upset as easily now. It's a big joke at work, people try to push my buttons to try to make me mad. They want a reaction. They can't stand it when I just smile and say, "I don't mind."

I don't mind that I'm sometimes nauseated. I've been through worse. When I was on chemo the nausea was 100 times stronger. I was fighting for my life. Now, when I feel sick, I'm relieved to know this is a normal part of pregnancy. Instead of fighting death, my body is working to create a life.

I don't mind that my boobs are sore. Every time I roll over at night and the soreness awakens me, I think about what a wonderful bonding experience I will have feeding you. I think about my goats and remember that the kids that thrived were the ones that were nursed by Mama. I will provide you will the best start too. I don't mind when I'm told that my breasts will resemble deflated water balloons when I'm done breast feeding you. They resembled sunny side up eggs before I conceived you. Balloons are more fun than eggs!

I don't mind when people tell me I'll ruin my figure by having you. I'm more than my body. Carrying you for nine months is a wonderful gift and adventure. I have never really enjoyed compliments about my physical body. When I was going though chemo, I felt like my body had betrayed me. I realized my body was just my shell and I refused to be vain and shallow again. I'm excited to see you growing and making my tummy pooch out. I can't wait until I have a big, round belly. I'll rub it and laugh just like Buddha. I'm still wearing my size 5 jeans. Maybe in a month, I'll never wear them again. It's okay though, I won't mind. My body may change permanently but so will my heart and soul because I will be your mother.

I don't mind that I can't afford brand new, coordinating baby gear. One of my girlfriends at work called me on her way home, one of her neighbors was throwing out a baby bassinet and bouncy seat.
"Michelle, would you mind if I brought over some used baby furniture tomorrow? I didn't know if you'd upset if I brought you something recycled, it's in great condition though."

"Of course I don't mind!"

The next day Terri brought over an adorable Noah's arc bassinet and Winnie the Pooh bouncy seat. She had spent her afternoon after work washing and bleaching the items. She even put new batteries in the bouncy seat. Terri lit up like the blinking lights when she turned it on. It vibrated and started playing the "Winnie the Pooh" theme song. Terri's gifts meant more to me than if she'd bought me something brand new. She thought of us on her way home after a long day waiting tables. It required effort to wash and bleach the plastic and fabric. She told me how she struggled trying to reassemble the bassinet and getting the ruffles just right(she had to call her neighbor for help).

And you know what baby, I bet you won't mind that you'll have a hodge podge of baby gear. I think you'll find it more interesting. Pooh Bear in your bouncy seat, zebras, sheep and Noah in your bassinet and the giraffes in your infant carseat that Jerry's boss gave to us. You'll have a menagerie. I will teach you that happiness doesn't come from material things. I will show you happiness by giving you all my love.

My Little Lime

Dear Baby,
I'm in my 12th week now and you are the size of a lime. The last time I fondled a lime was about four months ago when I was making fresh mango margaritas. The party's over now kid! I am feeling better, I don't feel like I'm Mr. Yuck with his round, green face. The last time I actually threw up was about two weeks ago, as I was walking across the parking lot, ready to drive to work. I was sipping on a fruit smoothie when a wave a nausea hit me so hard, I ran into the grass to rid myself of the toxic smoothie. Your Dad came running over and patted me on the back. I was afraid he was going to step in my regurgitated smoothie. I haven't made any smoothies since.

I still have specific food cravings though. This doesn't surprise me because I have always known what I want to eat, what my body needs that day. Now, it's just intensified. A few nights ago, I was on a salad binge. Ruby Tuesday's salad bar made my day. It was the best salad bar I'd seen in a long time. They even had edamame soy beans. The next night, I had and awesome avocado and shrimp salad. My rabbit phase came to an end and I developed an intense desire for protein.

An item popped into my brain I hadn't though about since 4th grade. I'm almost ashamed to admit what I ate a few nights ago because they are pretty gross. I don't even know why I wanted or thought of them. Steak-Ums. Yep, that extremely thin beef, that is cooked in less that two minutes- leaving you a skillet full of grease. I told your Dad about my craving probably about five times that day so he went to the grocery store to find my "beef lard". When he came home with an armload of grocery bags, he looked scared. "I don't like shopping for you when you're having such specific cravings because I couldn't find Steak-Ums and I feel bad." My heart hit the floor. No Steak-Ums? "But, I found these." He whips out a gourmet brand of Steak-UMs, 100% beef. My hero! We sat and ate gourmet Steak-Ums that night, grease dripping down our chins onto our t-shirts.

Your dad is real awesome about going to all the OB/GYN visits with me. Last week, I had to have the dreaded internal exam. All my blood work came back normal, I'm blood type A+ and I'm immune to german measles. Facts I didn't know about myself. I was then given a robe with boobie holes to change into. Your Dad started inspecting the items on the metal tray. "What's that? It looks painful! It's a like a stick with a round, metal brush on the end." That's all it took, I started crying.

I don't know why but these exams create lots of anxiety for me. It's embarrassing and humiliating, I'd rather run down the street naked than be poked, brushed and prodded in my privates. Your Dad felt real bad, he hugged me and said he didn't mean to upset me. It really wasn't his fault, he'd never been in a room or seen a woman getting a full internal exam. Quite honestly, I didn't know they even used a wired pipe cleaner because I close my eyes. Your Dad's eyes almost popped out of his head when the doctor came in a uncovered the speculum. He hadn't seen that earlier because they hid it. He came running over to the table, held my hands and almost laid across me as if he was shielding me from a bomb. I closed my eyes and blanked everything else out expect the doctor who kept repeating, "Relax your buttocks, relax your muscles and this will be much more pleasant." Yah, I'm sure if I just released my kegels, I'd be having as much fun as Goofy at Disneyland.

The the silver lining to that traumatic visit was that I will only have to go through that once more near the end of my pregnancy and we heard your heartbeat! The doctor used a doppler and rolled it over my stomach. She couldn't find your little heart for awhile. Your Dad looked real worried because all she could hear was my bowels digesting Subway. She finally found you hiding in the upper right side of my uterus. Your heart reminded me of a horse galloping. Your little heart was beating at 160bpm. I will not forget the look of joy in your Dad's eyes when he got to hear that you were alive. It was a touching moment.

I'm sick with a cold today, so I am home from work because I can't take medicine to help with my symptoms. It will be good old comforting chicken pot pie tonight, baby!

I think I thought I saw you..........

It's an R.E.M. song from when I was growing up, but I changed one of the words to fit the "current" events. Whenever your mom finishes eating you seem to be cutting flips in your Mom's uterus, and I want to sing that verse: "I think I thought I saw you move". It's a little hard to believe, that inside the little "poochie" belly your Mom has now is a new life. I am such a Nazi when it comes to you, I constantly preach to your Mother about how we should watch what we say just on the off chance that you might actually hear us, and how our language and communication are going to have to be irrevocably changed in order to give you the best possible environment to grow up in. We are looking for a new place to move to, one thing I am most excited about is being able to decorate a room just for you. I want to paint the room like a sky, with light blue as a background and clouds and sunshine. It has also crossed my mind to change the face plates on the light switches and sockets, there are so many thoughts running through my head about this project. Maybe it is because your mom is doing the hard part, having to endure all these physical changes, that I am searching for a way to contribute also. I feel like since I donated my half of the chromosones I have been on break. Don't get me wrong, there are many things I do daily to try and make your Mom comfortable, but somehow it just doesn't feel like it's enough. you are growing inside of her, and I cannot imagine the toll it must take on her. But she doesn't complain, and even with her new "poochie" belly she is still so beautiful. She has had this look of love in her eyes ever since we found out, we have been so blessed.
Your mom is probably going to get onto me about saying "poochie" belly so many times. She has always been so beautiful, and the changes that carrying you has produced only add to that. But I know it's hard on her, because she had a perfect, and I mean PERFECT figure when I met her. See your mom was a competing tri-athlete last year, and was in excellent physical condition. Before she got pregnant I began working out with her at the gym and I could barely keep up. And it was so funny because I would be so sore the next day and she would poke me wherever I was the sorest and just laugh. I honestly think that when your Mom and I got together she made it her goal to introduce me to a healthier way of eating and living, and part of the reason we concieved is because she got me back into good health. I can't wait for us to cook for you the way we have for each other, you will eat well as you grow up. And in a few years I will have a new buddy to help me with the dishes.
Next March, in the spring, you will finally arrive. Spring has always been my favorite season, when the flowers start blooming and the dew is on the grass in the mornings. Now it will be more special, because every year at that time we will get to celebrate our lives being blessed with you! Your Mom used to say that I would cling to her like a Baby Spider Monkey, but now you get to do that. And this is a new chapter in our lives, one in which I get to be a Dad.

Week 10 and Counting.....

It's the end of week 10 and you are growing rapidly in your mother's womb. It has been an interesting time to say the least. I wonder if you are a boy or a girl, no matter what we will love you just the same. I think that is the hardest adjustment of all, knowing that once you are finally here our lives will be forever changed. It is a welcome change, we look forward to watching you grow, playing with you, holding you in our arms. My neighbor struggles to raise his kids from his cell phone, I am grateful to your mother that I won't have to endure that. I just pray that I can be the best Dad that I can possibly be. Your mother and I both had strained relationships with our parents growing up, and those memories are probably going to be the thing that gives us extra incentive to be and do the best we can for you. I think that's what a parents love is trully about, thinking less about yourself and more about what would be best for your child.
Thursday your Mom told her mom about you. It was a pretty big thing, because we both were wary of her reaction and didn't know how she would take the news. I am very proud of her for doing so. You should know that your Mom is an amazing woman with a wonderful heart. Over the course of my lifetime I have wanted to be a Father and a husband, but it never came to fruition. Not until I met your Mother, and I know why. No other woman could have loved me the way your Mother does, and I couldn't not have shared something so wonderful with anyone else. When we first got together, there were so many things that we shared that let us know that this was more than coincidence, moe than just a random crossing of two paths.
Some time in the future to come I hope that you will read these posts and know just how much we loved you even before you left the womb. The only scary part of all this is going to be the delivery. Your mom was watching birthing videos on YouTube the other day and I have to admit it was a little un-nerving. It looks really painful, I pray that your mom opts for the epidural so she doen't suffer unnecessarily. Regardless I will be there for her, I am looking forward to seeing you come into the world, and holding you for the first time. I can't wait!

Our Little Butterbean....

In my pocket, at all times, I carry around the first sonogram of you. The nurse told us your were the size of a lentil, or butterbean, inside this little sac in your mom's uterus. When the nurse pointed you out on the monitor tears of pride welled up in my eyes. I held back the tears, but only to be strong for your mother. I wanted so bad to let the tears flow. I can't begin to share all the emotions that went through me that day, or that hit me at odd times ever since. They range from being happy, proud, feeling blessed, and an overwhelming curiousity about you. Will you be a girl, a boy? Will you look like your mother, will you favor me, or look like both of us.

My boss told me last night that this will change my life, my priorities, and that this is a defining moment in both your Mother and my life. You are a blessing from above, a gift of love to two people who could not love each other more. I don't think I could love anyone more than your mother, or share the kind of relationship I do with her. You are going to be a very lucky child, your Mother's and my life experiences are going to provide you with an amazing environment of love and care that not every child recieves.

Your Mom is going through a lot of changes right now, I work nights so I miss her terribly. I don't plan on working nights through her entire pregnancy, it's important to me that I be there for her, especially as time passes and she needs more help with things. I am so proud of her, she has done a lot of changing already. Nothing could have seperated her and her evening cocktails, and we had a few confrontations on the matter. But for you, she quit cold turkey. She is very diligent about taking her prenatal vitamins, making healthy shakes before going to work, and eating the healthiest of dinners. Even though she doesn't need to hear it, I constantly remind her that you have no choice what she takes in, but that everything she takes in is consumed by you as a well. I probably can be a bit overbearing, but I love your Mother and you too much to be silent.

Some day you will be able to read this, and I hope you know just how much you already mean to us. The changes that come from being a couple to being a family are strengthening the bond between your Mother and I. We went out to eat chinese buffet the other night. Your Mom asked me to save you the fortunes from the fortune cookies, because it was the first time we went and you were with us. The chinese astrology calendar said you would be born in the year of the Rat. Your Mom is a Dragon and I am a Snake. We are going to make a pretty interesting trio!

A couple of days ago our pregnancy books that your Mom ordered off of E-bay arrived. Inside was a letter of congratulations from the seller, and your first stuffed animal. Your Mom isn't too big on stuffed animals for herself, but it is the cutest purple dog. Whenever I am home I hold it and say"Lovies for the baby", hoping that in March I will get to hold you like that.

The Magic Wand

I just finished eating a bowl of baby carrots with an organic apple cider vinegar dressing I made, this is been my evening snack the past few nights. Now, I'm craving vinegar flavored foods. Fruit shakes in the morning before work; made with OJ, plain yogurt, nectarines, bananas and mango. Even though I feel a little tired, this may be the best I've felt physically for a few months. I don't even miss my wine or diet coke. I never thought I could let go of those beverages. It was like Linus and his blanket from Peanuts. My wine, my sanity and security. Now, my beverage of choice is grapefruit, grape, cranberry or Naked juice mixed with seltzer water. Your Dad says that the watered down juice is nasty, he likes his straight up. He thinks you'll take after me and eat or create strange concoctions. You know, the way I cut my juice makes it cost effective. Considering two bottles of 100% cranberry juice costs $5.00 on sale!

Today was our first prenatal visit, I was very scared. I am scared of doctors, especially of doctors that want to put metal instruments in my vagina. I expressed this concern to your Dad this morning before our visit and had a mini panic attack. You see, I read a lot. The pregnancy books I bought from E-bay arrived yesterday and I read for about two hours last night. I read about birth defects and what to expect on your first prenatal visit. It sounded like I was going to be interrogated, poked and prodded and cold, metal objects would be used to torture me. I thought they were going to tell me you were deformed or even dead. I sometimes think I'd be better off if I didn't do so much research because I work myself all up expecting the worse.

Your Dad held me while I was having my meltdown and told me everything would be okay. He would be right by my side when they examined me and it made me feel better. I soaked in the bath for awhile and shaved. I even gave my vagina a haircut since the gynos love to tell me to open my legs wider or scoot my butt down to the end of the table so I'm millemeters away from their face. After an hour of grooming, we left for the appointment.

When we arrived, they informed me I would have my first ultrasound. They weren't going to internally examine me until my next visit. It was like fifty bags of sugar were lifted from my shoulders and I was actually excited. After sitting in the waiting room, we were taken into a dark room with a TV screen. I laid on the table and a woman put cold lube on my belly and then she ran a mouse like contraption over my belly. She was pressing down hard. She said you were inside a nice egg sac. I only could make out a black hole. She then told me she wanted a better look and to go into the bathroom and take off my panties. Oh NO, here comes the torture techniques, I thought to myself as I headed to the bathroom with my paper sheet.

When I laid back down on the table, she whips out a condomed wand coated in lube. I darted my eyes toward your Dad like a deer caught in headlights and he came over to hold my hand. He looked as nervous as I felt because he later told me he saw the nurse condom and lube up the wand. I squeeezed your Dad's hand while the nurse put it in my vagina. I held my breathe at stared at the monitor. It felt like the nurse was trying to reach into my stomach with her wand. But then, we saw you. It was like looking through a telescope. She said, "There is your baby, it's the size of a butter bean. See?" For a few moments, I forgot about the wand and looked at you, my little butter bean. Then, she checked out your heart rate. Your little heart was beating 100 beats per minute. The nurse told me you'd probably arrive around March 6, 2008.

We checked out after watching a first time parents' video and I go back in two weeks for the real deal pre-natal work up. I have two weeks to stress about it now, damn it! Your Dad and I were starving so we went and ate some Mexican food for lunch. We got tower burritos and it contained some black beans. I thought about you while I was eating lunch and I commented that you were about the size of the legume on his plate. He plucked up the bean and ate it! I know he'll make you laugh too.

Dad's working at night right now and I miss him. I love to cook but it's not the same when he's gone. It's really not fun to eat alone. I am sometimes tempted to get carry out because it's easier but I know it's not healthy for us. So, I cook dinner and leave his plate in the fridge for him when he comes home. Tonight, I have a big pot of chili on the stove, in honor of you. I have four types of beans in the chili, dark red kidney beans, black beans, pinto beans and spicy chili beans. You Dad will probably be relieved to work late tonight. After eating a bowl full of this chili, he'd probably need a gas mask to sleep next to me tonight.

The Days Ahead

When I first met your mother I had no idea of where things would go between us. The first time we spent time together was at a local laundry mat. I was so nervous. We were supposed to meet to study the menu and prices at the restaraunt we worked at. Somehow we never did. We talked and shared that night, and in some ways that night laid the foundation for the life we share now. We have had some good times, and have learned a great deal about each other. No other woman has challenged me the way she has, or inspired the feelings I have for her inside of me.
So what does all this have to do with you? You came to be from the sharing of our love. Every day that passes the bond that is between your mother and I grows even more stronger. And we look at the future differently now, because of the blessing that is you. Bringing a child into the world is a gift that not everyone recieves. Lately your mother has shared with me some of the blogs she has read online about people who struggle, sometimes unsuccessfully, to become parents. It is sad, but at the same time it lets us know just how lucky we are. There are a lot of changes that will occur before next March, when you will make your way into the world. But with your Mom by my side, I look to the future with all its possibilities and I am excited. I wonder what you will look like, some times I lay in the bed in our room and stare at the family pictures from your Mom's childhood and try to imagine just how beautiful and precious you will be. Just last night I was telling your Mom how we are going to have to really be on top of our game as parents, if you are anything like her and I was growing up it is going to be interesting to say the least. But I would not miss it for the world.
Your Mom is going through a lot of changes right now, and even though I am not physically I have to admit pregnancy is a life altering experience. Your Mom is tired more than usual, and I have learned not to plan dinner until I know for sure what she is craving that particular night. We talk about you constantly, and whenever we hold each other or kiss it's like there is a newfound intesity to what was already a deep connection. I cannot wait for our E-bay books to get here, so I can learn more about the miracle that is you. I want to soak up all that knowledge that I can so that I can help your Mom and also so I can be the best Father that I can be.

Fireworks and Fatigue

Dear Baby,
I sometimes can't believe I am carrying you inside me. For many years, I thought I couldn't get pregnant. I had lymphoma when I was a teenager and one of the side effects of chemotherapy was infertility. I started to feel differently about two weeks ago. My face broke out like I was a fifteen year old. I bought Clearsil and Noxema but it didn't help. My boobs were very sore. I was very tired. I just thought I was having a bad case of PMS. When my period didn't arrive, I took a pregnancy test. I saw a faint line but thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. Three tests later, there was no denying that I was indeed pregnant.

My face looks much better; in fact, my complexion is better now than ever in my life. Lumpy, our neighbor nextdoor told me I was glowing yesterday. I'm still very tired, I fall asleep at 8pm some nights. I have had some headaches and I'm not a headachey type of person. I can count on my left hand how many headaches I have had the last two years. I don't know if the headaches and fatigue are due to early pregnancy symptoms or because your Dad is the coffee Nazi. The day we confirmed our pregnancy, he decided, "No caffeine for you!" It's like I'm waxing his nipple hair when I drink a HALF of a cup of coffee before work in the morning. Some of those mornings start at 4:30am and I need something to wake me from my zombie state. I know he reacts this way because he loves you and I dearly. He's just concerned and it's sweet.

I've been craving strange things to eat. Not unhealthy stuff like pickles and ice cream. Stuff like grilled chicken salad with mandarin oranges and avocado. I had to have mandarin oranges on the baby spring salad mix. Last night, it was cabbage. We had a New England boiled dinner. Corned beef, potatoes, carrots and my beloved cabbage. I always thought that a boiled dinner was as boring as a cardboard toliet paper roll but last night, it was a five star meal. Orange juice is another favorite, I drink a cup every morning before work to calm the coffee Nazi. I try to tell him the orange juice cancels the HALF cup of coffee effects.

My boobs still hurt, so much that I can hardly sleep on my stomach. They itch too, especially at work when I cannot scratch them. I don't think it would be a good idea to serve someone a meal then frantically start scratching my boobs. I try to do it slyly with the inside of my arm. It's hard for me to believe that I'll have larger boobs because most of my life, I've been mostly nipples. I'll breast feed you, baby, I doubt we'll have any problems.(except if I accidently poke you in the eye) Since I farmed and helped birth goats, I know the importance of a mother's milk. The goat's that were rejected by Mom never thrived. If there were no other goat mom's that had colostrum, the kids fed replacement milk usually died. I want to give you the best, even if you make my nips raw.

I can tell you that you already are very loved. You will be a lucky child that has a wonderful Daddy. He has already read, "What To Expect When You are Expecting". He knows more than I do sometimes. Like, when he pokes me at night to tell me I should be sleeping on my left side. Or when I get home from work I need to lie down and relax for awhile. When I feel sick to my stomach, he informed me I needed to take a b6 supplement before bed. You know, I love it though. I bought five more pregnancy books last night on Ebay that he can read cover to cover. He wants to be informed because he loves you.

Just Two Days Ago...........

It was only two days ago that your Mother and I were blessed to find out that you would be coming into our lives. We has taken the dogs, Monty and Missy, to the park that day and had a wonderful time. When we left the park we went shopping, for dinner, but first we bought a pregnancy test from CVS. Michelle had taken a test the day before, when I had went to visit a friend whom I used to work with. I didn't think the test was positive, the line was so faint. So she tried again, as soon as we got home. The line was there, faint but there. Your mom and I sat down and talked, on our beloved futon, and I held her and told her that this was a blessing. And you are. We still haven't picked out a name, but I think Chloe has been settled on if you are a girl. For months in the beginning of our relationship we have talked of you. Jokingly your mom called me "Baby Spider monkey" and I called her "Mama Spider monkey", but now that title belongs to you. I look forward to being your Dad, I pray that as parents we will be able to love and care for you the way our hearts desire. We bought a book, "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and prenatal vitamins the day we found out.
The pregnancy web site that your Mom found says that you are about the size of the head of a pin now, tomorrow your brain will divide into 3 different areas. Your Mom is already showing signs of fatigue, her body is working so hard to create you. I find myself crying alot when she is not around, I worry so much abnout you and her when I am not with you. There is a peace that I feel about this though, that everything is going to be ok and you are going to be everything we expect and more. I can't wait to see you and hold you. You are a gift from above.
It's amazing how muh your life can change in just two days. How your habits, your recreational activities, and wants and needs can so dramatically be re-arranged. If it wasn't for your Mom I don't know how I would have felt about this. She is such an amazing woman, I feel as though as if anything is possible because of the hope and love that she has shown me. And we, your parents, cannot wait to share that same love and hope with you!